Archive | February, 2014

Current Event Cat of the Day: Canada’s Hockey Team(s)

Current Event Cat - Canada Hockey

Can’t beat Canada at their own game! Canada’s women’s hockey team took the Olympic gold in Sochi Thursday, beating the Americans 3-2 in overtime.

The Canadian team started out a little shaky (ok, a lot shaky) and stayed pretty shaky until the very end. Team USA had a 2-0 lead with 3:26 left in regulation, but Canada ended up tying the game with 54.6 seconds left. Then, in the overtime sudden-death match, Canada’s Marie-Philip Poulin scored the golden goal on goalie Jessie Vetter to win Canadian women’s fourth straight gold medal in women’s ice hockey.

“To be back here with my jersey on and gold medal around my neck is the best thing ever,” said Poulin.

Looks like President Barack Obama owes Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper one case of beer. The two leaders agreed to wager two cases of beer: one for the women’s final game and another for today’s men’s semifinal showdown between Canada and the U.S.

Upon hearing the news after coming back from a trip to Mexico, Harper sent out a tweet to rub the Canadian victory in Obama’s face.

Screenshot 2014-02-20 22.31.44Bets are a great way to spice up sporting events, but Stephen Harper doesn’t need another case of beer. He can just scan his passport at the Canadian beer fridge, like all Canadians do.

team-canada-beer-fridge So here’s a better idea for a bet (taken from a Chicago billboard): Loser keeps Justin Bieber. After all, no one wins with dual-citizenship!

Loser Keeps BieberAt the very least it should make today’s men’s match more interesting…

UPDATE: America keeps Bieber.

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Ukraine’s Truce Collapses, Turns Into More Violence…. And Other News

Before and After Independence Square Ukraine Truce

So much for Ukrainian President Viktor Yanukovych’s “truce”…

Hours after the Ukrainian government announced a truce between police and anti-government protesters, Kiev broke out into a ball of violence. Since the truce announcement at least 20 protesters have died in gunfire that opened in Kiev’s Independence Square – in addition to one police officer. That makes almost 100 deaths since Tuesday – yikes. Meanwhile, the international community is not impressed. The European Union has agreed to impose sanctions on Ukrainian officials “responsible for violence and excessive force”. And in case asset freezes and visa bans don’t scare Ukraine into co-operating, maybe a stern message from President Obama will (but probably not). Appalled at the video of security forces firing automatic weapons at protesters, Obama called on Ukrainian President Viktor Yanukovych to immediately withdraw security forces from the streets of Kiev. So far, no response. BBC News

WhatsApp, Facebook?Facebook just bought an app worth 19 Instagrams. The social network paid $19 billion (19 times what they paid for Instagram two years ago) to acquire WhatsApp, the app you get someone you know switches to the iPhone while you’re still stuck with a disgruntled Blackberry. While not super popular in North America yet, the real-time instant messaging application has over 450 million monthly users – mainly in Brazil, South Africa, and Australia. “WhatsApp will complement our existing chat and messaging services to provide new tools for our community,” Zuckerberg wrote on his Facebook page. “Since WhatsApp and (Facebook) Messenger serve such different and important users, we will continue investing in both.” AKA Facebook is desperate to boost its popularity among the younger markets, who no longer think Facebook is cool. Reuters

Obama PicDear art history majors, you will be forever unemployed but at least you got an apology from the president. After making “off-the-cuff” remarks mocking art history degrees, President Obama sent a letter of apology to University of Texas at Austin Prof. Anne Collins Johns, who was offended by his statement. The remarks were made at a speech last month at a General Electric plant in Milwaukee. Obama told the crowd that “folks can make a lot more potentially with skilled manufacturing or the trades than they might with an art-history degree.” Then, realizing his possibly offensive statement, the president quickly added, “Now, nothing wrong with an art history degree – I love art history. So I don’t want to get a bunch of emails from everybody.” Apparently Prof. Anne Collins Johns didn’t catch that last part of the speech and wrote an angry message via the White House website. The president then sent a personal apology note to the university professor saying “Let me apologize. I was making a point about the jobs market, not the value of art history.” End of story, right? Wrong. Because Obama can’t do ANYTHING right in the Republicans’ eyes, Marco Rubio tweeted out this message: “Pathetic Obama apology to art history prof. We do need more degrees that lead to #jobs”. Telegraph

