9/11 Is A Sound Bite That Resonates With The NSA… And Other News

9/11 defense NSA

If there’s one thing Americans can thank the terrorists who crashed into the Twin Towers for, it’s the use of the word 9/11.

9/11 is the best defense ever! Why did you invade Iraq? 9/11. Why did you pass the Patriot Act? 9/11. Why are you torturing those prisoners? 9/11. Why is defense spending 250% of our GDP? 9/11. Why did Dick Cheney shoot an old man in the face? 9/11. And now it’s being used as a defense for NSA surveillance. According to a memo obtained by Al Jazeera America, the NSA instructed its officials to shout “9/11!!!” whenever they had to justify their love of spying. Under the subheading “Sound Bites That Resonate,” the memo suggests using the following phrase to justify their eavesdropping: “I much prefer to be here today explaining these programs, than explaining another 9/11 event that we were not able to prevent.” Pretty good – but they can probably simplify it a bit by saying “9/11.” Al Jazeera

Square CrashThe Tiananmen Square car crash has been ruled a “premeditated, violent, terrorist attack”. Five people were arrested following an investigation into Tuesday’s attack in which an SUV drove into a crowd near the entrance of the Forbidden City. The car burst into flames and five people were killed – but three were suicide terrorists so that’s okay. The driver of the car, an ethnic Uighur named Usman Hasan, was accompanied by his wife and mother-in-law. Wait a minute… this doesn’t sound like a terrorist attack… this sounds like a convenient way to get rid of your mother-in-law. But police believe the attack was carefully planned and they found knives, iron rods, gasoline and a flag imprinted with religious slogans inside the burnt SUV. Ok, now it sounds more like a terrorist attack. CBC News

Evil ClownThis post brought to you by your worst nightmare: a child-abusing clown. A Milwaukee man, dressed as a clown, drunkenly held a child over a railroad overpass. After returning home from a Halloween party at 1a.m., Antonio Brown, asked his girlfriend’s two children, aged 13 and 8, to go on a walk with him. Lesson #1: never accept an invite from a drunken clown. Then Brown the Clown forced them to drink and dragged them into the woods. When they tried to escape, Brown picked up the older child and hung him by his feet over the railroad overpass while yelling, “If you do that again, I’m going to drop you.” Lesson #2: never try to escape from a drunken clown. Luckily a passerby saw the children crying, called the cops, and Brown was arrested and charged with two counts of physical abuse of a child and two counts of second-degree recklessly endangering safety. Gawker

WIneThis can’t be good… According to a report from Morgan Stanley Research, the world faces a global wine shortage. Consumer demand is already exceeding supply by 300 million cases a year. There are 1 million wine producers globally, making 2.8 billion cases each year – but that’s not enough. We need more wine! And who’s to blame for the global wine shortage? The Chinese! Wine is becoming increasingly more popular in China as their economy continues to grow. So next time you’re out binge drinking and you can’t seem to find enough wine, punch an Asian. And a European too, because apparently Europe’s wine production dropped 10% in 2012. CNN

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