Archive | June, 2014

North Korea Threatens War Over Seth Rogan Movie

North Korea The Interview

Once again, North Korea has promised “merciless” retaliation over something trivial – or as the rest of the world calls it: just another Thursday.

In what may be the best viral marketing campaign ever, North Korea has threatened war if an upcoming Hollywood movie starring Seth Rogan and James Franco is released.

Surprisingly the threat of war does not come from poor casting choices. Instead, North Korea is upset over the action-comedy’s plot, which centers around killing Kim Jong-un. The film, titled The Interview, is about two talk show hosts who are invited to interview Kim Jong-un, and are subsequently recruited by the CIA to assassinate the North Korean leader. Although the movie won’t be out until October, the teaser trailer shows a lookalike actor playing Kim Jong-un as well as a bunch of action scenes set in Pyongyang.

Kim Jong-un was not impressed.

“Making and releasing a movie on a plot to hurt our top-level leadership is the most blatant act of terrorism and war and will absolutely not be tolerated,” a North Korean spokesman raged.

“If the US administration allows and defends the showing of the film, a merciless counter-measure will be taken.”

Well, clearly no one in North Korea has seen Team America: World Police, starring a lonely Kim Jong-il puppet – or all those episodes of 30 Rock, featuring Kim Jong-il as “the greatest waiter of all time” and Kim Jong-il as the greatest weatherman of all time.

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Hillary & Joe: The Poorest 2016 Presidential Contenders Yet

Joe Biden Hillary

Not to be outdone by Hillary Clinton’s statement that she and Bill left the White House “dead broke” and “struggled” to pay mortgages on two multi-million-dollar houses, Joe Biden announced he’s so poor he doesn’t even have a savings account.

Last week Hillary caused a seizure over at Fox News when she commented that she and Bill Clinton were “dead broke” after leaving the White House. While it’s true that the Clintons were in debt when they left the White House ( mostly because of legal bills), since leaving they’ve more than $100 million thanks to speeches and book deals.

Republicans quickly pounced on the remarks, claiming Hillary doesn’t understand the working man’s struggle.

“I think she’s been out of touch with average people for a long time,” said Republican National Committee chairman Reince Priebus. “Whether she was flat broke or not is not the issue. It’s tone deaf to average people.”

Not wanting to be labeled the next Mitt Romney, Hillary quickly backpedaled on her comments.

“Let me just clarify that I fully appreciate how hard life is for so many Americans today,” she said in a Tuesday interview with Good Morning America. “It’s an issue that I’ve worked on and cared about my entire adult life. Bill and I were obviously blessed, we worked hard for everything we got in our lives and we have continued to work hard.”

But no one works harder than Joe Biden at appearing like the Avergage Joe. Trying to strike up a folksy connection to his audience at the White House Working Families Summit, Vice President Joe Biden reminded people that even though he’s wearing a “mildy expensive suit” now, he used to be the poorest member in Congress.

“Don’t hold it against me that I don’t own a single stock or bond,” Biden said. “I have no savings account but I got a great pension and I got a good salary. For real.”

For real? Well, not really. Biden’s financial disclosure for the year 2013, which was filed last month, shows that he has both a savings account and 11 different investment funds. Still, the vice president’s not “Hillary Clinton rich”. His reported net worth of less than $800,000 is far less than many of his colleagues in Congress and he was the poorest senator when he joined the Obama ticket in 2008. Lesson learned: You can’t out-everyman Joe Biden!

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American Exchange Student Gets Trapped in Giant Vagina Statue

Trapped in Giant Vagina Statue

More than 20 firefighters stepped in to rescue a U.S. student trapped inside giant vagina statue in Germany.

So many questions: How did he get in? Why is there a giant vagina statue on a University campus? Will he be charged with statutory rape?