Hot Choc ExplosionHot chocolate explosion!! 30 students at Northside College Prep High School in Illinois were standing around making some sweet hot chocolate when suddenly there was a “a big explosion.” Turns out the gas from a single burner stove somehow ignited improperly, ruining the hot chocolate making experience that is essential to every high schooler’s education. “I was walking around to see what other groups were making,” said Mia Devura, 16. “I turn around and it’s this huge fire that’s up to the ceiling.” The students were evacuated and the ones with serious burns were sent to a nearby hospital. While there were no deaths, the students will never look at hot chocolate the same way again. Chicago Tribune

Pot MoneyLegalized pot (or legalized retard pills as Ann Coulter calls it) is a definite money-maker. Along with its residents, Coloardo and Washington state’s economies are getting high off of marijuana’s recent legalization. Colorado expects to take in more than $133 million from taxes on weed-related sales next fiscal year, well exceeding expectations of $70 million. But what will they spend their newfound wealth on? Colorado Governor John “Buzzkill” Hickenlooper is proposing a large chunk of the extra revenue be used for programs like preventing the underage consumption of marijuana and substance abuse treatment. Huh. Was he high when he came up with that idea? Time

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North & South Koreans: Reunited And It Feels So Good…

Koreans Reunion

An emotional six-day family reunion began on Thursday between dozens of elderly South Koreans and North Koreans in a rare sign of cooperation between the two countries.

Separated for six decades, the families met for the first time since the Korean War at a resort in North Korea. More than 100 mostly elderly South Koreans travelled through the snow to meet their children, brothers, sisters, spouses and other relatives. They carried gifts, including clothing, medicine and food for their relatives to the North – apparently North Korea is a little short on medicine… and food. Needless to say, it was an emotional day with a ton of hugging and crying.

“It’s hard for people to understand what it’s like when you’ve been separated so long,” South Korean resident Lee Du-young told the BBC before he left for the North.

“But it’s a true miracle; I’m so elated. All that was missing in my life was my brother, and now that I can see him again, I’d have no regrets whatsoever if I were to die tomorrow.”

Well that’s good to hear, because he’s headed to North Korea so he might actually end up dying tomorrow. You never know with Kim Jong-un – the whole thing could be a trap!

But a trap would be pretty surprising since this isn’t the first time that the Koreas have allowed family reunions. They tend to happen from time to time whenever the Kim Jongs are feeling extra generous – although this is the first one in three years.

In South Korea, only about a hundred or so relatives are chosen through a lottery system to take part in the reunion. About 72,000 South Koreans are on a waiting list to join the family reunion events. Nearly half of them are over 80.

In North Korea, no one knows how the families are chosen – most likely it’s whoever claps the hardest for Kim Jong-un.

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Crazy Utah Mom Buys Out Full Stock of “Indecent” T-Shirts

Judy Cox Hates T-shirts

Judy Cox was out shopping with her 19-year-old son at University Mall in Orem, Utah when she come across something so shockingly offensive she almost fainted: T-shirts with images of lingerie models.

The Utah mother was so outraged by the T-shirt display in the window of a PacSun store that she immediately went up to the store manager and complained – but not before shielding her precious 19-year-old’s eyes.

“On our way to another store we passed the PacSun store, and I just stopped dead in my tracks,” Judy Cox said.

“The bottom of one woman is completely exposed, uncovered and it’s a very provocative pose that she’s in,” Cox told continued. “Clearly it was offensive and I was most concerned about the youth and the children that would be viewing this.”

Won’t somebody please think of the children!! HelenLovejoy

The store manager agreed that the t-shirts were a bit racy, but explained that they couldn’t take down the display without permission from the corporate office.

But that wasn’t good enough for Judy, who has apparently never walked past a Victoria’s Secret store.

“As I was leaving the mall I just had this thought come to me that I can’t leave it, I can’t let it stay in the window for three or four more days while someone makes a decision,” Cox said.

So Judy did what any sane Mormon mother would do and bought the store’s entire stock of offensive t-shirts. In total Judy spent $567 on the pornographic t-shirts, which she plans to return in 59 days – keeping in line with the store’s 60-day return policy.

However, with the inventory on these shirts at zero, the corporate office will probably just end up sending another shipment since they sold so well at the Utah location. So… she sure showed them.

Judy has since contacted two ultra-conservative organizations, Women for Decency and One Million Moms, to help in her quest to stop the spread of indecent material. Next week they will most likely tackle pornography by buying all the online porn they can find. That should keep them pretty busy.

