Archive | May, 2014

Current Event Cat of the Day – Black Hawk Down: Ukraine Edition

Current Event Cat - Ukraine Helicopter Black Hawk

So much for not turning into Somalia… Rebels in eastern Ukraine shot down a government military helicopter black hawk down style Thursday amid heavy fighting in the town of Slovyansk.

Acting President Oleksandr Turchynov (until the Chocolate King takes over) said the rebels used a Russian-made anti-aircraft system to bring down the helicopter. Ukraine’s National Guards put the death toll at 12 soldiers, including one general.

Slovyansk, a city of 120,000 residents in the Donetsk region (one of the two provinces in eastern Ukraine that have unilaterally declared independence from the evil government in Kiev), has seen fierce fighting between separatists and government forces in recent weeks. And it’s not the first time the region has been some black hawk down action. Earlier this month the separatists shot down two other army helicopters, also near Slovyansk, killing a pilot and another serviceman.

Shortly after his election win, President-elect Petro Poroshenko (aka the Chocolate King) vowed to tackle the “bandits” in the east “in hours”, not months.

“The anti-terrorist operation should not last two or three months. It should last for a matter of hours,” Poroshenko said on Monday, adding: “They (pro-Russian separatists) want to preserve a bandit state which is held in place by force of arms. These are simply bandits. Nobody in any civilized state will hold negotiations with terrorists.”

He also vowed not to let eastern Ukraine turn into Somalia.

“Their goal is to turn Donbass (east Ukraine) into Somalia. I will not let anyone do this to our state and I hope that Russia will support my approach.”

Well, he better hurry up and take over office, because once you go full Somalia, it’s hard to go back. Just ask Somalia.

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Joe the Plumber: The Real Victims of the Santa Barbara Shootings Are My Guns

Joe the Plumber Pro Gun Letter

Joe the Plumber, who rose to Republican fame as a metaphor for middle-class Americans during the 2008 McCain-Palin campaign disaster, wrote a pro-gun rights open letter to the parents of the victims of Elliott Rodger’s killing spree.

Joe the Plumber’s letter came in response to grieving father Richard Martinez, who blamed his 20-year-old son’s death in the Santa Barbara, California, massacre on “craven, irresponsible politicians and the NRA.”

Joe the Plumber (who isn’t actually a plumber, but rather an American conservative activist and Tea Party darling who once expressed interest in purchasing a small plumbing business) wrote that he is really sorry that their children are dead, but that at the end of the day the real tragedy is that it might lead to restrictions on his right to bear arms. Won’t somebody PLEASE think of the guns?!?

“As harsh as this sounds — your dead kids don’t trump my Constitutional rights,” the 40-year-old “plumber” wrote.

“We still have the Right to Bear Arms and I intend to continue to speak out for that right, and against those who would restrict it — even in the face of this horrible incident by this sad and insane individual. I almost said “Obama Voter” but I’m waiting for it to be official.”

So quit your grieving, you selfish parents and think about the fate of Joe the Plumber’s guns. Sure, you may never hear your child’s laughter again, but Joe may never hear his gun go “bang bang” again – and that’s the real tragedy.

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Bad Dancer Blames Racism for Getting Kicked Off the Dance Floor

Susan-Stone-dancer

Ultra-white transsexual dancer Susan Stone says she was kicked off the dance floor at a St. Louis African Arts Festival because she is white.

Stone, who loves dancing so much that she posts online videos of herself wearing colourful costumes shaking it interpretive dance style, said an event staffer asked her to stop dancing at the African Arts Festival in St. Louis and made a racist remark.

“He tells me, ‘You can’t be doing this here; this is an African-American event, (and) you can’t be at this event (because) you’re not black,’” Stone said. “I feel angry because they’re missing out on the beauty of everything. We’re all supposed to get along together – that’s what God says.”

As for the racist remark, a man identified as a festival employee can be heard in the dancer’s video saying, “This is not the ballerina arts festival, this is not the European arts festival. It is not the Caucasian arts festival.”

