Archive | February, 2014

Severe Clown Shortage Plagues Nation!

Sad Clown Clown Shortage

The US is facing a clown shortage – and it’s no laughing matter.

The World Clown Association, the country’s largest trade group for clowns (yes, it exists), reports that membership has fallen from about 3,500 to 2,005 in the past decade. The nation’s imminent clown shortage has been brought on by a decline of interest in clowning, as well as the “advanced age” of its existing clown pool.

In an interview with The New York Daily News, the Clowns of America International President Glen Kohlberger warned that unless immediate action is taken, the time-honored profession of freaking out little kids and adults alike may soon be a thing of the past.

“What’s happening is attrition,” said Kohlberger. “The older clowns are passing away.”

In addition to old clowns dying off, Kohlberger says it’s difficult getting younger people who develop an early interest clowning to stick with it on the professional level. I can’t imagine why – the money was be pretty good minimum wage at best.

“What happens is they go on to high school and college and clowning isn’t cool anymore,” Kohlberger continued. “Clowning is then put on the back burner until their late 40s and early 50s.”

On the bright side, the declining clown population may cause a drop in the number of people suffering from coulrophobia, a fear of clowns. So the US clown shortage may be a good thing after all – because let’s face it, clowns are creepy and everybody knows it. I mean, what kind of grown man wakes up, puts on white face paint, red lipstick, and giant rubber shoes and DOESN’T think about murdering you in your sleep?

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Girl Scout Sells Cookies In Front Of A San Francisco Weed Shop

Girl Scout Weed Cookies

An enterprising San Francisco Girl Scout set up her cookie shop outside a local medical marijuana clinic, hoping to lure in some stoners with the munchies.

Not surprisingly, 13-year-old Danielle Lei sold 117 boxes of Girl Scout cookies in her first two hours outside The Green Cross, which her mom says is 37 more than she sold in the same time span at a Safeway.

Lei’s mom Carol said that she contacted The Green Cross beforehand to get their permission. The marijuana shop’s owners were immediately on board with the idea  – probably because they were high and had a sudden craving for cookies.

“It’s no secret that cannabis is a powerful appetite stimulant, so we knew this would be a very beneficial endeavor for the girls,” Holli Bert, a staff member at The Green Cross said. “It’s all about location, and what better place to sell Girl Scout cookies than outside a medical cannabis collective?”

Carol figured this might be a good way to start a conversation about drugs, but the real reason she let her daughter sell cookies to stoners is because she wants to be a “cool mom”.

“You put it in terms that they may understand,” Carol said. “I’m not condoning it, I’m not saying go out in the streets and take marijuana […] It also adds a little bit of cool factor. I can be a cool parent for a little bit.”

Carol can send her daughter to all the weed shops in the country, but she’ll never reach Regina George Mom status.

Cool Mom

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Women Arrested Over Overdue Video Tape

Kayla Finley Video Arrest

A South Carolina woman spent a night in jail for failing to return a video she rented — in 2005. But that’s not even the worst part. It was a VHS tape. Of a Jennifer Lopez movie. Titled Monster-In-Law.

Monster-In-LawKayla Michelle Finley, 27, was arrested on February 13 when she visited the Pickens County Sheriff’s Office to report an unrelated domestic dispute. While there, the cops discovered that there was an active warrant for her arrest – so they arrested her on the spot.

Chief Deputy Creed Hashe said the video store, Dalton Videos (now out of business – thanks Netflix!), had asked a Pickens County judge for the warrant years ago when Finley didn’t return her video.  Police said several warning letters about the overdue video were sent to Finley, but didn’t live at that address anymore.

Finley ended up spending the night in jail because her bond hearing couldn’t be held until Friday morning. When morning came she was released on a $2,000 personal recognizance bond.

Finley was “shocked and disgusted” at the arrest, while the rest of the nation was shocked and disgusted at her taste in movies.

“This is a bogus charge and everyone knows it,” Finley wrote on Facebook.

The Pickens County Magistrate’s Office has since reported that the charge against Finley for failing to return a VHS video was dropped a week after her arrest. The owner of the now defunct store decided to not pursue the charge because of all the media attention the case was receiving.

But once they find out she forgot to REWIND the tape, they may haul her off to the slammer again.

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All White Wrestling Team Thinks Lynching Black Dummy Shows School Spirit

White Boys Lynching

Eight members of a Phillipsburgh, New Jersey high school wrestling team were banned from a state tournament days after a photo surfaced of team members lynching a black wrestling dummy.

