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Nigeria’s Boko Haram Pledges Allegiance to ISIS

Boko Haram ISIS

In the worst merger since Comcast-Time Warner, Boko Haram has pledged allegiance to ISIS, according to an audio message purported to be from the Nigerian terrorist group’s leader, Abubakar Shekau.

The audio message, which has not been officially verified, was posted on Boko Haram’s Twitter account on Saturday. The speaker says Boko Haram is announcing its “allegiance to the Caliph of the Muslims, Ibrahim ibn Awad ibn Ibrahim al-Husseini al-Qurashi,” (another name for ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi) and calls on “Muslims everywhere to pledge allegiance to the caliph.”

Well, I can’t say this is a complete surprise; the two groups have a lot in common.

One is a terrorist organization that began a military campaign in 2009 to impose Islamic rule and ban western-style education in northern Nigeria. The other is a terrorist organization that took control of large territories in eastern Syria and northern Iraq last year with the goal of establishing a state ruled by a single political and religious leader according to Islamic law.

One enjoys kidnapping schoolchildren and setting off suicide bombs in busy markets. The other prefers beheading foreign aid workers and performing mass killings and abductions of members of religious and ethnic minorities.

They’ll have lots to talk about!

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Tigers Are Up, Gorillas Are Down

Gorilla Tigers

After conducting numerous government campaigns to save the tiger, wild tigers in India appear to be making a comeback in the battle against extinction. Meanwhile, Ebola is wiping out chimps and gorillas left, right, and center.

India says it now has almost a third more tigers than it did four years ago, citing a number of government initiatives to streamline tiger conservation as the reason behind the increase.

“Our latest estimate today is that India has 70% of the world’s tiger population and we have now 2,226 tigers presently in 47 tiger reserves [up from 1,706 in 2011] and this is a great achievement. It is a net increase of 30% over the last estimation,” Environment Minister Prakash Javadekar said in a statement Monday.

Javadekar said India was willing to donate tiger cubs to the international community and play a key role in global tiger conservation, asserting that tiger conservation practices that had proved successful in India could be adopted elsewhere.

Great job India! Now if only they could put this much effort into reducing their number of rape cases…

But for every uplifting animal story, there’s another one that will bring you back down.

Turns out the Ebola virus is not just a threat to residents of Dallas, but is also wiping out chimps and gorillas. Current estimates suggest a third of the world’s gorillas and chimpanzees have died from Ebola since the 1990s. The virus has no known cure and is as deadly for great apes as it is for humans, with mortality rates as high as 95% for gorillas and 77% for chimpanzees.

Fortunately the solution is straightforward: vaccination. The only catch? There are only experimental vaccinations available and medical research on apes is typically banned or highly restricted because of their cognitive similarity to humans. Apparently vaccinating an endangered species with an untested vaccine isn’t “ethical”. Plus, getting gorillas to wait patiently in a doctor’s office would prove “too difficult”.

But it’s great news about those tigers, eh?

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Boko Haram Takes A Break From Kidnapping Girls To Blow Up 47 Boys

Boys School Nigeria Bombing

At least 47 students have been killed by a suicide bomber during a school assembly at Government Comprehensive Senior Science Secondary School, a boys’ science and technical school in the north-eastern Nigerian town of Potiskum.

Police say terrorist group Boko Haram is believed to be responsible for the attack, which was reportedly carried out by a suicide bomber disguised in a school uniform. Well, it’s nice to see they’ve taken a short break from kidnapping schoolgirls and selling them as child brides, but this isn’t much better.

The explosion ripped through the assembly hall at the Government Science Secondary School.

“The students had gathered for the morning assembly when something exploded in their midst with a thunderous sound at exactly 7:50 a.m.,” a teacher at the school told the BBC.

Witnesses report seeing mutilated bodies of students at the scene. A local resident described “a mass of abandoned footwear and blood,” AFP reported. Parents were seen wailing at the sight of their children’s bodies at the hospital.

Boko Haram, who is clearly trying to outdo ISIS in terms of evilness, has been known to target schools during their deadly five-year insurgency aimed at establishing an Islamic state. The terrorist group is against any form of Western education, believing girls should not attend school at all and boys should only receive an Islamic education. Makes sense. The more education these children receive, the less likely they’ll agree that murdering a bunch of kids in the name of religion who are too young to even fully understand religion is a reasonable and well-thought out plan.

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Boko Haram Agrees to ‘Bring Our Girls Back’…. Then Abducts 60 More

Boko Haram Girls

Time to rev up those hashtags! Shortly after a ceasefire was announced with Boko Haram, the terrorist group abducted 60 more women and girls.

Two weeks ago, Nigeria briefly celebrated the announcement that the 200 schoolgirls kidnapped by Boko Haram would be freed, but the parents of the missing girls (along with the rest of Nigeria) remained skeptical. Especially after Boko Haram breached the ceasefire, killing dozens of people in five attacks over the weekend…

“We were jubilating. We had every reason to be happy,” said Lawan Abana, one of the parents of the missing girls. “But since then the ceasefire has been broken in quite a number of places already.”