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Bill Eves: Best. Obituary. Ever.

Bill Eves

Everyone loves a good obituary riddled with fart jokes!

After 76-year-old Kingston, ON resident Bill Eves passed away, his children wrote a truthful but loving obituary that has quickly become an internet hit.

Accompanied by a picture of Bill Eves looking like the human version of Grumpy Cat, the 76-year-old granddad’s obituary reads:

EVES, Bill – 1937-2014 On Saturday February the 8th Molson’s stock price fell sharply on the news of Bill Eves’ passing. Senior executives at Molson called an emergency meeting to brace for the impact of the anticipated drop in sales. As a highly regarded principal for 33 years with the separate school board he created many fond memories for staff, students and families. After his retirement he pursued some of his many hobbies including cooking, carpentry, gardening and sending daily joke emails to family and friends. Perhaps most important to Bill was educating people on the dangers of holding in your farts. Sadly, he was unable to attain his life-long goal of catching his beloved wife Judy “cutting the cheese” or “playing the bum trumpet” — which he likened to a mythical rarity like spotting Bigfoot or a unicorn. He also mastered the art of swearing while being splattered by grease cooking his famous wings. In fact, he wove tapestry of obscenities that still hangs over the Greater Kingston Area.

Before passing Bill forged a 76 year trail of laughter, generosity, compassion, and wisdom. He will be greatly missed by his wife of 50 years Judy, his children Rob (Helen), Tim (Mary-Jo), Angela (Brent), Andrew (Stacey), and his grandchildren Noah, Macy, Teagan, Ella, Claire, Lucy and Will. While his whole family is deeply saddened by Bill’s passing, there is a rumour floating around that he told some the nurses at St. Mary’s of the Lake that this was all just an elaborate plan to get out of shovelling the driveway. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

As per his wishes, a “Praise Bill Party” – a celebration of his life — will be held from 1 p.m. to 4 p.m. (Service at 1:30 p.m.) on March 22, 2014 at the Donald Gordon Conference Centre — 421 Union Street, Kingston Ontario.

Bill’s son, Rob Eves, says he wrote the obituary with his brothers and sister a few days after his dad passed away. Rob admits that writing the piece was therapeutic and his father would have wanted a unique obituary.

“Anybody who knew him if they saw a normal solemn piece, they would have said ‘That’s not Bill, there’s no way that was written by anybody who knew him.’” Rob told the National Post.

I sincerely hope someone (most likely one of my cats) writes an obituary like this for me when I pass away… maybe with fewer fart jokes though.

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Current Event Cat of the Day: Shoe Bomb Alert

Current Event Cat - Shoe Bomb

Another shoe bomb? The US Department of Homeland Security warned airlines on Wednesday that “very recent intelligence” indicates there may be a security threat to airplanes from explosives hidden in shoes.

The department told airport screeners to check passengers’ shoes for traces of explosives, citing credible threats that a shoe bomb may be used to attack commercial passenger jets entering the U.S. from abroad.

“Out of an abundance of caution, DHS regularly shares relevant information with domestic and international partners about relevant threat information as we work to meet our mission of keeping the traveling public safe,” said the DHS official, who is not authorized to comment publicly about an ongoing investigation (except for this one comment, I guess).

“These types of regular communications are part of that important priority.”

Argh. Well, I suppose I will complain slightly less now when TSA agents make me remove my shoes. Damn you Richard Reid for trying to blow up a plane with your shoe bomb! Look what you’ve started!

But shoe bombs aren’t the only things to be worried about on a flight – and I’m not talking about co-pilots hijacking planes – I’m talking about toothpaste bombs.

The shoe bomb warning is the second time in recent weeks that the US has warned of an increased threat of explosives on aircrafts.  A couple of weeks ago the US told airlines to be on the lookout for explosives hidden in toothpaste tubes on direct flights to Russia. Worried that terrorists might hide bomb-making materials in toothpaste tubes for assembly into an explosive device, the government banned on all liquids, gels and aerosols from carry-on luggage on flights between the U.S. and Russia ahead of the Olympics.

Hopefully toothpaste will never be permanently banned from flights – because that would be awfully inconvenient. Not more inconvenient than getting blown up by a toothpaste bomb, but still pretty inconvenient. I mean, airlines didn’t ban underwear after Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab attempted to bomb a Delta jet with explosives hidden in his pants, so there’s still hope for toothpaste.