The photo features seven of the wrestlers simulating a lynching of a black wrestling dummy in a Paulsboro High School’s shirt – the school’s longtime wrestling rival. Even though 37 percent of residents of Paulsboro, New Jersey are African-American, compared to only 7.5 percent of Phillipsburgh, the boys insist the dummy’s colour had nothing to do with it – they were just trying to show school spirit.

The boys’ lawyer, speaking on behalf of the students, said:

“[W]hen we spontaneously set the scene and posed for the photograph, our sole purpose was to promote school spirit and portray our wrestling team as victor over two of our archrivals — Paulsboro High School and Kittatinny High School, and not for any other purpose.”

“In outfitting the wrestling dummy, we did not give any thought to the physical appearance of the dummy as anything other than an unidentified generic wrestler.

“We did not intend to disparage anyone,” he continued. “We are truly sorry for any harm we may have caused.”

Their attorney also noted that the wrestling dummy in the photo is used in daily practices and, as far as they know, is only manufactured in dark leather. If there were a white dummy, they totally would have lynched him too. Or would they have chosen a non-lynching intimidation tactic? Like perhaps some sort of wrestling move… because, they’re wrestling team.

Much like the high school girls that thought it was appropriate to feature fried chicken, watermelon and cornbread for Black History Month, the boys’ action, however “innocently” it came to be, seems pretty dumb in retrospect. If they can’t understand why a photo of a bunch of white boys lynching a black dummy might be slightly offensive – especially when one of them appears to be wearing a Ku Klux Klan type hat – then that high school is doing a pretty poor job on the education front.

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How Many Austin Police Officers Does It Take To Arrest One Jaywalking Jogger?

Austin Jogger Arrested for Jaywalking

The answer: four! According to eye witnesses, a 24-year-old female jogger was dragged screaming to a police car in Austin, Texas after being arrested for failing to provide ID while jogging and jaywalking. And the real kicker is she wasn’t even Hispanic!

Amanda Jo Stephen was out for a jog last Thursday when an officer yelled for her to stop as she crossed the street. With music pumping through her headphones, Amanda didn’t hear the cop and kept on jogging. When the officer caught up with her he grabbed her from behind and asked for identification. When the startled jogger refused to give him her name, the two officers on the scene placed her in handcuffs and called for backup.

“I didn’t do anything wrong,” she shouted. “I didn’t do anything wrong. I didn’t f*cking do anything wrong. I just crossed the street.”

When two additional officers on bicycles arrived, the jogger was promptly arrested and hauled into a police cruiser screaming and crying.

The incident was caught on video recorded a student at the University of Texas.

“I was sitting at the Starbucks at 24th and San Antonio,” the student, Chris Quinterotold the Daily Texan, the student newspaper for the University of Texas-Austin. “Then I hear a cop shout at an innocent girl jogging through West Campus with her headphones on.”

“She repeatedly pleaded with them, saying that she was just exercising and to let her go,” Quintero continued.

The Austin Police Department responded to the incident, saying  the local police are working on “pedestrian enforcement”, focusing on pedestrian and bike safety. Austin Police Chief Art Acevedo was quick to defend his officers and place the blame solely on the uncooperative jogger who, he added, should be thankful she wasn’t sexually assaulted.

“This officer hears the other officer yelling for someone to ‘stop!’ Immediately starts running after the individual and is yelling at her to stop, ‘Austin Police, stop!’ So now you have two officers yelling at this person,”  Chief Acevedo said at a press conference Friday afternoon.

“Whether or not he grabbed her by behind it doesn’t…it’s not relevant! At some point she knows it’s a cop! The cop asked her a lawful question that she is lawfully required to answer and she didn’t! That’s why she went to jail,” Acevedo continued.

“And quite frankly she wasn’t charged with resisting. She’s lucky I wasn’t the arresting officer, because I wouldn’t have been as generous.”

“In other cities there’s cops who are actually committing sexual assaults on duty, so I thank God that this is what passes for a controversy in Austin, Texas,” he added. Wow.

While the police work on “pedestrian safety”, Austin joggers might want to start working on their endurance – they’ll need it when Chief Acevedo runs them out of town.

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Norwegian Boy Pretends He’s A Dwarf To Avoid Getting Driving Underage… Then Gets Caught Again

Boy or Dwarf?

A ten-year-old Norwegian boy came up with a… creative… excuse after he drove his parents’ car into a snowy ditch; he told the cops he was a dwarf who forgot his license.

