The Ebola Virus is Out to Get Donald Trump

Donald Trump Ebola

As the Ebola virus continues to terrorize West Africa, Donald Trump is trying to make sure it stays far, far away from him and his precious combover.

In a series of tweets, Donald Trump let it be known that Americans infected with Ebola should be kept out of their own country because the US has bigger problems to worry about – like how to rid themselves of Donald Trump.

Screenshot 2014-08-05 12.21.45

Trump said doctors who treat Ebola patients “are great,” but shouldn’t be allowed to seek treatment back home if they get sick.

Screenshot 2014-08-05 12.22.12

Trump’s latest outburst came after humanitarian Dr. Kent Brantly, the American humanitarian stricken with ebola in Africa, was transported to Atlanta to receive specialized treatment. His assistant, missionary Nancy Writebol, who also contracted the disease while working with patients suffering from Ebola, was also returned to the US shortly after.  Both Americans received an experimental serum that appears to be helping them survive the extremely lethal virus, which has a fatality rate as high as 90 percent.

On the one hand, if there’s one thing Americans can agree on, it’s that Donald Trump is probably much worse than the Ebola virus. And yet for some reason he is allowed in the country – so why not a few Ebola infected doctors?

But on the other hand, maybe we should hear him out this time. After all, Donald Trump probably knows a thing or two about contagious diseases stemming from infected animals –he’s been wearing a dead possum on his head for decades.

Leave a Comment

When Taking a Gun Selfie, Remember: Don’t Pull the Trigger

Gun Selfie

A 21-year-old Mexican man who posed for a gun selfie died shortly after shooting himself in the head by accident.

Oscar Aguilar was no stranger to the selfie. His Facebook page showed him posing in front of sports cars, sitting on motorbikes and hugging semi-attractive women. But things went horribly wrong when he decided to give his Facebook friends a little taste of the infamous gun selfie after he had been drinking with pals in Mexico City last weekend. Unfortunately, instead of becoming a big shot on social media, Oscar just ended up shot.

“I heard a gunshot, and then I heard somebody screaming and realized somebody had been hurt. I called the police straight away and when they arrived they found that he was still alive,” neighbor Manfredo Paez Paez said.

Police say he failed to realize the gun was loaded when he began snapping pictures of himself waving it about.

The 21-year-old died on the way to hospital in Mexico City. Sad, but on the bright side, Oscar is currently in the running for the coveted 2014 Darwin Award. It’s a tight race between him and that Florida kid who almost died lighting himself ablaze for the popular social media fire challenge.

Leave a Comment

Justice: Chicago Style… And Other News

Chicago Loop Shoot

There’s been a shooting in Chicago and for once it wasn’t in the south and it wasn’t gang related. Nope, this time it was a disgruntled downtown executive. Chicago must do something about their WASP on WASP violence!

The gunman, a 59-year-old executive of the ArrowStream, went to the company’s downtown office and demanded a one-on-meeting with the CEO – during which he pulled out a gun and shot the CEO in the head and stomach. So much for all those “no gun” stickers on downtown buildings… The company has been downsizing and has demoted a number of people. Apparently the gunman was pissed about his demotion. But just how upset was he at the demotion? Well, after critically wounding the CEO, the disgruntled executive shot and killed himself – so I’d say he was pretty upset. Chicago Tribune

TunnelsThere’s only one thing Benjamin Netanyahu hates more than Palestinian civilians – TUNNELS! Speaking before a cabinet meeting in Tel Aviv on Thursday, the Israeli Prime Minister decalred that “with or without a cease-fire” the Israeli military will NOT stop its operation in Gaza until all the tunnels constructed by Hamas militants have been destroyed. After air strikes began, the Israel Defense Forces (IDF) discovered an extensive network of tunnels leading from Gaza into Israel that Hamas has been using to launch attacks. So far, Israel has destroyed most of the 32 tunnels it has found, but the job won’t be done until the entire tunnel network is destroyed. To aid “Operation Tunnel No More” (or “Operation Protective Edge” as they call it), Israel is calling up another 16,000 reserves. Meanwhile, the Palestinians have bigger things to worry about – well, not really. The Israeli offensive is pretty much the biggest thing they have to worry about. BBC