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Gay is OK in the NFL… And Other News

NFL Gay OK

Turns out NFL players are more tolerant than the rest of American society.

According to a new survey from ESPN, 86% of NFL players are OK with having a gay teammate – and the other 14% have had too many concussions to even understand the question. The study, which surveyed 51 NFL players (so the margin of error is about a million…), reveals that while most players are fine with a gay teammate, 12 out of 51 wouldn’t shower around them – presumably because they’ve seen one too many prison movies. Gay NFL players (aka Michael Sam – the only openly gay player) will still face some locker room homophobia though. 32 players said they had teammates or coaches who used homophobic slurs last season, and when asked whether an openly gay player would be comfortable in a NFL locker room, just 25 players said yes. Another 21 NFL players said they wouldn’t feel comfortable and five refused to respond – which I’m going to put down as a no. ESPN

JobsIs lifting 900,000 people above the poverty line worth killing off 500,000 jobs? We’ll soon find out in this year’s election battle! Adding fuel to the fiery income inequality debate, a new report by the Congressional Budget Office says that Obama’s proposed minimum wage hike would destroy some jobs but also take people out of poverty. According to their estimations, raising the federal minimum wage from $7.25 an hour to $10.10 by 2016 would move 900,000 people above the poverty line, raise overall real income for all by $2 billion, boost earnings for some 16.5 million people, but potentially destroy 500,000 jobs. Luckily, the 500,000 marginally skilled people who will lose their jobs can easily find new employment in this booming economy. Oh wait… Politico

Russia Hockey Team EliminatedThe Russian hockey team, Putin’s prize Olympic possession, has been knocked out in the quarterfinals. The Olympics are over for Russia, everybody go home. Russia’s early elimination ended with the team getting booed off the ice following their surprising loss to Finland. After the crushing defeat, in which Russia only scored one goal, Russian Coach Zinetula Bilyaledinov told reporters to “eat me alive right now” after one journalist asked him: “What future, if any, do you see for your own work and for your coaching staff? Because, you know, your predecessor was eaten alive after the Olympics …” Well that’s kind of a weird thing to say. Meanwhile, the U.S. and Canada will face off in hockey after beating both their opponents. Toronto Star

Man in Tiger CageA Chinese man decided to sacrifice himself to a bunch of Bengal tigers after seeing how depressing their caged lives were. Yang Jinhai climbed into the Chengdu Zoo tiger enclosure in an attempt to offer his body up as dinner in order to improve the lives of the caged animals. Unfortunately, 27-year-old Yang Jinhai wasn’t the filet mignon he thought he was. The mentally disturbed (obvs) man spent 20 minutes making “exaggerated movements” while trying to tempt the tigers, but the tigers treated him like chopped liver. “I asked them to bite me and let them eat my meat, and so I did not fight back,” Jinhai told a local paper after zoo staff tranquilized the animals and rescued him. Daily Mail

Pussy WhippedPussy Riot got pussy whipped in Sochi today. While the six members of the punk rock band/left-wing organization attempted to perform in Sochi, Cossacks and other security officials moved in to attack them with horsewhips. Video footage shows the Cossacks using their weapon of choice (whips) along with what appears to be pepper spray. The incident lasted less than three minutes, but left one group member on the ground bleeding. The attack comes just a day after Russian police detained two members of the group for 10 hours for what turned out to be no reason. With all the headlines they making at the Sochi Games, I bet Putin is wishing he hadn’t pardoned them after all. BBC News

Kiev ProtestsAfter a violent week of clashes between protesters and police, Ukraine President Viktor Yanukovych has finally agreed a truce with opposition leaders. Was it the 25 deaths? The 240 injuries? The EU’s threat to adopt “targeted measures against those responsible for violence and use of excessive force”? Or President Obama’s warning that “there will be consequences” for anyone who steps over the line in Ukraine? Either way the president has agreed to start “negotiations” aimed at stabilizing the situation and ending the bloodshed. Earlier in the day, Yanukovych sacked the head of the armed forces, but what the protesters really want is for Yanukovych to sack himself. How will Yanukovych negotiate himself out of that one? Stay tuned. Chicago Tribune

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Violent Protests in Venezuela: America to Blame?

Venezuela Protests Lopez

The protests in Venezuela must be America’s fault. There’s no way they could be the result of material shortages and mounting repression, right?

Following weeks of violent demonstrations, Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro accused Washington of plotting with anti-government protesters and expelled three US diplomats in retaliation for the betrayal.