The co-chairman of the event, however, said Stone was being disruptive between performances and was uncooperative when asked to stop. A crazy show-stealing woman in a tutu being disruptive? Checks out. But, the co-chairman did admit that the employee acted out of line.

“That’s something that’s unacceptable and that’s an apology from me because we want everyone to showcase their talents and their abilities,” Jason McNairy said.

Based on Stone’s previous interpretive dance/butterfly inspired performances though, I don’t think she was asked to leave because she’s white…

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A Third of Detroit Pregnancies End in Abortion… And Other News

Detroit Abortion

Detroit: come for the abortions, stay for the decaying houses.

New data shows that the abortion rate in Detroit has reached an alarming 31 per cent. A total of 5,693 of Detroit’s 18,360 pregnancies in 2012 ended in abortion, while elsewhere in the country abortion rates have flatlined or decreased. The secret to Detroit’s abortion-craze? Decreased funding for family planning and contraceptives combined with good old fashioned poverty. In fact, Detroit is so poor these days that 22 per cent of the city’s buildings are blighted. And to make matters worse, the city’s Blight Task Force says it will cost $850 million and take up to five years to remove the 84,641 Detroit properties that are in a less than desirable condition. The feds have already made $456 million available for cleanup because… well, Detroit is a little short of cash. Detroit News

Barack Obama, James Cunningham, Joseph DunfordObama makes a surprise visit to Afghanistan. And the surprise is… we’re not going anywhere! After Air Force One landed at Bagram Air Field on Sunday night, Obama addressed the troops and reassured them that “America’s war in Afghanistan will come to a responsible end” – although he left his big announcement for later. Obama did not meet with Afghan President Hamid Karzai during the surprise visit because… they hate each other. But Obama did bring along country singer Brad Paisley – presumably as some kind of torture device. Once Obama got out of the country and safely away from the exhausted soldiers, he made his big announcement from Washington: the US will keep 9,800 troops in Afghanistan after they conclude their combat mission at the end of this year. The plan is to begin a massive draw-down of troops in Afghanistan from 32,000 to 9,800 by the beginning of next year—if the Afghan government signs a bilateral security deal—and then work on a complete withdrawal for the end of 2016. But even though the troops will be sticking around a bit longer, Obama said he hopes that by the time he leaves office the longest war in American history will finally be over. CBC News

Le PenLong live xenophobia! The results of the European Parliament election revealed big some gains for anti-EU groups and far-right parties. Marine Le Pen in particular delivered a major victory for the far-right Front National party, which is both anti-immigration and anti-European Union. Marine Le Pen’s party topped the poll in the  nationwide election, with 25 per cent of the vote. Le Pen declared the results a “massive rejection of the European Union” and a massive rejection of all immigrants. Le Pen said she would use her electoral mandate to “defend France” and fight “crazy measures like votes for immigrants.” The UK Independence Party also contributed to the “political earthquake” by winning first place with 27 per cent of the vote. UKIP, who define themselves as a “libertarian, non-racist party seeking Britain’s withdrawal from the European Union” are also known for their anti-immigration stance. BBC News

Nigerian Girls MissingThe Nigerian military has found the kidnapped schoolgirls! But they can’t tell you where they are and they definitely won’t attempt a rescue. Air Marshal Alex Badeh said the government has now located the missing girls, who were kidnapped by Boko Haram six weeks ago, but they could not take the risk of using force to rescue them. “Where they are held, can we go there with force? We can’t kill our girls in the name of trying to get them back,” he said. The missing girls are believed to be somewhere in the forests of northeastern Borneo state, near Chad and Cameroon and while the military won’t risk going there with force, Nigeria’s Chief of Defence Staff said it was “good news for the parents.” If that’s his definition of good news, I’d hate to be in Nigeria on a bad news day. CNN

Euro JewIt’s tough to be a Jew in Europe these days… well not as tough as it used to be with that whole Holocaust ordeal, but it still ain’t easy being Jewish. On Saturday, a shooting at the Brussels Jewish Museum left four people dead: an Israeli couple, a museum employee, and a volunteer. The lone gunman escaped after the shooting, prompting a nationwide manhunt for the anti-Semitic attacker. Then, just a few hours later, two Jewish men were assaulted as they walked towards their synagogues in suburban Paris. A study last week showed that 74 percent of French Jews want to leave the country, with a significant portion fearing anti-Semitism. Turns out their fear is fairly warranted. CBC News

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Santa Barbara Shooter Couldn’t Figure Out Why Girls Didn’t Like Him. Perhaps It Was Because He Was A Psychopath?

