Archive | July, 2013

The Chicago Tribune Knows What’s Important… And Other News

Chicago Tribune Kitten

The Chicago Tribune knows an attention grabbing headline when it sees one!

For a glorious 16 minutes today the Chicago Tribune homepage featured an adorable picture of a grey kitten with the text: Test, test, test, test, test. Spoiler alert: I think the test failed. That or the office kitten got a hold of the keyboard. Sadly, the Chicago Tribune fixed their “error” after 16 minutes of wonderful cat news but the newspaper is still hoping to win a purr-litzer prize for the article. Ok, that was bad. Gizmodo

Bradley ManningBradley Manning, the original Snowden, who gave classified documents to WikiLeaks, has been found not guilty of aiding the enemy. But the army private who was arrested in Iraq in 2010 is not totally off the hook – he has been convicted of five lesser counts under the Espionage Act and 16 non-espionage related charges. Side Note: Is Bradley Manning a midget or did they just find the largest guard in the world to walk with him? Anyways, the prosecution argued that the leak, the largest in US history, assisted al-Qaeda (aka the enemy) and Manning should have known that would happen because well, there were 700,000 documents full of government secrets. The defense played the dumb card, arguing that Manning was a shy, naïve soldier who didn’t act with the “evil intent” necessary to justify the aiding-the-enemy charge. So I guess it was a small victory for the defense. Had Manning been convicted of aiding the enemy, he would have faced a life sentence in prison without the possibility of parole. Next up: Snowden? Washington Post

Pakistan prisonPrison Break: Pakistani Edition. Turns out Indonesia isn’t the only place prisoners can make mass escapes. Late Monday night 250 prisoners escaped from a Pakistani prison after the 100-year-old facility was attacked by Taliban fighters. Damn those Taliban fighters! The militants ambushed the prison grounds on motorbikes and vehicles, blasting the walls with rocket-propelled grenades and other explosive devices, which allowed the prisoners to break free. Security officials have said that 243 prisoners, including 30 militants and 5 females, escaped. Considering the prison only held about 500 inmates, it was quite the prison break. As for the whereabouts of the escapees, no one really know. “The attackers have melted away in the population,” one official said. Good to know they’re assimilating well.  New York Times

Fifty Shades of TortureHow do terrorists pass the time at Gitmo? By reading 50 Shades of Grey obviously. In between forced tube feedings and interrogations, high-value detainees at Guantanamo’s secret Camp Seven enjoy a little light reading. According to Representative Jim Moran, a Democrat from Virginia who went on congressional delegation tour of the camp last week, 50 Shades is the most commonly requested book at the prison. “Rather than the Quran, the book that is requested most by the [high-value detainees] is Fifty Shades of Grey. They’ve read the entire series in English, but we were willing to translate it,” Moran, who advocates for closing the facility, told HuffPost. “I guess there’s not much going on, these guys are going nowhere, so what the hell.” The book is about torture, sexual degradation, and dehumanizing submission… I guess they can relate. Huffington Post

Toronto StreetcarJust when you thought riding the Toronto streetcar couldn’t get worse: it got worse. Amateur video footage from Friday night shows Toronto police shooting repeatedly at a teenager armed with a knife on a streetcar. Sammy Yatim, 18, pulled a knife and ordered everybody off the 505 Dundas streetcar near Trinity Bellwoods Park. Police were alerted and crowded around the streetcar. A standoff quickly ensued and nine gunshots were heard on the video, at least one of which fatally shot Yatim. Some are now up in arms over what they are calling excessive police force. Police say the video is “just one segment” of a broader picture and they are investigating the incident. CBC News

Bloomberg SodaNYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg can now drown his sorrows in a 16-ounce soft drink because a New York appeals court has upheld a ruling striking down the mayor’s latest health push: his controversial ban on large sugary drinks. The court ruled that the ban, which would have prohibited the sale of sodas and other sugary beverages larger than 16 ounces by restaurants and city eateries, was an illegal overreach of executive power. But Bloomberg’s not ready to back down just yet – his administration says it will appeal. “Today’s appellate division decision is a temporary setback, and we plan to appeal as we continue the fight against the obesity epidemic,” said Bloomberg, whose other pro-health efforts include an end to smoking in most public places, a ban on trans fats and requiring big restaurant chains to list calorie counts of their offerings. NBC News

VaCATion Time

Programming Note: Reagan is going on a vaCATion and will be back on August 12th with more news and more cats.

