Archive | September, 2014

Teen Faces Jail Time for Oral Sex with Jesus

oral sex jesus statue

A Pennsylvania teen is facing two years in juvenile detention after he simulated oral sex with a statue of Jesus and uploaded pictures on Facebook.

The troublemaking teen straddled the Son of God figure outside the “Love in the Name of Christ” Christian organization’s Everett, Pennsylvania headquarters while his friend took pictures of him humping the Jesus statue’s face.

While the number of times teens have been caught humping inanimate objects as a practical joke has got to be in the thousands billions, this 14-year-old boy’s “statue-tory” rape prank caused such an uproar in the small town that the police whipped out the seldom-invoked 1972 Pennsylvania law which criminalizes “defacing, damaging, polluting, or otherwise physically mistreating in a way that the actor knows will outrage the sensibilities of persons likely to observe or discover the action.”

Once the pictures went viral, officials in Bedford County charged the teen with desecration of a venerated object. The criminal charge will be heard in family court later this month. And, if convicted, the teen could apparently face up to two years in juvenile jail.

Yes, in Pennsylvania you can be arrested for molesting inanimate objects while clergy get away with molesting children.

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Current Event Cat of the Day: Al Qaeda Feels Left Out

 al Qaeda Cat

With all eyes on ISIS, al Qaeda is feeling left out of the terrorism game.

In response to a U.S. assessment that the original Islamic terrorist organization is in decline, al Qaeda issued a defiant online message Sunday, dismissing the U.S. State Department’s annual terrorism report as “lies”.

In its annual terrorism report published in April, the U.S. State Department said:

“As a result of both ongoing worldwide efforts against the organization and senior leadership losses, AQ core’s leadership has been degraded, limiting its ability to conduct attacks and direct its followers.”

While the report notes that the group has expanded horizontally, with global affiliates grabbing territory and harassing Western-backed governments in Somalia, Algeria and Yemen, al Qaeda was not impressed with U.S. trying to downplay their presence.

“Whatever slip-ups or errors (regional branches)…may have committed are limited in number in the midst of mountains of good deeds and successes,” said Hossam Abdul Raouf, an Egyptian veteran of the militant group, adding that the organization was expanding across the world.

“How then can al Qaeda have shrunken greatly and lost many of its senior leaders at a time when it is expanding horizontally and opening new fronts dependent on it?” Raouf asked.

Noticeably absent from Raouf’s statement was any mention of the ultra-hardline Islamic State group, it’s archrival for the leadership of global jihad. Counter-terrorism experts say the aging al Qaeda leadership is struggling to compete with ISIS for young recruits.

ISIS, who broke away from al Qaeda in 2013 over its expansion into Syria, has everything young recruits are looking for in a terrorist organization: publicized beheadings of western journalists (and now aid workers), mass executions of innocent civilians, crucifixions, stonings, burying victims alive, ethnic cleansing – the works! Al Qaeda just can’t compete with this level of savagery.

Luckily for al Qaeda, thirty countries have pledged to help Iraq fight Islamic State (IS) militants “by all means necessary”. Even the Arab countries are pitching in! Following a conference in Paris to discuss strategy on how to combat the jihadists, several Arab nations have offered to carry out air strikes against the group in Iraq and Syria. And a few days before, ten Arab countries issued a communiqué with the U.S. endorsing efforts to “destroy” ISIS.

So don’t worry, al Qaeda. You’ll have your title as the world’s worst terrorist organization back soon enough. Unless Boko Haram has anything to do with it…

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Breaking News: Football May Cause Brain Damage… And Other News

Football Brain Damage

According to data prepared for use in a lawsuit against the National Football League brought by retired players and their families, nearly three in 10 former NFL players will face moderate to severe neurocognitive problems resulting from concussions.