On Friday afternoon, a young American exchange student in Tübingen, Germany climbed into a 32-ton vagina statue as part of a dare. Before he knew it, he found himself trapped in a giant stone vagina surrounded by 20 firefighters, five fire engines, a number of paramedics and a bunch of gawking of students holding camera phones.

The firefighters had to deliver the American student (head-first, of course) to safety after his feet became trapped in the large marble sculpture. Police confirmed the rescue was successfully undertaken “by hand and without the use of equipment”. Ahh, the old pull-out method.

The “born again” student was unharmed by the incident but will forever be known as that foreign kid who got stuck in a stone vulva thanks to some camera ready friends who snapped a few incriminating pictures.

“The fire department was not really amused, and he was really embarrassed,” one witness said after he uploaded some pictures of his red-faced pal on Reddit.

The Chacán-Pi (Making Love) artwork by the Peruvian artist Fernando de la Jara is meant to signify “the gateway to the world”. But in the 13 years the statue has sat outside the university’s institute for microbiology and virology, never once has someone become trapped inside the giant vulva – until last Friday. And that was when the Tübingen Unversity began to reconsider its American exchange program

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Japan (Finally) Bans Child Porn Possession

Japan Bans Child Porn

Japan has banned possession of child pornography… wait, child porn was legal in Japan?!?

Becoming one of the last developed countries to do so, Japan finally took the plunge and banned the possession of child sex-abuse images.

The upper house of parliament overwhelmingly voted in favour of revising the current laws (under which only the production and distribution of child pornography were banned) to include possession. The new law states that anyone found with child porn images can be jailed for up to a year or fined up to $10,000.

But because it’s Japan and they love their weird sexualized cartoons, the law excludes the depiction of sexual acts with children in “manga” comic books, anime, and video games. Despite the calls for the uber-sexualized manga imagery to be included in the new law, there was strong resistance from manga artists and publishers, who believed such a ban would violate their right to free speech.

So drawings of wide-eyed children engaged in extremely explicit sexual activities are fine, possession of actual wide-eyed slit-eyed children engaged in extremely explicit sexual activities only became illegal this week, but normal porn between two consenting adults is still required to be pixelated in Japan. Makes sense…. in Japan?

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Washington Redskins: Too Offensive for the U.S. Patent Office

Redskins

The U.S. Patent and Trademark Office canceled the Washington Redskins’ trademark registration, finding the football team’s name “disparaging” to Native Americans.

The case was filed on behalf of five Native Americans who argued the trademarked team name was offensive. The patent board agreed.

“We decide, based on the evidence properly before us, that these registrations must be cancelled because they were disparaging to Native Americans at the respective times they were registered,” the board said.

And this isn’t the first time the board has tried to ban the Redskin name. In 1992, the board tried to remove the team’s trademark protections, ruling that the trademarks were disparaging, but a federal court overturned it on a technicality.

The latest ruling applies to six trademarks – all containing the word Redskin – associated with the Washington DC National Football League (NFL) team. But the decision only affects the right to register the trademarks – it won’t stop the team from continuing to use the Redskins name. However, it will make it much more difficult for the team to sue somebody for using the name and logos. So basically anyone could go around selling Redskins merchandise.

Despite the latest decision and the many, many calls for the team’s name to be changed, owner Daniel Snyder has refused, saying it honours Native Americans – much like a team named the Newark N*ggers would honour African Americans and the San Francisco Fags would honour the LGBT community. In fact, Daniel Snyder is so in tune with the Native American community that he founded a charity to benefit Native Americans, called the Washington Redskins Original Americans Foundation (not to be confused with the Ching-Chong Ding-Dong Foundation for Sensitivity to Orientals or Whatever).

But despite Snyder’s insistence that Native Americans are totally fine with the racial slur, there’s been growing pressure to change the team’s name – even by President Obama himself. So basically it’s only a matter of time before they throw in the towel and just rename the team. And because white guilt is infectious, the Cleveland Indians might want to start putting together a brainstorming session to come up with a new team name too. May I suggest the Cleveland Native Americans Forced onto Reservations and into Poverty by the US Government? Go NAFRPUSGs!!!! 