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Huma Abedin’s Islamist Ties Cause Anthony Weiner to Sext

Huma Abedin

The underlying reason behind Anthony Weiner’s sexting addiction has been revealed on Fox News: Weiner is un-attracted to his wife, Huma Abedin, because “she is connected with Islamists”. It allll makes sense now.

It’s not Anthony Weiner’s fault he feels compelled to send dick pics to other woman. The NYC mayoral candidate couldn’t help it – he’s married to Huma Abedin, an Islamist who wants to “destroy America” with the help of her familial connections in the Muslim Brotherhood. Or at least this was Fox guest Brooke Goldstein’s conclusion during Thursday morning’s edition of Red Eye.

When discussing the (second) Anthony Weiner sexting scandal, the Lawfare Project’s Brooke Goldstein said that the real question everyone should be asking “is why is Weiner so un-attracted to Huma Abedin.” And Brooke, a self-proclaimed human rights lawyer/some pole dancer who won a contest to appear on FOX, has the answer!

“Perhaps it’s because she is connected with Islamists who want to kill us. Perhaps it’s because her family members are part and parcel of the Muslim Brotherhood. I completely agree with Andy McCarthy that she poses one of the greatest national security threats in this administration. She has access to the most classified information, because of her position with Clinton, about the Muslim Brotherhood, which creed is to destroy America.”

Yes, it’s all part of Huma Abedin’s master plan. Step 1: Marry a Jewish perv. Step 2: Destroy America.

“That’s big story here,” Goldstein insisted. “And I feel like it’s almost a setup. He’s sending these sex texts — or whatever we call them these days — just to distract from his wife.”

Meanwhile, polls are showing that a majority of Democrats (53%) think Weiner should drop out of the New York City mayor’s race and his overall support has dropped to 16 percent among Democratic voters.

Via: Right Wing Watch

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Current Event Cat of the Day: Israeli-Palestinian Peace Talks

Current Event Cat - Peace Talks

Israeli-Palestinian peace talks kicked off with a working dinner at the US State Department on Monday night. Nothing like a working dinner to ease your way into an impossible task.

U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry is credited with opening the first direct peace talks between Israeli and Palestinian peace negotiators in three years. In the last five months, John Kerry has made it his mission to get this thing going, making six official visits to the Middle East in an effort to restart the negotiations.

Mission accomplished! (In getting everyone in one room – not on negotiating any kind of peace deal). Top representatives of Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu (Israeli Justice Minister Tzipi Livni and lead Palestinian negotiator Saeb Erakat) were at the White House meeting ready to get down to business. The new peace talks mark the first time the two sides will be holding face-to-face negotiations in nearly three years – even longer if you discount the last talks which failed after one day. This time the two sides have committed to at least nine months of talks – but neither is especially hopeful that they will get a good deal out of the other side.

Reaching “reasonable compromises” between Israelis and Palestinians will be difficult, Kerry told reporters earlier Monday, adding that “the consequences of not trying could be worse.”

“Many difficult choices lie ahead for the negotiators and for the leaders as we seek reasonable compromises on tough, complicated, emotional and symbolic issues,” Kerry said.“I think reasonable compromises has to be a keystone of all of this effort.”

Reasonable

Well if there’s one thing the Middle East in known for, it’s reasonable compromises. So good luck with that John Kerry.

Via: BBC News & Current Event Cats

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Current Event Cat of the Day: Pope Francis & Homosexuals

Current Event Cat - Gay Priests Pope Francis

Pope Francis announces that that homosexuals should not be judged or marginalized and should be integrated into society.