Santa Barbara Shooter

Police identified the suspect responsible for Friday’s night shooting rampage at University of California, Santa Barbara as Elliot Rodgers.

The lonely 22-year-old student and son of Peter Rodgers, the Hunger Games assistant director, went on a shooting spree in Santa Barbara Friday leaving seven people dead, including himself. Rodgers reportedly first stabbed to death his three roommates, killed two women and injured one at a sorority house, and then fired at random people before taking his own life. In addition to the seven deaths, 13 people were injured in the spree.

Why? Because he couldn’t get laid.

Prior to the Santa Barbara shooting the 22-year-old virgin posted eight videos on YouTube detailing his anger, frustrations, and plans for retribution.

I don’t know why you girls haven’t been attracted to me, but I will punish you, for it is an injustice,” he said adding “I’ll take great pleasure in slaughtering all of you.”

And in case you didn’t get the picture, he also wrote a 137-page rant called “My Twisted World: The Story of Elliot Rodger.”

Choice exerts of the narcissistic emo dribble include:

“All I ever wanted was to fit in and live a happy life amongst humanity, but I was cast out and rejected, forced to endure an existence of loneliness and insignificance, all because the females of the human species were incapable of seeing the value in me.”

“If only one pretty girl had shown some form of attraction to me, the Day of Retribution would never happen. I’d never even consider it.”

“‘How dare those girls give their love and sex to those other men and not me, I constantly think when I see young couples,” wrote Rodger. “There is nowhere in the world I can go anymore.”

“The females of the human species have never wanted to mate with me, so how could I possibly consider myself part of humanity? Humanity has never accepted me among them, and now I know why. I am more than human. I am superior to them all. I am Elliot Rodger … Magnificent, glorious, supreme, eminent … Divine!”

Why was I condemned to live a life of misery and worthlessness while other men were able to experience the pleasures of sex and love with women?”

Umm… it might be because of your mental issues… but that’s just a guess.

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What’s New with Tara the Hero Cat?

Hero cat Tara with the help of her owner Triantafilo and team staff member Henry "tosses" the first pitch in Bakersfield

Tara, the cat who saved a small boy from a vicious dog attack, is living it up celebrity style, while the cat’s arch-nemesis, Scrappy, has been euthanized.

Tara the cat rose to fame after a security video recorded her throwing herself headfirst into a dog that was twice her size in order to save her owner’s 4-year-old son.

After saving 4-year-old Jeremy Triantafilo’s leg from further gnawing and being hailed a dog-tackling hero, Tara the cat was given the honor of “throwing” the ceremonial first pitch in a minor league baseball game in Bakersfield, California. Despite being an international YouTube sensation, Tara is still just a cat… so she only managed to throw the ball (which was attached to a piece of string) a few feet.

Still, Tara’s “dad,” Roger Triantafilo, seemed pretty impressed, telling a scrum of media: “She did everything I thought she would. She stayed calm throughout.”

Meanwhile, Scrappy, the eight-month-old Labrador-Chow mix, has been put down at Bakersfield animal shelter. After he was filmed attacking his young neighbour, Scrappy was given 10 days to prove himself. Unfortunaetly (for Scrappy) he continued to display aggressive traits during his 10-day assessment, biting a few of the animal shelter employees. He was subsequently destroyed. RIP Scrappy.

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Current Event Cat of the Day: The Chocolate King

Current EVent Cat - Chocolate King

All hail the Chocolate King! While the rest of Europe took the ultra right-wing xenophobic route, Ukraine turned to chocolate, electing the billionaire candymaker Petro Poroshenkohas.