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Iraq: Back in the News! (Not in a Good Way)

ISIS Mosul Iraq

Eleven years, thousands of lives, and $1.7 trillion later, Iraq is… still a hot mess.

Iraq is quickly spiraling out of government control and into the hands of insurgents who are snatching up cities, robbing banks, and attacking oil refineries left, right, and center.

But who are these insurgents making a mockery of US nation-building? None other than the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS), an al-Qaeda offshoot whose goal is to create a hardline Islamic state crossing over the borders of Syria and Iraq.

The group has already taken control of Iraq’s second city Mosul, and is advancing on the capital, Baghdad. Iraq’s speaker of parliament Osama Nujaifi said the insurgents controlled all key institutions in Mosul, including the airport and prisons.

“Everything is fallen. It’s a crisis,” he admitted. “Having these terrorist groups control a city in the heart of Iraq threatens not only Iraq but the entire region.”

But capturing Mosul wasn’t enough for ISIS, who joins Boko Haram on the short list of groups that even al-Qaeda condemns. Continuing their sweep through Iraq, the Islamic ISIS militants launched an attack on Iraq’s biggest oil refinery north of Baghdad. The Beiji refinery produces roughly a quarter of Iraq’s oil output – and a threat to oil is a big threat indeed. Time to call in the big guns!

Iraq has formally called on the United States to launch air strikes against the militants.

“We have a request from the Iraqi government for air power,” confirmed top US military commander Gen Martin Dempsey.

White House spokesman Jay Carney said the president would “continue to consult with his national security team in the days to come.”

While President Barack Obama is mulling over what to do about the latest crisis in Iraq, Senate leader Harry Reid has already made it clear that he does not “support in any way” getting American troops involved in the Iraqi “civil war”.

Sigh… it’s times like these when America may begin to doubt trading tyranny for absolute chaos. Where’s Saddam Hussein when you need him? Oh yeah… the execution.

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Current Event Cat of the Day: Not So Friendly Fire

Not so Friendly Fire

Five Americans troops were accidentally killed by an airstrike in southern Afghanistan in one of the worst friendly fire cases involving United States and coalition troops since the start of the nearly 14-year war.

The not so friendly fire incident took place on Monday night in Zabul province, where Afghan troops were conducting security operations. When the group was attacked by enemy forces, they called for air support. Instead they got ambushed by a different kind of enemy – Nato forces. The Nato aircraft accidentally struck the location of the U.S. soldiers, killing five of them and at least one Afghan soldier.

“Tragically, there is the possibility that fratricide may have been involved. The incident is under investigation,” a statement from international forces in Kabul said.

While friendly fire incidents are not as few and far between as they should be, Monday’s case is among the most serious in Afghanistan, where Nato-led troops have been battling Taliban and other various insurgents since 2001.

Since the war began, there have been more than a dozen instances of airstrikes or friendly fires on allies and fellow coalition troops.  One of the worst friendly fire incidents came in April 2002 when four Canadian soldiers were killed by an American F-16 jet fighter which decided to drop a bomb on a group of troops during a night firing exercise in Kandahar. But the Americans have had their fair share of casualties too – perhaps the most famous resulting in the death of NFL player Pat Tillman in 2004.

Still, five in one strike is quite a lot – the U.S. must be pretty upset.

“Five American troops were killed yesterday during a security operation in southern Afghanistan. Investigators are looking into the likelihood that friendly fire was the cause. Our thoughts and prayers are with the families of these fallen,” Pentagon spokesman Rear Adm. John Kirby said.

As for the Afghan casualty? Meh.

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Assad: Amnesty for Some! And Other News

Assad Amnesty

Less than a week after winning another 7 year term in Syria’s “democratic election”, Bashar al-Assad declared a general amnesty for all prisoners within the country.