“Can we trust him that he can deliver on this promise of releasing the girls when he has not delivered on the promise of the ceasefire?,” Abana asked, referring to Danladi Ahmadu, a previously unknown man who calls himself the secretary general of Boko Haram.

Turns out the parents had good reason to be skeptical of government claims of a truce with the Islamist militant group Boko Haram. Now sixty more women and girls have been kidnapped from two towns in north-east Nigeria. Residents in the town of Wagga said that suspected Islamist gunmen had gone door-to-door looking for young women and girls and abducted 40 of them. Witnesses in nearby Gwarta also reported a kidnapping involving another 20 female victims.

Lazarus Baushe, an elder of the Wagga community, said: “They left 1,500 naira (£5.67) and some kola nuts in each home where they seized a woman, apparently as a bride price.”

But on a more positive note, Ebola is now the least of Nigeria’s problems.

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Five Years Isn’t Enough for Murder?

Pistorius Appeal Five Year

Not according to South Africa’s prosecutors. The lawyers will appeal the verdict and sentence of Oscar Pistorius, who received a five-year prison term for culpable homicide last week.

Prior to the sentencing, prosecutors had called for a minimum 10-year term, and the defence had argued for community service and house arrest. Judge Thokozile Masipa ultimately decided that five years in jail was plenty for killing girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp. And, to add insult to injury, under the terms of the sentence, Pistorius may be released into house arrest after 10 months.

“A non-custodial sentence would send the wrong message to the community. On the other hand, a long sentence would also not be appropriate either, as it would lack the element of mercy,” the judge declared.

The element of mercy? You mean what was missing from Oscar Pistorius’ brain when he repeatedly shot his girlfriend through the bathroom door?

Although Reeva Steenkamp’s parents say that have “already forgiven a long time ago” and are “satisfied by the sentence”, the prosecutors are not. A spokesman for the National Prosecuting Authority, said the organization “will be appealing both the conviction and sentence.”

 “The appeal on conviction is based on the question of law,” NPA spokesperson Nathi Mncube said in a statement.

“The merits and the demerits of the NPA’s argument in this regard will become evident when we file papers for leave to appeal.”

I don’t know, eligible for house arrest after 10 months in prison seems like a pretty sweet deal to me. They might want to just leave it at that…

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Current Event Cat of the Day: Dallas Ebola Patient Dies

Current Event Cat - Hazmat Ebola

Texas Health Presbyterian announced on Wednesday that Thomas Eric Duncan, the first person to be diagnosed with Ebola within the United States, has died.

Duncan, who caught the virus in his native Liberia while helping an infected, pregnant neighbor get to the hospital, was being kept in isolation in a Dallas hospital and receiving experimental drugs – which clearly didn’t work. The 42-year-old, who was visiting Texas to marry his baby mama, is the first of five patients treated for Ebola in the U.S. to have succumbed to the disease.

Now that the deadly virus has hit U.S. soil, it’s time to get serious. The Department of Homeland Security has ordered agents at airports and other ports to put in place new screenings for Ebola for passengers from West Africa, including taking temperatures of passengers. Beginning next week, passengers at Washington Dulles International, Kennedy Airport, O’Hare International, Hartsfield-Jackson International and Newark Liberty International will be screened and questioned by airport authorities.

While officials in the U.S. are making sure Ebola infected bodies stay out, workers in Sierra Leone are threatening to pile them up. Burial workers in charge of putting the bodies of Ebola victims in the ground have gone on strike, claiming they have not been given hazard pay by the government.

“We cannot bury them because we are risking our lives and those in charge are depriving us of our money,” one team member said.

Another declared that, “We don’t even care if dead bodies litter all over the city. All we want is our money. We have been stigmatized in our communities, so let the government try to pay us our money.”

So now there are Ebola corpses rotting in the sun? That can’t be good…

The CDC estimates that worldwide, nearly 3,500 people have died from the virus. The Sierra Leone strike could make the outbreak even worse as dead bodies begin to pile up. Maybe this is a job for the 4,000 U.S. troops Obama pledged to send over?

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Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe’s Wife Awarded PhD… After Being Enrolled for Two Months

Grace Mugabe

The first lady of Zimbabwe, Grace Mugabe, is not known for her academic intellect, but “somehow” she managed to graduate with a PhD from the University of Zimbabwe.

President Robert Mugabe, who just happens to be chancellor of the University of Zimbabwe, capped his wife last week and awarded her a PhD in sociology. Her thesis, according to the state-owned Herald newspaper, was on the changing social structure and functions of the family.

Grace Mugabe, who is best known for getting knocked up with the president’s child while his first wife, Sally, lay bedridden due to a kidney ailment, can now add doctor to her growing CV, which also includes a dairy business, building a school, and keeping the world economy afloat by going on ridiculous shopping sprees.

News of the first lady’s graduation has come as a surprise to many Zimbaweans, mainly because she was only reported to have enrolled two months ago. Plus, past reports in Zimbabwe said the 49-year-old first lady had dropped out of a correspondence course at the University of London after failing most of the exams with marks as low as 7%.