Ukraine’s Chocolate King-turned-politician Petro Poroshenko won Ukraine’s presidential elections with 54 percent of the vote, eliminating the need for a run-off vote. The 48-year-old billionaire and former foreign minister, was formally declared the winner on Monday and wasted no time in promising to negotiate an end to a pro-Russia insurgency in the east and saying he was willing to begin talks with Moscow. If anyone can sweet talk Putin, it’s the Chocolate King!

But things aren’t going as smoothly as the Chocolate King would like. During the elections, armed separatists in the eastern regions took over polling stations, blocking some citizens from casting their ballots. And then after the election… trouble continued with bloody clashes in the eastern city of Donetsk. At least 30 pro-Russia separatists were reportedly killed after a failed attempt to take over the airport early on Monday.

“The airport is under our full control. The enemy suffered heavy losses. We have none.” Ukraine’s Interior Minister Arsen Avakov said in a statement.

So far, Poroshenkohas has taken a no-nonsense approach with the pro-Russian troublemakers.

There are no talks with terrorists,” said the centrist pro-Western tycoon.

“Their goal is to turn Donbass (east Ukraine) into Somalia. I will not let anyone do this to our state and I hope that Russia will support my approach.”

Vowing not to let Ukraine turn into Somalia, the go-to example of a failed state? Don’t set your goals too low Chocolate King…

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Crocodile vs. Portly Accountant… And Other News

Crocodile vs Accountant

Performing crocodile ‘injured by portly accountant’ in Russian circus accident! You can’t make headlines like that up.

A crocodile for the Soviet Circus was injured Tuesday after the company’s 260-pound accountant fell on it. Apparently the winner of the crocodile vs. portly accountant fight was the portly accountant. After the circus’ bus hit a pothole, the accountant fell on top of the Fedya, a two-meter long crocodile who was sleeping peacefully on a blanket. Fedya was feared for dead but after a three-hour vomiting session, he appeared to be doing better. The accountant only suffered minor injuries and was issued a reprimand for not wearing a seatbelt… and probably for eating too much. Independent 

Rob Ford EscaladeEven when he’s locked up in “rehab”, Toronto mayor Rob Ford still finds a way to use up police resources. Ford’s black Cadillac SUV was seized on Tuesday after Bracebridge police pulled over a 36-year-old woman and arrested her for drunk driving – at 2:30 in the afternoon. The police released a statement saying Lee Anne McRobb of Muskoka Lakes Township was the “lone occupant was found to be impaired by alcohol.” A source at the rehab facility where Ford is receiving treatment told CBC News that McRobb had previously been a patient there, but was discharged in the past five or six days. The two have since become Facebook friends. Still no word on why she was driving Rob Ford’s car, but you know Ford’s at a top-notch rehab facility when their discharged patients wind up in the drunk tank. CBC News

Thailand Coup CrazyOk… so it’s definitely a coup now. After declaring martial law on Tuesday, Thailand’s army denied they were staging a coup d’etat. How can it be a coup if the caretaker government remained in charge? Well, things have escalated a bit since Tuesday. Following months of political turmoil, the Thai military has officially announced it has taken control of the country and suspended the constitution, making it the 19th real or attempted coup since the monarchy fell in 1932. Army General Prayuth Chan-Ocha went on television to announce he’s taken over as prime minister, and to make him extra popular, he also imposed a 22:00 to 05:00 curfew, along with a ban on political gatherings and suspension of normal television programming. BBC News

911 Memorial RestaurantA 9/11 restaurant is leaving a bad taste in New Yorkers’ mouths – and it’s not because the food sucks. The Pavilion Cafe, run by Danny Meyer’s Union Square Events, is set to open in the summer in the National September 11 Memorial & Museum. The menu is expected to offer “an array of local, seasonal fare in a relaxing and comfortable environment.” The restaurant insists they’re not opening for commercial reasons but rather to “create a thoughtful experience and bring our hospitality [to the museum and visitors].” The museum’s hospitality was on display Tuesday night when a VIP dinner was held for wealthy donors to the museum. The VIPs partied near the “remains depository,” where 8,000 unidentified body parts are stored, leaving victim’s families a little peeved. “To have a festive occasion on human remains, it’s repulsive, it’s repugnant,” said construction worker John Feal, a Ground Zero volunteer and activist for 9/11 first responders. NY Post