The Pope’s new position is that homosexual acts are sinful, but homosexual orientation is not. Therefore priests can be gay, as long as they don’t act on their urges – which shouldn’t be too difficult considering they’re supposed to be celibate. Same thing for pedophiles – as long as they don’t act on it, they can still be priests they can be priests regardless of how many young boys they’ve molested.

Still, the Pope’s idea to forgive gay clergymen is a bit more progressive than Pope Benedict XVI, who signed a document in 2005 that said men with deep-rooted homosexual tendencies should not be priests.

Pope Francis also stressed that god-loving homosexuals should not be shunned or discriminated against but rather integrated into society.

“If someone is gay and he searches for the Lord and has goodwill, who am I to judge?” Francis said on a plane returning from his week-long trip to Brazil.

Looks like a little vacay in Brazil was all Pope Francis needed to get on board the gay train. Well, I wouldn’t say he’s fully onboard considering he still reaffirmed the Church teaching that homosexual acts are a sin. I guess it’s more like he has acknowledged homosexuals exist and others should exist along beside them. One step at a time!

Pope Francis also said he wanted a greater role for women in the Church, but insisted the ban on women priests is “definitive”.

“The Church has spoken and says no … that door is closed.”

The Roman Catholic Church’s new slogan: “We’re progressive. But not really….”

Via: Current Event Cats & The New York Times

Weiner Loses his Lead… And Other News

Weiner loses his lead

Weiner loses his lead! Could it be because of the dick pics? Yes.

At first Anthony Weiner was able to maintain his lead in the New York City mayoral race after admitting to sexting with various women after his resignation from congress, but now it seems his support is plummeting.  According to a new poll by NBC 4 New York, The Wall Street Journal and the Marist Institute for Public Opinion, City Council Speaker Christine Quinn garners 25% support among Democratic primary voters compared with 16% for Weiner. The question is will Weiner now pull out of the race? And more importantly, will he ever pull his weiner out from in front of his phone? USA Today

Recife SharkShark Attack! A week after a 15-year-old girl was bitten in half by a shark along the shore of Reunion Island in the Indian Ocean, an 18-year-old girl was fatally bitten in Recife, on the coast of Brazil. To sum up, sharks like teenage girls. Bruna Gobbi was attacked by a bull shark while she was being rescued from drowning. The teenager and her cousin had been swimming and began to struggle in the water. Moments before the lifeguards could rescue them, a giant shark bit Gobbi, severing her leg.  Authorities are now wondering whether there should be a ban on swimming near Recife, a notorious shark zone. Huffington Post

Cruise MeatWell, it was cleaner than the stranded Carnival Cruise ship but the Luxury Cruise Ship, the Silver Shadow, failed to pass a sanitation inspection. The surprise inspection by the Centers for Disease Control resulted in a failing grade for the ship which is considered was of the highest end cruises around. The company said it charges passengers an average of $5,000 per week to sail. An anonymous tipster sent in photos of meat stashed in the sinks of crew members’ rooms and food trolleys hidden in hallways prompting the surprise inspection. Apparently during previous inspections crew members were asked to store unrefrigerated meat and cheese in their rooms. Still, I’d rather be on the Silver Shadow than the Costa Concordia. CNN

Cat AllergiesScientists are one step closer to discovering the cure for people who “think” they have cat allergies. British scientists have uncovered how allergic reactions to cats are triggered, raising everyone’s hopes of developing a preventative medicine. The researchers found a protein in cat dander — or dead skin cells — that interacts with a chemical in the human body to cause allergy symptoms, which can range from itching and sneezing to asthma attacks. When the dander is released – often through petting or playful cat fights – it triggers an allergic reaction ONLY IF it’s in the presence of a common environmental bacterial toxin called lipopolysaccharides, or LPS. The government definitely needs to put more funding into this! Once allergies are cured it will be cats for everybody!! BBC News