“No Officer, I’m not a 10-year-old boy out on a joy ride, I’m obviously a dwarf…”

Two weeks ago, the young boy put his 18-month old sister in the family car while his parents were still sleeping and headed out towards Grandma’s house. However, he only managed to drive 10 kilometers before veering off the road and ending up in a snowy ditch. Still, not bad for a 10-year-old. A snowplow driver saw the car and alerted the police. When the police showed up they found that the children were not injured, the car was not damaged, but the parents were a little worried.

“The parents woke up and discovered that the children were missing and that someone had taken off with their car. They were pretty upset, as you can imagine,” said Baard Christiansen, a spokesman for the Vest Oppland police district.

“The boy told the snowplow driver that he was a dwarf and that he had forgotten his driver’s license at home.”

Police said no charges would be filed and the case was closed.

“We have talked to [the parents], and I’m pretty sure they’re going to pay very close attention both to their children and to their car keys in the future,” Christiansen said.

WRONG.  Apparently Junior didn’t learn his lesson because fast forward two weeks and he’s done it again. For Round 2, the boy stole his aunt’s car and drove about 35 kilometers before his parents called the police and they pulled him over.

“He is a boy who likes adventure and excitement, that’s all there is to it,” his mother said.

They sound like great parents…

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13 Memorable Olympic Moments – That Have Nothing to Do With Athletics…

Olympic Cats

After eighteen days of exhilarating athletics, varying Putin facial expressions, and numerous #SochiProblems, the 2014 Winter Olympics have finally come to an end.

And the winner is…. Russia? The host country won a total 33 medals – including 13 gold. Was it worth $51 billion? For Putin, probably.

Screenshot 2014-02-23 09.43.52

Now we could go over the impressive athletic achievements of the past weeks, but I’ve never been one for actual sports… so here’s a list of some memorable Olympic moments that have nothing to do with athletics:

13. The Olympics get off to a glitchy start at the Opening Ceremonies…

Olympic Glitch

At the start of the Olympic opening ceremonies, five large snowflakes were supposed to transform into the five Olympic rings but one was left in the dark – right before President Putin took the stage.

Luckily there was a giant pantless bear and his two buddies to get the sort of gay festivities rolling again.

Dancing Bear

12. Russian Olympic officials make sure Sochi is stray dog and gay free.

Sochi Dog 2

Despite Putin’s half-assed efforts to reassure gay athletes and fans that they will not be discriminated against, the ban on “gay propaganda” was in full effect. But flamboyant homosexuals weren’t the only unwanted visitors. Olympic organizers hired a pest control company “catch and dispose” of stray dogs before and during the Olympics Games.

11. The Jamaican Bobsled Team makes it to Sochi… but loses their luggage along the way.

Cool Runnings

Feel da riddum! Feel da rhyme! Get on up it’s bobsledding time! After sorting out a few funding issues, the two-man Jamaican bobsled team arrived in Sochi ready to make John Candy proud. Unfortunately, they flew Delta Airlines and lost some of their gear en-route to Russia, forcing them to miss their first training session.

10. Two of the Dufour-Lapointe sisters win medals… the other one, not so much.

Olympic Sisters

Two Canadian sisters, Justine and Chloe Dufour-Lapointe, took the gold and silver in the skiing moguls and stepped up to the podium together. Their oldest sister, Maxime sat on the sidelines after placing 12th on the eve of the her 25th birthday – she’s clearly past her prime. The three sisters did a series of interviews following the double victory, leaving Maxime to smile awkwardy as she patiently listened to everyone gush over her younger siblings.

9. Bob Costa’s crusty eye infection ruins his Olympic anchor streak.

Bob-Costas

The veteran NBC sports reporter was forced to pull himself out of the anchor seat and into the optometrist’s chair after contracting pink eye in both eyes, leaving viewers stuck with Matt Lauer and ruining his streak of hosting 157 consecutive prime-time Olympics broadcasts.

8. Sochi’s tap water raises some suspicions…

sochi-tap-water-St.-Clair

A Chicago Tribune reporter tweeted this picture after the staff at her Sochi hotel warned her not to use the tap water on her face because it contains “something very dangerous”. “On the bright side, I now know what very dangerous face water looks like,” the reporter tweeted.

7. Johnny Weir goes full-on flamboyant fashionista.

JohnnyWeirSochiOlympics

While commentating on the Olympic ice-capades for NBC, the former figurer skater, who looks like a strange combination of Pee Wee Herman and Rob Schneider, decided to go full-on flamboyant with his fashionable get-ups.