Syria’s pro-government Al Ikhbariya television station announced Assad would commute some death sentences to life imprisonment, reduce jail terms for many offences and cancel some others altogether. The decree would also give foreigners who entered the country “to join a terrorist group or perpetrate a terrorist act” an amnesty option if they surrendered to authorities within a month. Kidnappers who free their hostages and army deserters would also be covered by the decree. Of course, Assad also insisted the Syrian government had no idea how those chemical weapons wound up in a Damascus suburb… so who knows if he’ll stand by his decree. As for the tens of thousands of jailed opposition supporters, there’s been no word yet on whether or not the amnesty will apply to them – but they probably shouldn’t hold their breath… unless they’re being water boarded in prison. Reuters

Oldest ManThe world’s oldest man is no longer. Alexander Imich, the oldest known man on earth, died at the age of 111 Sunday in his Manhattan home. Born February 4, 1903, Imich came to the U.S. after fleeing a Nazi invasion of his native Poland. The retired chemist and parapsychologist lived on New York’s Upper West Side until his death and attributed his long life to never drinking alcohol and a healthy dose of swimming and gymnastics. Guinness is now investigating the claim that 111-year-old Sakari Momoi of Japan is the new world’s oldest man. But neither come close to the world’s oldest woman – 116-year-old Misao Okawa of Japan. Well, they actually came pretty close. Fox News

bergdahl swapObama is sticking by his swap! Speaking at a press conference in Brussels Thursday, President Obama strongly defended his decision to swap five members of the Taliban for Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl. A national controversy has erupted over whether or not Obama paid too high a price, but according to the president, “no man left behind” trumps “we do not negotiate with terrorists”. “We saw an opportunity and we seized it and I make no apologies for that,” Obama said. “It would have been offensive and incomprehensible to consciously leave an American behind — no matter what,” John Kerry, a Vietnam War veteran, told CNN. As for the 28-year-old former captive, he’s not doing so hot. He is reportedly suffering from disorders affecting his skin after surviving five years of harsh treatment at the hands of his Taliban captors. Word on the street (the New York Times…) says the Taliban kept him in a metal cage in the dark for weeks after he tried to escape. He is also struggling with emotional issues and has yet to contact his parents. And to make matters worse (for Bergdahl), the soldier’s former comrades have charged he was captured by the Taliban in 2009 after deserting his post – an accusation that conservative Republicans and crazed pundits have pounced on. An alleged traitor coming back to America in exchange for FIVE dangerous terrorists?!? Maybe he would be better off back in the Taliban’s metal cage… Raw Story

Thailand HappinessThere’s nothing like putting a positive spin on a military coup! The military junta that seized power in Thailand last month isn’t ready to relinquish power but they are ready to boost national levels of happiness. The army has launched an official campaign that involves free concerts, food, female dancers, and horses for petting (?) in order to “return happiness” to the country after a decade of political upheaval. And what better way to usher in a new wave of happiness than with a happiness song. The song, Return Happiness to Thailand, features such reassuring lyrics as “we offer to take care and protect you with our hearts” and “give us a little more time”. The lovely ballad was penned by the army chief himself, General Prayut Chan-O-Cha and has been viewed more than 200,000 times on YouTube, making the song far more popular with the Bangkok crowd than the General himself. Raw Story

Las Vegas ShootingShootings, shootings, shootings! A few days after 26-year-old Aaron Ybarra gave in to his “fascination with mass shootings” by shooting up Seattle Pacific University, three people, including two police officers, were killed in a Las Vegas shooting spree. The violence began at a Las Vegas pizza restaurant and ended at a nearby Walmart, where the two alleged gunmen—a married couple believed to be in their twenties—killed a woman in the store and then committed suicide. Witnesses told police the shooters said: “This is a revolution” during their attack. As for the motive, there appears to be a white-supremacy connection to the attacks. Investigators reportedly found white-supremacist and swastika-laden paraphernalia in the couple’s apartment and according to neighbors the couple had a reputation for spouting racist, anti-government views. Strangely enough, the two officers killed in the attack were white. BBC News

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Got an Immigrant Problem? Just Dump Them at a Bus Stop!