Only 30%? Not bad! The data suggests that retired players are at twice the risk of developing Alzheimer’s disease, moderate dementia, Lou Gehrig’s disease (ALS), and Parkinson’s disease than the general population between ages 20 and 60. But it’s not all bad news for the athletes. These semi-brain dead retired professional football players may qualify for payments under the proposed $765 million concussion settlement – if it’s approved. ESPN

Football LimbaughSpeaking of football and brain damage, Rush Limbaugh had some choice words to say about the game. In response to NFL broadcaster James Brown’s commentary Thursday night challenging “the NFL community and all men” to do something about domestic violence, the conversative radio show host complained that NFL executives and sports journalists are “chickifying” football. Go on Rush… “This is crazy. We’re feminizing this game, and it’s a man’s game, ” Limbaugh said. “If we keep feminizing this game, we’re going to ruin it. Keep chickifying this game, we’re going to ruin it. It’s going to become something it was never intended to be. And so many men now, executives in the league and sports drive-bys are in a race to see who can be the most politically correct feminist guy. It’s comical to watch this.” So… knocking women unconscious in elevators somehow makes football more manly? Raw Story

Russia Sanctions BankBecause sanctions have always worked so well against Russia in the past, the Obama administration and their European allies announced even more sanctions against the Motherland for its intervention in Ukraine. This time the US Treasury and European Union are going after the country’s largest bank, Sberbank. Along with the big banks, oil producers and defence companies will also be cut off from international finance and technology under the new sanctions. “The United States, in close cooperation with the European Union, will impose ever-increasing sanctions that further Russia’s isolation from the global financial system unless Russia abandons its current path and genuinely works toward a negotiated diplomatic resolution to the crisis,” said Under Secretary for Terrorism and Financial Intelligence David S. Cohen. Whether the latest sanctions will stop Russian President Vladimir Putin from backing pro-Russian separatists in Ukraine is another question entirely – to which the answer is no. The Guardian

Killer LaneNice try T.J. Lane. Actually, terrible try T.J. Lane. T.J. Lane, the teen who killed three students during an attack at Chardon High School in Ohio two years ago, was caught about 100 yards from the Ohio prison fence he had scaled to escape just hours earlier. The school shooter, who was sentenced to life without parole last year, escaped from the Allen Correctional Institution on Thursday with two other inmates. Authorities quickly launched a search in woods and a residential area near the prison. Lane was found early Friday in a wooded area close to the prison and is back in custody while prison authorities contemplate moving him to a maximum security prison. Considering he wore a T-shirt with “killer” written on it and made obscene gestures toward the victims’ families at his sentencing, I’m not sure why he was placed in a minimum security facility to begin with… Reuters

Malala YousafzaiBetter late than never! Pakistani authorities have arrested the Taliban militants who shot Malala Yousafzai in 2012. Gen Asim Bajwa said 10 members of a faction called “Shura”, which the army says is part of the Pakistani Taliban, had been arrested in a joint operation with Pakistan’s army, police and intelligence services. The Pakistani teenage activist, who was targeted by the group because of her campaign for women’s rights and equal education for girls, survived the gunshot wound to the head after being airlifted to the U.K. for treatment. Now 17, Malala is based in Britain – mainly because she can’t return home to Pakistan because of Taliban threats to kill her and her family members. Ahhh, to be a teenager again. BBC News

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Oscar Pistorius Found Guilty of Manslaughter, Jail Time TBD

OScar Pistorius Boogers

The judge who cleared Oscar Pistorius of murder charges yesterday found him guilty of manslaughter, or culpable homicide as they call it in South Africa, in the shooting death of his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp.

In her ruling, Judge Thokozile Masipa said that Pistorius was negligent when he fired several shots into that locked toilet room, but ultimately the state had failed to prove he intended to kill.

“A reasonable person, with a similar disability, would have foreseen that the person behind the door would be killed, and the accused failed to take action to avoid this,” the judge declared.

So while Pistorius acted “negligently” when he shot his girlfriend through a toilet door, the judge believed he really thought there was an intruder inside. Cut to Ray Rice kicking himself for not coming up with that excuse first – “I totally thought my fiancée was an elevator intruder!”

Judge Masipa also granted Pistorius bail after the conviction so now he’s free to roam the countryside until his sentencing on October 13. The athlete could receive up to 15 years in prison or he could just get a small slap on the wrist, pay a fine, and avoid jail entirely – in which case we can all congratulate South Africa on their first O.J Simpson.

As for Reeva Steenkamp’s family, they were less than pleased with the verdict, telling reporters of their “disbelief” that the court had believed Pistorius’s version of events.

“This verdict is not justice for Reeva,” June Steenkamp said. “I just want the truth. He shot through the door and I can’t believe that they believe it was an accident.”