For nearly two weeks, Venezuela has been struggling with a series of anti-government protests spearheaded by angry students. Demonstrators are upset over the country’s strict Chavez era controls on currency and prices that have led to mass inflation and empty store shelves.

But Nicolas Maduro knows that the real problem isn’t Venezuela’s faltering economy, it’s American meddling. As a result, he expelled three American diplomats on charges of conspiring with demonstrators. Apparently these diplomats were recruiting college students for the demonstrations.

“I have ordered the foreign ministry to proceed with declaring those three consular officials persona non grata and expelling them from the country. Let them go conspire in Washington!Maduro said in a nationally broadcast address.

Maduro believes that America is also behind fugitive opposition leader Leopoldo Lopez. The opposition politician has been an active figure in challenging Venezuela’s socialist rulers – so much so that he was arrested on Tuesday on charges of inciting violence. Lopez, who had a warrant out for his arrest, handed himself over to police during an anti-Maduro rally he organized.

President Maduro has called Lopez a “murderer” and alleged he is being paid by the US Central Intelligence Agency to topple his government. But Maduro has no reason to be paranoid. I mean, a social “utopia” crumbling? That’s never happened before!

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Prank Gone Deadly Wrong: Arkansas Man Gunned Down Teenage Girl After Mayonnaise Prank

Arkansas

What’s with Americans these days and shooting into vehicles full of unarmed black teenagers?

Arkansas resident Willie Noble, 48, who shot at a carload of teenage pranksters, killing a 15-year-old cheerleader, is facing a slew of charges, including first degree murder, one count of a terroristic act and five counts of aggravated assault.

On Friday night, a group of Little Rock, Arkansas teenagers decided to play a prank at the home of a friend who had previously played a prank on them. Little did they know their friend’s dad was a little psycho…

The Arkansas teens threw mayonnaise, toilet paper, eggs and other debris on the car parked in Noble’s driveway.

“It was a joke. We was friends, we was gonna come over there and clean it up. It was supposed to be a prank. We were supposed to get up right now, and we were supposed to laugh,” one of the teens said.

But as they got back in their vehicle to make a speedy getaway, Willie Noble stormed of his house and allegedly fired several shots into the vehicle. Adrian Broadway, 15, was shot in the head and the 18-year-old driver of the vehicle was hit in the arm. The teens were able to escape and drove their bullet riddled car to a gas station where they immediately called the police. Broadway was then taken to Children’s Hospital, where she was pronounced dead. The driver of the car was treated for his injuries and quickly released.

Upon arrest, Noble told police he simply wanted to scare the carload of teenagers he believed vandalized his vehicle with eggs and mayonnaise. Arkansas police reported that Noble, who clearly doesn’t handle Halloween well, did not call police before or after the shooting. Who needs the police when you have your own gun?

Noble is currently being held in the Pulaski County Jail on $1 million bond after being charged with first-degree murder, five counts of aggravated assault and committing a terroristic act.

The case is eerily similar to the Michael Dunn case except that Noble is black and there was some actual property damage. But while having your car splattered with mayonnaise is slightly worse than being annoyed with loud music, I have a feeling the jury won’t be hung about this first-degree murder conviction. The stand your ground defense is kind of like bleach – it does wonders for whites, but it will ruin your coloreds.

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Current Event Cat of the Day: Hot Pockets

Current Event Cat - Hot Pockets

If you’re drunk or trailer trash, you might want to think twice about shoving the rest of that Hot Pocket into your face, because contrary to popular opinion, Hot Pockets aren’t made from the finest quality rat meat.

Two types of Hot Pockets products are being pulled from shelves for containing “diseased and unsound animals”. Yum!

Upon discovering that Rancho Feeding Corp, a California meat firm, processed nearly nine million pounds of beef from animals that had not been inspected, Nestle took a look at its supply chain and decided to recall its “Philly Steak and Cheese” and “Croissant Crust Philly Steak and Cheese” Hot Pockets. Nestle said “a small quantity of meat” from Rancho was used at a California production facility that makes Hot Pockets and now all the Pockets must go!

The US. Department of Agriculture said in a statement Tuesday that the Rancho meat company processed animals that were “diseased” or otherwise “unsound,” and that products made from the meat were “unfit for human food”.

No illnesses have been reported so far – outside of the usual Hot Pocket runs that is.

For more on Hot Pockets, see Jim Gaffigan:

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