6. American Bobsledder Johnny Quinn breaks down barriers.

Quinn Door

Johnny Quinn learned the hard way that in Soviet Russia, bathroom stalls you. The Olympian found himself locked inside a bathroom in Russia’s Olympic Village in Sochi after taking a shower. Luckily, Quinn had two things on his side: the poor quality of Russian construction and his bobsledding skills. So the 6-foot, 220-pound former football player pulled a Kool-Aid man and smashed through the door.

5. Canada takes its notorious politeness to a new level.

Canada to the rescue

Showing the true meaning of sportsmanship, Canadian cross-country ski coach Justin Wadsworth came to the aid of a Russian skier who had damaged his skis in a crash.

 4. Putin cuddles with gay athletes.

Putin_Wust_Speedskater

After winning gold at the Sochi Olympics, Dutch speedskater Ireen Wüst went to celebrate at a party held in her honor. On the guest list? One Vladimir Putin. The openly gay speedskater told Dutch broadcast NOS that while there she “got a cuddle” from Putin, sparking outrage among some LGBT organizations.

3. NBC reduces skier Bode Miller to tears.

Bode Miller Interview

NBC (along with every reality TV show producer) knows that Americans love a good sob story and networks executives love a cheap ploy for ratings. But when NBC’s Christin Cooper interviewed Olympian skier Bode Miller, she may have gone too far with the whole gut-wrenching Olympian backstory narrative, repeatedly asking the athlete about the death of his brother.

2. The Olympic athletes run into some awkward bathroom situations.

Double Toilet Sochi

Cost cutting fail or Russia’s answer to accommodating gay athletes? BBC journalist Steve Rosenberg tweeted a picture from the men’s bathroom at the Olympic Biathlon Centre showing two toilets side by side in the same stall. Apparently the Russians were too busy beefing up their security and defending themselves against accusations of homophobia that they forgot how to properly construct a bathroom.

1. Canada comes out on top.

Screenshot 2014-02-20 22.31.44

Not only did Canada win 25 medals and dominate in hockey, the northern nation scored two cases of beer from Barack Obama and a guarantee that the US will keep Justin Bieber. Double win!

Hockey Bet Bieber

Now Canada will have extra beer bottles to stock its beer fridge in the Sochi Olympic Village.

team-canada-beer-fridge

Sorry Bieber – Canadians only. 

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Rand Paul Defends A Subhuman Mongrel… And Other News

Rand Paul Subhuman Mongrel

Rand Paul sticking up for President Obama?? Has hell frozen over? Are pigs flying? No, Ted Nugent’s just spewing out verbal diarrhea again.

The Kentucky Senator denounced the right-wing rocker on Thursday for calling President Obama a “subhuman mongrel.” And not just any subhuman mogrel – a communist-raised, communist-educated, communist- nurtured subhuman mongrel. Rand Paul tweeted that Nugent should apologize, saying that his “derogatory description of President Obama is offensive and has no place in politics.” Meanwhile Ted Nugent is heading out on the campaign trail with the Texas gubernatorial candidate Greg Abbott. His democratic competitor, Wendy Davis, has called Abbott’s decision to allow the retired rocker to campaign for him “repulsive”. Washington Post

ArizonaOh Arizona… The Republican-dominated Arizona state Legislature sent a controversial bill to the Gov. Jan Brewer’s desk Thursday designed to allow business the right to discriminate against LGBT people. More specifically, the bill would allow individuals, corporations, and religious bodies to use religious beliefs to defend themselves in a discrimination lawsuit. The bill’s sponsor, Sen. Steve Yarbrough (R), claims that the legislation protects the “religious freedom” of private business owners. I guess the Grand Canyon is now only the second biggest hole in Arizona… Opponents believe the bill is just Arizona’s clever attempt to codify bigotry into law. If the bill is signed, Christian bakers, wedding photographers, florists and other wedding related professionals can turn away same-sex couples on account of their religious beliefs/bigotry. MSNBC

ukrainian-flagAfter a particularly bloody week that left at least 75 protesters dead in Kiev, Ukrainian President Viktor Yanukovych and opposition leaders have signed a tentative deal to “settle the crisis”. The deal includes early presidential elections, a trimming of Yanukovych’s powers, electoral reform, and a coalition government. The compromise came after all-night talks with opposition party leaders and EU representatives. While the deal was approved by opposition leaders Vitali Klitschko, Arseniy Yatsenyuk and Oleh Tyahnibok, some protesters still feel like it isn’t enough and justice should be brought to Yanukovych, who ordered a vicious crackdown on protesters that left more than 100 people dead. “A coalition government is good, it’s a step in the right direction and it is what we wanted,” said one protester, “But there is no way Yanukovych can stay in office till December – he is a murderer now and must be prosecuted as a murderer.” BBC News