EbolaEven worse than the reviews for the 1995 movie Outbreak is the latest Ebola outbreak in Liberia. West African leaders are stepping up emergency efforts in response to the worst-ever outbreak of the deadly Ebola virus. Leaders have canceled travel plans and authorized measures to combat the disease – including house-to-house searches and the deployment of the army and the police. Liberia announced it will close some of its schools and is even considering taking the drastic step of quarantining some communities. The country also ordered all nonessential government workers to 30-day compulsory leave. The World Health Organization said the death toll in Liberia, Guinea, Sierra Leone, and now Nigeria has risen to 729 from 672. Plus, things have gotten so serious that the Peace Corps said it will be withdrawing its 340 volunteers from the three countries most affected by the virus. You know things are getting bad when white people start fleeing the country… New York Times

Seattle potPot smokers of Seattle rejoice! A Seattle police officer, who was found to have single-handedly dished out roughly 80 percent of the ‘smoking marijuana in public’ tickets issued this year, has been reassigned. The unnamed officer, who referred to Washington’s voter-approved changes to marijuana laws as “silly”, attached notes to the tickets including one in which he noted he had flipped a coin to decide whether to issue the citation. The Seattle Police Department’s first biannual report also revealed that African Americans in Seattle were ticketed disproportionately to their population for using pot in public. About 36 percent of the tickets were handed out to black people, who make up just 8 percent of the city’s population. A cop with a vendetta against black people and pot smokers? Seems about right. Reuters

ginsbergParents Male Justices just don’t understand! In a wide-ranging interview with Yahoo’s Katie Couric, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg reaffirmed her criticism of the recent Hobby Lobby decision and said that five of her male counterparts on the court have “a blind spot” when it comes to women’s issues. After noting that all three female justices were in the minority in the recent Hobby Lobby decision, Couric asked Ginsburg if the five male justices in the majority truly understood their decision, to which Ginsburg responded, “I would have to say, no.” But on the bright side, Ginsburg said she expects the decision to be overturned one day. Perhaps the day Antonin Scalia dies? MSNBC

Leave a Comment

FBI Nabs Texas Man Responsible for White Powder Hoax: “Al Qaeda back! Special thing for you…”

White Powder Hoax

The FBI has arrested a Texas man in connection with hundreds of letters filled with mysterious white powder mailed to various government offices, hotels, and daycare centers across the U.S. over the course of six years.

According to the criminal complaint, Hong Minh Truong, 66, has sent more than 500 hoax letters since December 2008.

“We believe Hong Minh Truong is responsible for the hundreds of letters sent to locations worldwide, including U.S. government offices, aerospace companies, schools, daycares, and recently, hotels in the vicinity of Super Bowl XLVIII,” said Dallas FBI special agent in charge Diego Rodriguez in a written statement.

Most of the letters contained a white powder, which in each case was later found to be non-toxic, accompanied by some threatening and bizarre messages.

One letter, sent on May 7, 2012, read:

Al Qaeda back! Special thing for you

What the hell where are you, Scooby Doo, Counter Intelligence, CIA, you

do not know how to catch the triple dealer spy in your law enforcement.

What the hell where are you, Scooby Doo, Internal Affairs, FBI, you don’t

know how to arrest the bad cop in your law enforcement.

You all flaming idiot, ignorant and arrogant, know nothing! How to protect

this country! U.S.A

We are Al Qaeda, U.B.L FBI, Al Qaeda, SS Nazi FBI, working in your

agency. We claim everything.

Al Qaeda back? Special thing for you? If you didn’t read this using a thick Asian accent, you read it wrong.

But despite the note clearly being written by a deranged Asian man and NOT an al Qaeda operative, the Mi Escuelita Preschool in Dallas was evacuated and Hazmat teams were employed to safely contain the letter and its contents.

Other white powder letters included threats to “Hijack airplane from Love Field airport…to hit NASA center or Empire Building” and “Chop, slice, dice and mash body of leeches and put them in food store, let people eat.” Huh.

“While it was determined that the mailings did not contain toxins or poisons, each incident required a field screening of the letter’s contents, which cost taxpayer dollars and diverted first responder resources,” Rodriguez said.

Truong was ordered to remain in federal custody. If convicted, Truong faces a $250,000 fine and up to five years in federal prison where he can spend his time wondering where the hell Scooby Doo is.

Leave a Comment

Japanese Schoolgirl Decapitates Classmate

Japanese Schoolgirl

Teenage schoolgirls? Gruesome decapitation? It’s a Japanese horror movie come to life!

A 16-year-old Japanese girl was arrested on suspicion of murdering a classmate by hitting her repeatedly, strangling her, and then dismembering her body.