And neither can anyone else…

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Current Event Cat of the Day: Rob Ford Quits Mayoral Race

Current Event Cat - Ford Quits Mayoral Race

Torontonians will no longer have to struggle with the decision of whether Ford more years of terrible leadership is worth Ford more years of hilarious crack stories. Toronto’s crack-smoking mayor Rob Ford has officially withdrawn his name from the Toronto mayoral race – but surprisingly not because of his alcoholism and crack use.

In light of the pseudo-mayor’s recent health problems, Ford’s campaign pulled a surprise move on Friday just before the 2 p.m. candidate deadline and submitted paperwork to take his name off the ballot for the Oct. 27 vote.

But that’s not the end of the Fords. Rob Ford’s brother, Councillor Doug Ford, is replacing him in the Toronto mayoral race. Essentially, Toronto is now facing it’s worst possible nightmare: a healthier, more sober, more aggressive Ford running for mayor. But luckily, Doug doesn’t have the same kind of “star quality” or cult following that his brother did. Back in May, a Forum Research poll suggested that Doug Ford would fare considerably worse in the mayoral race than his brother, who was polling in second place, behind John Tory but ahead of Olivia Chow, when stomach pain sent him to the hospital Wednesday.

As for the fate of Rob Ford, the crack-addict is currently holed up in Mt. Sinai Hospital with what doctors are calling an abdominal tumour.

Doug Ford told the Toronto Sun that the mayor could be facing “a surgery and chemotherapy and could be on his back for six to eight weeks” and his brother “is in for the fight of his life.”

And unlike the fight for the mayoral seat, this is one fight where crack use and drunken stupors won’t improve your chances of success.

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Abortions for All in Missouri! Pending a 72 Hour Wait… And Other News

Missouri Abortion Wait

Need an abortion in a hurry? Don’t count on one in Missouri.

Conservative lawmakers in Missouri have increased the state’s required waiting period for getting an abortion from one day to three days – no exceptions, not even for rape or incest. The Republican-controlled legislature overrode Democratic Gov. Jay Nixon’s veto to enact a 72-hour delay. The governor denounced the measure as “extreme and disrespectful” toward women. About half the states already have abortion waiting periods of 24 hours. Once Missouri’s new requirement takes effect, the state will be the second most-stringent behind South Dakota, where the waiting period does not count weekends or holidays. I would imagine most women have already thought long and hard about their decision by the time they get to the clinic, so I’m not sure what an extra 48 hours of soul-searching will accomplish. Maybe just some undue hardship? According to Planned Parenthood, which operates Missouri’s only licensed abortion clinic in St. Louis, its patients travel an average of nearly 100 miles for an abortion, so the extra delay could force them to either make two trips or spend additional money on hotels. ABC News

Catholic PregSpeaking of not doing things the “Catholic way”, a Detroit-area teacher says she was fired from her post at a private Catholic all-girls high school after she and her lesbian partner announced they were expecting a child through non-traditional means. After she was canned, the teacher posted on Facebook that she had been forced from her job after she become pregnant “outside the Catholic way.” The school has not publicly commented on her termination, but apparently they have a morality clause that states teachers “will not publicly engage in actions, or endorse actions or beliefs contrary to the teachings and standards of the Roman Catholic faith and morality.” So teachers of the Detroit, please stick to getting pregnant “the Catholic way”: no birth control, millions of unintended pregnancies, quick spreading STDs, pedophilia welcome, and pregnancy through rape is fine. HuffPo

Dogs Rabies ChinaGoodbye rabies, hello thousands of dog corpses! Authorities in China have killed almost 5,000 dogs after rabies was blamed for the death of five people. Four people died in June and one in July, and multiple dog bites were reported. As a result, municipal authorities in Baoshan, in the southwestern province of Yunnan, killed 4,900 dogs and vaccinated 100,000 more as part of its anti-rabies campaign. Mass dog killings are nothing new in China. The Chinese government often orders stray dogs to be culled in order to prevent outbreaks of rabies. In 2009, officials in the northern city of Hanzhong reportedly killed 37,000 in an effort to rein in the rabies. CNN