Obama lamaChina threatens drama if Obama meets the Dalai Lama. President Obama and the Dalai Lama are set to meet privately at the White House on Friday to practice some yoga and talk about China behind their back (I presume). The Tibetan leader is on a three-week tour of the US to drum up some support for his ‘middle way’ approach of neither assimilation nor independence for Tibetans in China. China, the Dalai Lama’s sworn nemeisis, accused Obama of letting the Tibetan use the White House as a podium to promote anti-Chinese activities. The Chinese government warned that the meeting will “inflict grave damages” on their relationship. But considering US presidents have been receiving the exiled Dalai Lama in the capitol for the past three decades, China is probably bluffing. What are they going to do to America anyways? Call in their debts? Oh crap… The Guardian

Miami_Dolphins3Looks like the Miami Dolphins need to schedule some sensitivity training in between plays… The Miami Dolphins fired offensive-line coach Jim Turner and head athletics trainer Kevin O’Neill after the National Football League’s investigation into the bullying of player Jonathan Martin. The investigative report stated there was a “pattern of harassment” against two Dolphins linemen and an assistant trainer, all targets of vicious taunts and racist insults. The offensive line coach reportedly did nothing to stop the abuse and even participated in the bullying by giving one lineman a male sex doll to mock him. Dolphins coach Joe Philbin said he was unaware of the bullying but guaranteed that the team will have a better workplace environment in 2014 – which is a promise that shouldn’t be too hard to keep. ESPN

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Michele Bachmann: Obama Rode To Victory On A Wave Of White Guilt

Bachmann White Guilt

Michele Bachmann has the 2016 presidential election all figured out. The former presidential hopeful believes Barrack Obama was elected president was “because of guilt” – white guilt to be exact – and that’s something Hillary Clinton just can’t compete with.

Speaking to conservative columnist Cal Thomas, Bachmann says that the “guilt” that Americans felt before electing Obama won’t benefit a female candidate for president.

“I think there was a cachet about having an African-American president because of guilt,” Bachmann said.

“People don’t hold guilt for a woman,” she added.

Apparently the white guilt was strong enough to elect Obama in 2008 and in 2012. Americans felt very guilty.

Unfortunately former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton won’t have that advantage in 2016. Not that it would matter anyway, because Bachmann, who is retiring from Congress after her current term, insists America “isn’t ready for a woman president” – a fact that she realized after running for president in 2012.

While voters will vote for women for every other elected office in the country, Bachmann doesn’t “think there is a pent-up desire” to see a woman in the Oval Office – especially one who is “the godmother of Obamacare” and “has a real problem when it comes to Benghazi”.

Plus, after having spent two decades in the public eye, Bachmann feels Clinton just won’t have the appeal that Obama first did. When Obama came along, she said, he was “new and different” (read: not white), Clinton… not so much.

As crazy as Michele Bachmann sounds, she is right about one thing – some women just aren’t fit to be president. Bachmann being the prime example…

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Oops That’s A Nintendo Wii, Not A Gun

Nintendo Wii

Florida trash aren’t the only ones who shoot unarmed teenagers. A Georgian cop fatally shot 17-year-old Christopher Roupe in the chest after mistaking his Nintendo Wii controller for a gun.

When officers showed up at Christopher Roupe’s home on Valentine’s Day to serve a probation violation warrant on his father, the teenager opened to door to an unpleasant surprise: death. The police officer later said in a statement that she was forced to shoot because Roupe had pointed at gun at her when he opened the door, but Roupe’s family and witnesses at the scene insist the boy was holding a Wii video game controller because he was getting ready to watch a movie.

“It just doesn’t add up,” Cole Law, the family’s attorney, observed. “We don’t know where [the claim that he had a gun] came from. The eyewitnesses on the scene clearly state that he had a Wii controller in his hand. He heard a knock at the door. He asked who it was, there was no response so he opened the door and upon opening the door he was immediately shot in the chest.”

Neighbor Ken Yates said that he saw the female officer immediately after the teen was killed and described her as being visibly distraught.

“This is tragic,” Yates said. “She came out of this house. She put her head in her hands and she was sobbing.”

The circumstances of the tragic shooting are being reviewed by the Georgia Bureau of Investigation – because a gun looks a lot different than a Nintendo Wii controller.

But in the meantime, we can now add holding a Nintendo Wii controller to the long list of reasons why you might get shot. Others include: playing loud music, texting during a movie, throwing mayonnaise on a car, and walking around wearing a hoodie in Florida.

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