The teen reportedly confessed to killing and decapitating her fellow classmate and leaving the mangled body in a bed in her apartment where she lived alone. Apparently she didn’t pass Hiding Evidence 101. But she did pass Creepy Motives with flying colors. The teen reportedly told investigators she killed her classmate because she “wanted to dissect” someone.

“I wanted to kill someone. I bought tools by myself,” the girl was quoted telling the police.

The accused has admitted she strangled the victim before severing her head and left hand, “using tools … and something like a cord”, a police investigator said.

“The victim was found decapitated, with her left wrist chopped off,” the investigator added. Her belly was also cut open.

The two girls attended the same high school in Sasebo, a city that hasn’t seen a schoolgirl crime this violent since a primary school girl stabbed her classmate to death in 2004.

Violent crime is relatively rare in Japan, but when it rains, it pours.

Leave a Comment

Current Event Cat of the Day: Day of Rage

Day of Rage

Palestinians declare a “day of rage” to coincide with the final Friday of the holy month of Ramadan. Israel responds with intensified attacks on Gaza. And there goes any hope for a ceasefire…

Last week, after 10,000 Palestinians protested on the West Bank, the Fatah political party called for Palestinians to have a day of rage in response to the shelling of a United Nations shelter that killed 16 people. Shells from Israeli tanks hit a UN school compound (where hundreds of Palestinians had come seeking shelter from the fighting) on Thursday in the Gaza Strip, leaving at least 15 dead and dozens more wounded.

Solution? Declare a day of rage and a fire a slew of rockets into Israel.

Isreali response? More air strikes!

After the so called day of rage, Israel intensified its bombardment of Gaza and warned of a long conflict ahead. Sixty airstrikes were carried out Tuesday targeting sites associated with Hamas, including one that hit the Gaza Strip’s only power plant. The power facility was forced to shut down, leaving Gazans, many of whom have been living with just a few hours of electrical supplies for the last three weeks, in a tricky situation. Hamas’ Al-Aqsa satellite-TV station was also damaged in the air strikes, along with government buildings and the home of a top Hamas leader, Ismail Haniyeh.

Palestinian officials now say 1,156 Palestinians, most of them civilians, have been killed in the since the most recent fighting broke out on July 8 – and another 6,700 have been injured. Israel has lost 53 soldiers, three civilians, and shows no signs of stopping.

Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahau declared Monday: “We will continue to act aggressively and responsibly until the mission is completed to protect our citizens, soldiers, and children.”

The rest of Israel agrees. Recent polls say almost 90% of Israelis are in favour of the Gaza offensive.

Meanwhile, Secretary of State John Kerry is desperately pushing for a ceasefire that both sides will agree on. Yeah, he’s going to be working on that one for a while…

Leave a Comment

North Korea Not Pleased with Kim Jong Un Parody Dance

Kim Jong Angry Parody Dance

In between eating expired meat and worrying about catching the bubonic plague, the Chinese have come up with a parody video featuring a fake Kim Jong Un dancing and fighting his way through a series of absurd situations.

The parody video shows Kim Jong Un being kicked to the ground by President Obama after pirouetting through a ballet studio, dancing with Russian President Vladimir Putin, doing “the Carleton”, and acting as a dance-loving member of the grounds crew at a baseball game.

The video, which first appeared on the Chinese video-sharing site Tencent, quickly became popular in China – but not so much in North Korea.

According to the Chosun Ilbo, a South Korean newspaper, officials in Pyongyang are reportedly furious about the 3 and a half minute video because it “seriously compromises Kim’s dignity and authority.” I think his haircut alone is enough to compromise his dignity, but whatever.

The newspaper goes on to say that after North Korea asked China to stop the video from spreading, “Beijng was unable to oblige.” Unable or unwilling?

If mocking a dancing Kim Jong Un is wrong, I don’t want to be right.

Leave a Comment

How Dare 911 Operators Take Calls From Non-English Speakers!

Fox and Friends NOn-English Speakers 911

The folks over at Fox & Friends were shocked and appalled this week after they learned that emergency responders were “forced” to serve non-English speakers in life-threatening situations – even if the callers were suspected of entering the country illegally!

On Wednesday’s show, the Fox friends began a lighthearted discussion on how undocumented Non-English speaking immigrants in Brooks County, Texas are “bombarding” the police department with 911 calls – which quickly devolved into Steve Doocy and Brian Kilmeade screaming “No English? No emergency!!”