But according to Grace, she had to work hard for her degree. It seems Grace Mugabe may be just as delusional as her husband, who recently claimed the reason he is not invited to Western summits is because Barack Obama is “afraid of him”. It couldn’t be because of all those human rights abuses, right?

Although, to be fair to Grace, it probably does take a lot of hard work to keep Robert Mugabe’s 90-year-old dick erect. So congrats on your latest accomplishment, Grace! Although, you probably could have just gone to India, paid $50 and gotten the degree in half the time. Plus, you wouldn’t have had to marry a crazed genocidal dictator. But everything is 20/20 in hindsight…

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Oscar Pistorius Found Guilty of Manslaughter, Jail Time TBD

OScar Pistorius Boogers

The judge who cleared Oscar Pistorius of murder charges yesterday found him guilty of manslaughter, or culpable homicide as they call it in South Africa, in the shooting death of his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp.

In her ruling, Judge Thokozile Masipa said that Pistorius was negligent when he fired several shots into that locked toilet room, but ultimately the state had failed to prove he intended to kill.

“A reasonable person, with a similar disability, would have foreseen that the person behind the door would be killed, and the accused failed to take action to avoid this,” the judge declared.

So while Pistorius acted “negligently” when he shot his girlfriend through a toilet door, the judge believed he really thought there was an intruder inside. Cut to Ray Rice kicking himself for not coming up with that excuse first – “I totally thought my fiancée was an elevator intruder!”

Judge Masipa also granted Pistorius bail after the conviction so now he’s free to roam the countryside until his sentencing on October 13. The athlete could receive up to 15 years in prison or he could just get a small slap on the wrist, pay a fine, and avoid jail entirely – in which case we can all congratulate South Africa on their first O.J Simpson.

As for Reeva Steenkamp’s family, they were less than pleased with the verdict, telling reporters of their “disbelief” that the court had believed Pistorius’s version of events.

“This verdict is not justice for Reeva,” June Steenkamp said. “I just want the truth. He shot through the door and I can’t believe that they believe it was an accident.”

And neither can anyone else…

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Oscar Pistorius Found NOT Guilty!?

Oscar Pistorius Not Guilty

“Blade Runner” Oscar Pistorius was found not guilty of the murder of girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp Thursday after a South African judge dismissed the most serious charges against him.

Judge Thokozile Masipa made the announcement in a hushed courtroom Thursday as she summed up the evidence presented to the court. The judge said prosecutors had not proved Oscar meant to kill his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp but said he acted hastily, had been negligent and a reasonable person would not have fired. No kidding.

“The state clearly has not proved beyond reasonable doubt that the accused is guilty of premeditated murder,” Thokozile Masipa said.

“Viewed in its totality the evidence failed to establish that the accused had the requisite intention to kill the deceased let alone with premeditation.”

Judge Masipa, clearly a fan of courtroom dramas, knew just how to leave the crowd hanging. After dismissing the murder charge, the judge abruptly adjourned for the day, leaving it to Friday to announce whether the athlete is guilty of culpable homicide. But word on the street is that Judge Masipa appears to be leaning towards the lesser charge of manslaughter, known in South Africa as culpable homicide, so Pistorius won’t likely get off scot-free.

The South African Olympic and Paralympic sprinter has long denied murdering his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day last year, saying he mistook her for an intruder and shot her through the bathroom door by mistake. Obviously in South Africa intruders break in and lock themselves into a bathroom all the time, so it makes sense to grab a gun and start shooting before checking to see if your girlfriend got up to take a leak.

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The Ebola Virus is Out to Get Donald Trump

Donald Trump Ebola

As the Ebola virus continues to terrorize West Africa, Donald Trump is trying to make sure it stays far, far away from him and his precious combover.

In a series of tweets, Donald Trump let it be known that Americans infected with Ebola should be kept out of their own country because the US has bigger problems to worry about – like how to rid themselves of Donald Trump.

Screenshot 2014-08-05 12.21.45

Trump said doctors who treat Ebola patients “are great,” but shouldn’t be allowed to seek treatment back home if they get sick.

Screenshot 2014-08-05 12.22.12

Trump’s latest outburst came after humanitarian Dr. Kent Brantly, the American humanitarian stricken with ebola in Africa, was transported to Atlanta to receive specialized treatment. His assistant, missionary Nancy Writebol, who also contracted the disease while working with patients suffering from Ebola, was also returned to the US shortly after.  Both Americans received an experimental serum that appears to be helping them survive the extremely lethal virus, which has a fatality rate as high as 90 percent.

On the one hand, if there’s one thing Americans can agree on, it’s that Donald Trump is probably much worse than the Ebola virus. And yet for some reason he is allowed in the country – so why not a few Ebola infected doctors?

But on the other hand, maybe we should hear him out this time. After all, Donald Trump probably knows a thing or two about contagious diseases stemming from infected animals –he’s been wearing a dead possum on his head for decades.

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