Migrants, consisting of mostly women and children, disembark from a U.S. ICE bus at a Greyhound bus station in Phoenix

Hundreds of undocumented migrants nabbed by the border patrol in Texas have been flown to Arizona and dumped at Greyhound Bus stations in Tucson and Phoenix in the last month. Well, that’s one way to solve temporarily fix ignore America’s immigration problem…

Texas is quickly replacing Arizona as the busiest sector for illegal border crossings but the Lone Star state doesn’t have the resources to deal with the recent immigrant influx.

“Because of the recent surge of Central Americans, unaccompanied juveniles, and family groups in south Texas, the border patrol is running out of processing space,” says Andy Adame, a Border Patrol spokesman.

Solution? Drop ‘em off at a bus stop and let Arizona deal with the problem.

Since Arizona has been illegal immigrant central for the past few years, “the government expended a lot of resources to this area to include detention facilities or processing facilities,” adds Adame.

Critics of the Arizona bus stop drops accuse the federal government of releasing immigrants into the wild without providing enough basic necessities such as food and water on days that hover around 100 degrees F.

In a letter to President Obama, Arizona governor Jan Brewer called the situation “another disturbing example of a deliberate failure to enforce border security policies and repair a broken immigration system.”

Bob Dain, a spokesman for the American Federation for Immigration Reform, agrees.

“Things have gotten out of hand, Congress needs to step up to the plate and compel this president to start enforcing the law,” he said, blasting the Obama administration. “Otherwise you’ve got more and more surges of people coming in, overwhelming the system, and we’ve got a bureaucratic inability to process them.”

Despite having more resources than Texas, Arizona is having a tough time handling the immigrant influx, which has been partially fueled by a rumor running through Central America that parents with children would be allowed to stay in the United States indefinitely. Over the weekend, at least 1,000 unaccompanied children, mainly from Central America, who crossed illegally into the United States through Texas were taken to an overrun makeshift emergency shelter in Arizona. I guess the only solution is… a bus stop in New Mexico?

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Pay-To-Pee Program Leaves Multiple Children with Wet Pants

Pee Pants Potty

A third grade teacher in Vancouver, Washington instituted a new bathroom policy in which students must pay to pee. Not surprising, multiple children wet themselves.

Under the new pee policy, third grade students at Mill Plain Elementary could earn fictional money by doing their homework or being nice to others. The play money could later be used to buy things like popcorn, small toys, pointless crap or a bathroom pass.

Like most 8-year-olds would, the children decided their money was better spent on treats than trips to the bathroom. The result? Wet pants.

For some reason, after the first kid wet themselves, the teacher didn’t think “hmm, maybe this pee policy was a bad idea…” and the program continued. The result? Another pair of wet pants.

The two soaking wet students, both girls, told their parents they wet their pants because they hadn’t accumulated enough pretend classroom money to pay for privilege. Cue parental outrage.

“I’m so angry!” one parent told KATU.com, explaining that her daughter wanted to buy popcorn like her friends, and was told she couldn’t use the bathroom if she didn’t want to pay. “When a child has to pay money to use the bathroom…It’s inhumane. That’s a health issue. This is a school. This isn’t a jail. This isn’t a prison. We send our kids to school to learn and to get a good education.”

“What kid is going to spend money to go to the bathroom?” another parent vented. “No child should have to pay to use the restroom. Are you kidding me? That’s absolutely insane.”

The pretend money was designed to teach students about the value of money, but with the alarming high imaginary price of $50 for toilet time, the only lesson is taught students was to hold it in or fight for your right to potty.

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