“They stumbled across the border illegally and now they need your help!” Fox News host Steve Doocy complained, after hearing a 911 call where a distressed Spanish-speaking male requests emergency assistance for his cousin, whom the man described as “turning purple.”

“A small Texas town forced to answer 911 from stranded illegals in Spanish!” Doocy exclaimed, apparently giving up all his previously held pro-life values.

“Not only are they understaffed and lacking resources, now they’ve got to deal with illegal immigrants who have no business being here,” co-host Brian Kilmeade chimed in.

How Doocy and Kilmeade know that all the Spanish-speaking people in Texas who call 911 are “illegal immigrants who have no business being here” is still unclear. All we know is that they couldn’t possibly be Spanish-speaking Americans with an emergency or tourists trying to get help – because that wouldn’t fit into the Fox & Friends agenda.

Unfortunately for the Fox duo, Brooks County Chief Deputy Urbino “Benny” Martinez says that his department has a duty to respond to all 911 calls, regardless of language or citizenship.

“They’re on U.S. soil. Due process comes into play, and that’s the way we’re taking them as,” Martinez said.

And even worse for the Fox friends, Martinez referred to the influx of migrants as a “humanitarian crisis” (as opposed to some kind of Mexican invasion) and urged a bipartisan dialogue to swiftly address the problem.

“Forget about the Republican side, forget about the Democratic side. Sit down and have a sincere dialogue where they can actually resolve this issue,” he said. “It has to be resolved. As long as they keep stalling it, it’s going to continue until our funds are depleted.”

Humanitarian crisis? Bipartisan dialogue? Get this sheriff off the show!

Leave a Comment

Taiwan Plane Tumbles in Typhoon

Taiwan Plane Crash

A passenger plane trying to land at a Taiwan airport in stormy, Typhoon-like weather crashed and killed 47 people.

2014: not a good year for aviation.

Flying during the tail end of Typhoon Matmo, pilots on a TransAsia Airways turboprop plane made a second attempt to land but instead the plane crashed and caught fire in the Penghu Islands. The failed emergency landing left 47 people dead, 11 injured, and multiple buildings ablaze.

“It was thunderstorm conditions during the crash,” said Hsi Wen-guang, Penghu County Government Fire Bureau spokesman.

“From the crash site we sent 11 people to hospital with injuries. A few empty apartment buildings adjacent to the runway caught fire, but no-one was inside at the time and the fire was extinguished.”

The flight was from Taipei, the capital, to the island of Penghu, which is halfway to the Chinese mainland. Although Typhoon Matmo had caused many flights to be cancelled, by the time the TransAsia flight was scheduled to take off, the typhoon warning had been lifted – a little prematurely in hindsight.

So far, 2014 is not shaping up to be a banner year in terms of air travel. With Wednesday’s crash in Taiwan and the two Malaysia Airlines flights, the total death toll for 2014 is now 606 (compared with 489 in 2013 and 439 in 2012).

Of course, MH370 could be just flying around somewhere still. Or all the passengers could be living on the moon…

Missing Plane on Moon

Leave a Comment

China: Meat Scares and the Bubonic Plague

China Meat Scare

Looks like smog isn’t the only health-hazard the Chinese have to watch out for…

A Shanghai meat supplier is being investigated for selling expired beef and chicken to fast-food joints – and to make matters even worse, the bubonic plague is back.

Chinese branches of McDonald’s, KFC, Pizza Hut, Burger King, and even Starbucks (noooo!) have stopped using meat from a supplier in Shanghai following allegations it sold them out of date meat. A Chinese broadcaster has accused meat supplier Husi Food Co. of repackaging expired beef and chicken with new dates.

The Shanghai Municipal Food and Drug Administration said it had “decided to investigate claims of the alleged use of expired raw food material production and the processing of it in food”.

China’s investigation of Husi Food Co. prompted the FDA to seal off the company’s factories for further inspection.

But expired re-processed meat is the least of concerns for the 30,000 residents of Yumen, China who are not allowed to leave the city after a man died of the bubonic plague last week. A 38-year-old contracted the diseased after coming in contact with a dead marmot and feeding it to his dog. He developed a fever and died shortly after and now a huge chunk of the city has been sealed off from the rest of the country. Plus, 151 people have been quarantined after coming into direct contact with the man who contracted the disease.

The plague, which killed tens of millions of people throughout Europe during the 14th century, affects about 1,000 to 3,000 people every year, but bubonic plague outbreaks are rare in China. Unless of course you find a dead marmot and decide to chop it up and feed it to your dog…

Leave a Comment