Terri-Jean BedfordA sex scandal has hit the Canadian Snooze-fest Senate! A former sex worker who is challenging Canada’s prostitution laws was kicked out of a Senate hearing after she threatened to name politicians who hire prostitutes. Terri-Jean Bedford, the stunning dominatrix who won a Supreme Court battle to overturn Canada’s prostitution laws, engaged in some disorderly conduct during the hearing. Bedford was expelled after she argued and interrupted another senator, became increasingly combative, and tried to go over her allotted time. How rude! But before the self-proclaimed “most famous dominatrix in Canada” was kicked out, she threatened to expose politicians who supposedly avail themselves of the world’s oldest profession. “If this law passes I’m going to make you guys forget about Mike Duffy, because I’ve got more information and more proof on politicians in this country than you can shake a stick at, I promise,” she said. I wonder if Rob Ford is on that list? Toronto Star

Sick FordSpeaking of Rob Ford, how’s that guy doing? Not too well apparently. The Toronto mayor was admitted to the hospital Wednesday after doctors found what they believe to be a tumour in his abdomen. “Examination and investigation has resulted in a working diagnosis of a tumor,” according to a statement from Humber River Hospital on Wednesday. “The mayor has been admitted to allow for further investigation to obtain a definitive diagnosis.” No word yet on what impact the tumour will have on his rampant alcoholism and crack-addiction, but there is already speculation on what it will do to his mayoral campaign, which (for some reason) has seen a resurgence in recent polls. If his health deteriorates, Ford may be forced to withdraw his name from the Oct. 27 mayoralty ballot… or even worse, his brother Coun. Doug Ford may be tempted to take his place. Noooooo!! CBC News

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And the Teacher of the Year Award Goes to…

Bad Teacher

It’s a tie! Between the sixth-grade teacher who made students draw a Venn diagram comparing George W. Bush and Adolf Hitler and the elementary school teacher in Utah who accidentally shot herself in the leg while in a restroom at the school.

A sixth-grade teacher at a Washington, D.C., middle school is in trouble after telling students to make comparisons between former president George W. Bush and Adolf Hitler for a class project, stating that “both men abused their powers.” Now, I’m no George Bush fan club member, but Hitler’s a pretty rough comparison – and comparing the two is a bit of a heavy assignment for 12 year-olds.

Screenshot 2014-09-11 13.48.32

Turns out several parents felt the same way.

“I think trying to compare Adolf Hitler to an America president is just not right,” one parent said. “I didn’t agree with Mr. Bush or his policies, but that was over the line.”

Bush HitlerIn a written statement, D.C. Public Schools said that the teacher acknowledged poor judgment and will apologize to students. Sadly, no one will get to see what the young 12-year-old minds came up with… they both enjoy painting?

Next up: A Utah elementary school teacher who accidentally shot herself in the leg when her concealed weapon discharged in a faculty bathroom. The teacher at Westbrook Elementary School was severely injured when the bullet entered and exited her leg. She was rushed to a hospital where she is now in good condition.

The teacher was a concealed-carry permit holder, and school district policy her allowed to have a gun on campus. Apparently Utah is among the few states that allow people with concealed weapons permits to carry guns in public schools. According to state law, schools must allow teachers with permits to carry firearms, because if there was ever a place where a loaded gun was needed, it’s an elementary school in Utah.

Okay, this teacher (and the entire state of Utah) win this competition hands down. Actually, better to keep your hands up, the elementary school teachers are packing.

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Oscar Pistorius Found NOT Guilty!?

Oscar Pistorius Not Guilty

“Blade Runner” Oscar Pistorius was found not guilty of the murder of girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp Thursday after a South African judge dismissed the most serious charges against him.

Judge Thokozile Masipa made the announcement in a hushed courtroom Thursday as she summed up the evidence presented to the court. The judge said prosecutors had not proved Oscar meant to kill his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp but said he acted hastily, had been negligent and a reasonable person would not have fired. No kidding.

“The state clearly has not proved beyond reasonable doubt that the accused is guilty of premeditated murder,” Thokozile Masipa said.

“Viewed in its totality the evidence failed to establish that the accused had the requisite intention to kill the deceased let alone with premeditation.”

Judge Masipa, clearly a fan of courtroom dramas, knew just how to leave the crowd hanging. After dismissing the murder charge, the judge abruptly adjourned for the day, leaving it to Friday to announce whether the athlete is guilty of culpable homicide. But word on the street is that Judge Masipa appears to be leaning towards the lesser charge of manslaughter, known in South Africa as culpable homicide, so Pistorius won’t likely get off scot-free.