Moose at TimsIn ultra Canadian news, a northern Ontario man found a baby moose on the side of the highway and did what any red-blooded Canadian would do and brought it to Tim Hortons. “She still had the umbilical cord and was still wet when I found her,” Stephan Michel Desgroseillers. “The wolves would have got to her.” After stopping to share a Tim Hortons coffee and some timbits with the baby moose, Desgroseillers eventually took the 25-pound baby moose to the Wild at Heart Animal Shelter where he is currently being cared for. Canoe

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Current Event Cat of the Day: Boko Haram Havoc

Current EVent Cat - Boko Haram

Nigerian President Goodluck Jonathan is in desperate need of good luck these days because Boko Haram is wreaking some serious havoc on his country.

On Tuesday twin car bombs exploded in a market in the central Nigerian city of Jos, killing at least 118 people. More bodies may be uncovered once the rubble from the targeted building (a crowded market and a hospital) is cleared away.

Goodluck Jonathan said those behind the terrorist attack were “cruel and evil”.

Cruel and evil, you say? All signs point to Boko Haram, the Islamist group who kidnapped nearly 300 schoolgirls last month.

But a double bombing wasn’t enough for Boko Haram. The next day the militant Islamists attacked another village in north-eastern Nigeria, killing more than 25 people and burning nearly all the homes to the ground. Two other villages were raided earlier this week in north-east Nigeria, killing 27 people.

Yeah, Goodluck Jonathan really needs some good luck. Maybe he should try killing an albino and using their body parts as good luck charms? And if that doesn’t work, maybe sending in 80 US Marines will.

President Obama announced on Wednesday that he is deploying 80 Marines to Chad to look for nearly 300 missing Nigerian girls who were kidnapped by Boko Haram.

“These personnel will support the operation of intelligence, surveillance, and reconnaissance aircraft for missions over northern Nigeria and the surrounding area,” Obama said.

“The force will remain in Chad until its support in resolving the kidnapping situation is no longer required.”

Well, 80 troops will probably do more than a hashtag, and will certainly do more than the Nigerian government.

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Remind Me Never to Get Arrested in Chicago…

Chicago Cops Beat Salon Owner

A 32-year-old Chicago woman filed a federal lawsuit last week accusing local police officers of committing a hate crime by spewing out racially charged comments while raiding her tanning salon last year.

Filmed by a security camera during a Chicago Police vice raid at the Copper Tan and Spa last summer, the video shows a Chicago police officer hit a handcuffed, kneeling woman in the head. The footage also contains audio of another Chicago cop screaming at 32-year-old Jianqing “Jessica” Klyzek and refusing to believe her when she tells him she is a U.S. citizen.

“You’re not f*cking American,” one officer can be heard yelling. “I’ll put you in a UPS box and send you back to wherever the f*ck you came from.”

“I’m a citizen, OK?” Klyzek says.

“No you’re not,” he responds. “No, you’re not a citizen. No, you’re not! No, you’re not! You’re here on our borrowed time. So mind your f*cking business before I shut this whole f*cking place down. And I’ll take this place and then whoever owns it will f*cking kill you because they don’t care about you, OK? I’ll take this building. You’ll be dead and your family will be dead.”

At one point, an officer can be heard asking to use his Taser on the 110 pound, 5-foot-2 Klyzek — a naturalized U.S. citizen who emigrated from China.

“Can I just Tase her? F*ck it. I can Tase her 10 f*cking times.”

Klyzek, admittedly an uncooperative arrestee, was subsequently charged with aggravated battery for allegedly scratching and biting the officers who arrested her. The charges were eventually thrown out but now it’s Klyzek’s time to shine. Klyzek sued the cops and the city, accusing the officers of a hate crime, excessive force and attempting a cover-up by framing her. Results are pending… but judge for yourself:

According to a police report, the initial raid was prompted when an undercover officer was allegedly offered a sex act by a masseuse in a back room. Well, after the incident I’m pretty sure the salon won’t be offering cops sexual pleasures anymore – so problem solved! Good work Chicago PD!

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