BanananannasThe secret to life is… bananas. With the recent death of a 116-year-old Japanese man, the new record-holder for the world’s oldest living man is a 112-year-old New York resident who is a self-taught musician and former coal miner. Salustiano Sanchez-Blazquez said his longevity can be attributed to eating one banana per day and his daily dose of six Anacin tablets. So I guess it’s not an apple a day keeps the doctor away – it’s a banana a day. He should have given some to his wife – she passed away from old age in 1988. CBC News

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Australian Billionaire Clive Palmer to Build Jurassic Park Knock Off

Dinosaur Park Clive Palmer

In a classic case of people who have too much money to know what to do with, Australian billionaire Clive Palmer has decided to build “the world’s biggest“ dinosaur park on the grounds of his Sunshine Coast resort.

Are there other dinosaur parks for Clive Palmer to compete with? Am I out of the loop regarding dinosaur parks?

Despite hundreds of objections filed by local residents, Clive Palmer got the green light to go through with his dinosaur park, which will be made up of giant robotic dinosaurs, including five Tyrannosaurus rex robots as well as a 10m Ruyangosaurus. The dinosaurs are on order from China and will be able to move their tails and chests and blink their eyes. That’s it? What kind of Jurassic Park is this?

The Sunshine Coast council voted unanimously in favour of the dinosaur park, hoping it will boost tourism to the region. The park has only one restriction: the dinosaurs must not roar too loudly. That shouldn’t be a problem considering they are programmable robots.

Clive Palmer is also currently building a replica of the Titanic to re-enact the ill-fated ship’s Atlantic voyage in 2016 and has also recently formed his own federal political party: the Palmer United Party. So you know he’s full of great ideas and not crazy at all…

When asked earlier this year why he was building the Titanic replica, Palmer said: “I want to spend the money I’ve got before I die”.

Clive Palmer for Australian Prime Minister!

Via: The Guardian 

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Local Reporter Has Penis On Her Mind

Local Reporter Penis

Siobhan Riley of Michigan’s WJRT-TV Channel 12 was simply trying to explain the traffic congestion within a construction zone of Saginaw. But instead she drew a giant penis.

Technology isn’t always your friend and Siobhan Riley learned that the “hard” way after she used a touchscreen television to report on construction in downtown Saginaw, Michigan. In what was either some kind of Freudian slip, a giant FU to her boss, or confusion about whether or not she was doing a story on Anthony Weiner, Riley scrawled a giant penis on the screen. Or maybe she was trying to convey that anyone driving near the construction zone would be screwed that day.

The Tuesday night clip (seen below) quickly became popular – except among Fox News viewers. They’re too used to seeing giant dicks explaining the news.

Via: Business Insider

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Current Event Cat of the Day: Spanish Train Crash

Current Event Cat - Spanish Train

Fast and the Furious 8: Train Edition. With Spanish subtitles.

A passenger train derailed in Spain after it travelled too fast and too furiously around a curve. Reports indicate that the train was travelling at excessive speeds and ended up derailing outside Santiago de Compostela in northwestern Spain.

The train was arriving at Santiago de Compostela, ahead of a major Christian festival in the religious city. Needless to say, the city of Santiago de Compostela canceled its annual July 25 celebration of St. James the Apostle, the patron saint of Spain and historic Galicia. The locals were NOT in a celebratory mood.

Spain’s worst rail crash in decades left at least 78 people dead and dozens more injured. Passenger cars were toppled on their sides, and one was torn open. Emergency workers continued to sort through the mangled debris more than 12 hours after the train crashed and burned.

The official cause of the crash has yet to be determined but since no technical problems were evident, everyone is giving the driver of the train the side-eye. One of the two train drivers has been put under formal investigation.

The driver, who was temporarily trapped in the cab of the train, said that the train had taken the curve at more than twice the speed limit of 50 miles per hour.

I hope no one died because it will weigh on my conscience,” he was quoted as saying.

He’s in for a surprise. And a heavy conscience.