The South African Olympic and Paralympic sprinter has long denied murdering his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day last year, saying he mistook her for an intruder and shot her through the bathroom door by mistake. Obviously in South Africa intruders break in and lock themselves into a bathroom all the time, so it makes sense to grab a gun and start shooting before checking to see if your girlfriend got up to take a leak.

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Current Event Cat of the Day: War on ISIS

Current Event Cat - ISIS Airstrikes

Watch out ISIS, eleven years, thousands of lives, and $1.7 trillion later, we’re going back in! But to a lesser extent…

In his address to the nation, President Obama outlined a multi-phase plan for combating IS (the militants formerly known as ISIS), saying the country would lead a “broad coalition to roll back this terrorist threat.”

The multi-phase plan can be summed up as follows:

Phase One: Airstrikes galore

Phase Two: Train the Iraqi military (for a while)

Phase Three: Deal with Syria

But the President was quick to stress that the U.S. efforts against Islamic State will not, I repeat NOT, escalate to a full-blown war. While he admitted airstrikes alone would not defeat IS, Obama said, “the boots on the ground have to be Iraqi.”

“I want the American people to understand how this effort will be different from the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan,” he said. While the U.S. will send 475 service members to Iraq, they will “not have a combat mission,” but rather, provide intelligence, training, and equipment.

“We will not be dragged into another ground war,” said Obama. “We cannot do for Iraqis what they must do for themselves.”

Judging from the current state of the Iraqi military, this war will be going on for a while…

Luckily this time around, the U.S has a few allies (and more evidence to support their claim that ISIS is evil than they had to support the theory that Saddam Hussein was stockpiling WMDs). Already, France has agreed to support airstrikes and ten Arab states, including Saudi Arabia, have agreed to rally with the US in tackling the threat posed by the jihadists.

So far the U.S. has conducted more than 150 airstrikes in Iraq in an effort to halt IS’s advances and they aren’t afraid to head into Syria. While the U.S has refrained from seeking the help of Syrian President/Dictator Bashar al-Assad in the fight against Islamic State, Obama made it clear in his speech that the U.S. “will not hesitate” to go into Syria if need be.

“If you threaten America, you will find no safe haven,” Obama said.

As for congressional approval, Obama isn’t too worried. Although the President said he has the “authority to address the threat” posed by ISIS, he “welcomes congressional support to show the world that Americans are united in confronting this danger.” Obama has also asked Congress to allocate $5 billion for counterrorism funding, which may end up being a bigger fight than the one against IS in Iraq.

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Mom Jailed For Giving Teen Abortion Pill

Abortion Pill Crime Scene

A Pennsylvania woman has been sentenced to up to 18 months in prison for obtaining European abortion pills online and providing them to her teenage daughter who wanted to end her pregnancy.

Jennifer Ann Whalen, 39, pleaded guilty to violating a Pennsylvania state law that abortions must be performed by a physician. The single mother and nursing home aide claimed she did not have insurance to cover a hospital abortion and the closest clinic was 74 miles away in Harrisburg. So she turned to the next best thing: miscarriage-inducing pills from an online site in Europe.

The only problem with ordering medicine online is… well, it’s pretty dangerous. Whalen’s 16-year-old daughter ended up experiencing severe cramping and bleeding after taking the pills. Two weeks after administering the abortion pills, Whalen rushed her daughter to the Geisinger Medical Center where she was treated for an “incomplete abortion and a urinary tract infection”. After doctors figured out her self-prescribed abortion plan, the authorities were alerted and two years later, the single mother was officially charged with brewing Pennsylvania state law.

Whalen was sentenced on Friday to 9-18 months in prison for providing her daughter with a DIY abortion. In addition to her jail sentence, Whalen will also be forced to pay a fine of $1,000 and perform 40 hours of community service.

While Whalen undoubtedly put her daughter in danger by ordering medicine online instead of seeing a physician for a “proper abortion”, the case highlights what pro-choicers have been saying all along: legislation passed to restrict a woman’s right to terminate her pregnancy disproportionately impacts poorer, rural women. Turns out the Republicans’ plans to close down clinics and place restrictions on abortions may be leading people to back alley abortions … or, in this case, sketchy European websites.

There seems to be only one solution – and it doesn’t involve providing access to safe, legal abortions and affordable health insurance to cover the cost. Next time a woman experiences severe cramping and bleeding from pills purchased online, she should just avoid the hospital and bleed out in bed. Problem solved, no jail time involved.

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