Via: The New York Times & Current Event Cats

Canadian Man Drinks and Swims to Detroit… And Other News.

Detroit Swimmer

A Canadian man is sorry for chugging eight beers and swimming across the water to Detroit.

The 47-year-old Windsor man swam across the Detroit river just to prove to his friends he could do it. According to him, “If I’m going to be in the paper, I’d at least like them to say I actually made it, even though I got in trouble and everything. I gotta pay fines and stuff. But I don’t want it to sound like I didn’t make it, because then my buddies are going to say ‘ha, ha, you didn’t make it.’ Because that was the whole thing, to show them I could do it.” I guess I’d be sorry too if I spent the night drinking and wound up in Detroit. Sadly with Detroit’s demographic, not many can swim out of Detroit and into Canada. Gawker

Snowden AgainAfter living for a month is Moscow’s Sheremetyevo airport, notorious leaker Edward Snowden has been granted…. a change of clothes and a copy of “Crime and Punishment”. But still no clearance to enter Russia. More airport food to come Snowden! Snowden is waiting for some key immigration documents from Russia so he can finally leave the airport where he’s been living in limbo since fleeing from Hong Kong last month. At least he got to change his underwear.  New York Times

Mexican standoffIt’s a Mexican standoff! At least 20 armed gang members and two police officers have died in a shootout in Mexico’s western Michoacan state. The clashes between the police and the drug lords began after the gang members from the Knights Templar drug cartel blocked roads and bridges and ambushed the police patrols and ambulances. This isn’t the first time the Knights Templar drug cartel has behaved badly. In fact it’s not even the first time this week. The Tuesday ambush came just one day after five people were shot and killed by Knights Templar gangsters in a demonstration protesting their violent tactics. I guess their protest backfired… BBC News

Nancy GraceSo close! A man was arrested for allegedly plotting to tie up and kill HLN anchors Nancy Grace and Jane Velez-Mitchell. Apparently the New York man was unhappy about how the anchors covered the Jodi Arias trial. Unfortunately for him, he decided to tweet his revenge plan, posting numerous twitter threats. While twitter threats are super common, David Lee Simpson aroused further suspicion when he quit his job, saying he was leaving town. David Lee Simpson’s big plan was to get the two anchors naked, tie them up to a tree, leave them there overnight and then slit their throats. Instead, he was arrested during a traffic stop with a car full of weapons. Daily Dot

Bush ShavedIt’s not the best look but at least it’s going to a good cause. George H.W Bush has shaved his head to show support for a boy who has leukaemia. Bush, 89, noticed that a number of his Secret Service detail had shaved their heads in solidarity with an agent’s 2-year-old son who is undergoing treatment for leukemia, so he joined in the fun and shaved it all off. At 89, did he really have much hair to begin with? And more importantly, will George W. follow suit? The only thing better than one shaved Bush is two shaved Bushes! Politico

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Only in Japan Would a Haiku Killer Exist

Haiku Killer

Hundreds of police are searching for the Haiku Killer, a 63-year-old man accused of murdering 5 people and burning down 2 homes in a small Japanese town with only 16 residents.

5 victims out of 16 residents?? So the Haiku Killer basically murdered a third of the town. The suspect, who has been MIA since Monday, left the police a clue in the window of his home in the form of a Haiku poem. According to the authorities, the poem translated as: “Setting on fire, smoke gives delight, to country fellows.”

The Haiku killer is thought to have burned down two homes after murdering five elderly victims in their sleep. The victims were found in the smoldering remains of their homes, and were later discovered to have been beaten to death. All five reportedly died instantly after being struck on the head with a blunt instrument.

According to the remaining residents of the town, the man reported to be the Haiku Killer was known to be unfriendly and “something of a troublemaker”. After his parents died 8 years ago, he grew increasingly alienated and began taking medication. Also, one of the victims frequently fought with him over his dog, who she didn’t like. So obviously she had to be burned to death. I’d write a Haiku about it, but I’m not Japanese.

Via: CNN

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