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Probably Not a Good Idea to Tweet a Terrorist Threat to an Airline…

American Airlines Dutch Tweet

A 14-year-old Twitter obsessed tween is learning the hard way that threatening a major airline on social media may not be the best idea.

On Sunday morning, 14-year-old “Sarah” from the Netherlands addressed a tweet to the US-based airline implying she was an al Qaeda operative planning an attack.

AA Tweet 2

Well that sounds pretty legit…. but American Airlines wasn’t taking any chances and wrote back:

AA Tweet Response

At this point Sarah freaked out and quickly backtracked, saying she was simply a 14-year-old white girl who made the whole thing up.

Tweets More

“I’m just a fangirl pls I don’t have evil thoughts and plus I’m a white girl,” she tweeted.

Well, if she’s a white girl she can’t possibly be a terrorist! Case closed. But just to play it safe, Sarah let everyone know that she blocked the FBI from her Twitter account. That should do the trick!

Meanwhile, over at the FBI headquarters….

FBI Agent 1: “Did you complete surveillance on that airline bomb threat?”

FBI Agent 2: “I tried sir, but she blocked us on Twitter! There’s nothing we can do.”

FBI Agent 1: “Damn. We’ll have to add her on Facebook now…”

I guess the Facebook strategy worked because on Monday the Dutch teen was arrested in Rotterdam and questioned by the police.

“We’re not in a state that we can communicate any state of charges at this point,” a Dutch police spokesperson said. “We just thought it was necessary to bring this out mostly because of the fact that it caused a great deal of interest on the Internet.”

But in the end it was all worth it because Sarah achieved what other 14-year-old girls only dream of: thousands of Twitter followers!

“Omg I got over 10k rts for that tweet omg” Sarah tweeted.

“Over 20k followers yay”

Yay! Her criminal record (and underwear) may be permanently stained, but she’ll always have her Twitter followers – until it Twitter suspends her account… which they already did.

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Stephen Colbert is Taking Over the Late Show (Without David Letterman)

Colbert and Letterman

Looks like #Cancel Colbert ended up working after all! Thanks Suey Park

Yes, it’s a very sad day for the Colbert Nation. Following longtime host David Letterman’s retirement announcement, CBS has officially named Comedy Central’s Stephen Colbert as the new host of the Late Show.

The satirical late-night host, whose contract with Comedy Central is up at the end of 2014, has reportedly signed a five-year deal with CBS.

“Simply being a guest on David Letterman’s show has been a highlight of my career,” Stephen Colbert said in a statement. “I never dreamed that I would follow in his footsteps, though everyone in late night follows Dave’s lead. I’m thrilled and grateful that CBS chose me. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go grind a gap in my front teeth.”

But what about the Colbert Report? It’s still unknown whether Colbert will continue the widely popular Colbert Report or whether he will incorporate his character – the over the top right-wing host, modeled after Papa Bear Bill O-Reilly – into segments of the Late Show. What does Colbert even look like out of character? Liberal and thoughtful, I suppose. I don’t know about this…

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TV Pitchman Kevin Trudeau Gets 10 Years For Fat Cure Fraud

Kevin Trudeau The Cure

U.S. TV pitchman Kevin Trudeau, who was convicted last year of criminal contempt for exaggerating the contents of his weight-loss book in infomercials, was sentenced on Monday to 10 years in prison.

In 2004 the notorious TV huckster was ordered to stop making misleading infomercials and misrepresenting his book, The Weight Loss Cure “They” Don’t Want You to Know About. But instead of stopping, Kevin Trudeau did the opposite, airing the infomercial more than 32,000 times and selling 850,000 copies of his book.

During the infomercials, Trudeau told viewers that the “cure” to obesity was not a diet and did not require exercise. So what’s the secret cure “they” don’t want you to know? Gastric bypass surgery? Hydroxycut? Hypnosis?

No, it turns out it is diet and exercise – well, not so much diet as starvation. When viewers bought the book, hoping to find some kind of miracle cure, it instructed them to walk an hour each day and to limit intake to 500 calories.

Prosecutors said Trudeau’s trickery resulted in over $37 million in losses to consumers and pushed for a 10 year sentence, arguing Trudeau was motivated by simple greed.

Kevin Trudeau tried to pull his old TV pitch in court, claiming he “truly had a significant reawakening” and had “absolutely learned a life-changing lesson from all of this.” Trudeau even insisted he’s meditated, prayed and read self-help books while locked up at Chicago’s Metropolitan Correctional Center.

“If I ever do an infomercial again … I promise: No embellishments, no puffery, no lies,” he pleaded.

But Judge Ronald Guzman wasn’t having any of it.

“Since his twenties, he has steadfastly attempted to cheat others for his own gain,” Guzman said, acknowledging the 50-year-old Trudeau as a habitual fraudster with decades of fraud under his belt, including using his own mother’s Social Security number to con people.

He is deceitful to the very core, and that type of conduct simply cannot stand,” Guzman continued, adding that Trudeau had thumbed his nose at the justice system by violating multiple court orders since the 1990s.

10 years may seem like a long time to spend in prison for swindling consumers out of $30, but at least it will give him the time he needs to work on his next book: Prison Escape Plans “They” Don’t Want You To Know About.

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Oregon Attack Cat Goes To Pet Therapy

Lux Gets Pet Therapy

Lux, the 22 pound cat who terrorized a Portland family, is getting the help that he needs via pet therapy.

Lux the Cat became an overnight sensation after he attacked his owners’ baby and trapped the entire family in their bedroom, forcing them to call 911.

The Palmer family baby pulled on the Lux’s tail prompting the angry cat to scratch the infant on the forehead. Fair enough. But instead of punishing the baby (who clearly started it), Lee Palmer went the other way and kicked the cat “in the rear” to protect his child. At this point Lux lost it and “just went off over the edge”. Palmer, his girlfriend, the baby, and the family dog were forced to barricade themselves in the bedroom for safety. After getting no answer at animal control, the couple called 911 and told the operator that Lux has a “history of violence”.

During the call, the cat can be heard screeching in the background as Palmer said in a panicked voice: “He’s charging us. He’s at our bedroom door.”

Two days after police arrived to rescue the family from the 4-year-old part-Himalayan cat, the Palmer family announced they are keeping Lux but giving him medical attention and therapy.

“We’re not getting rid of him right now,” Palmer said. “He’s been part of our family for a long time.”

In addition to a trip to the vet, a pet psychologist is due at the house to spend some time with Lux.

While it sounds a bit ridiculous, pet therapy is a much better solution than what Laura Cunliffe, the worst person in the world, came up with when her kitten attacked her goldfish. The Brit, who deserves to die a slow painful death, admitted putting her black-and-white cat Mowgli into the microwave and turning it on for five minutes. After taking it out at the minute mark, the poor kitten died a horrible death 90 minutes later.

District Judge John Foster said that act was it “was an act of utterly horrendous cruelty”, sentencing her to 14 weeks in prison and banning her from keeping animals for life. 14 weeks in prison??? 14 weeks in a microwave on high heat would be a much more fitting punishment. I don’t care how many mental problems you have, it’s not an excuse to torture.

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Current Event Cat of the Day: Between Two Ferns

Current EVent Cat - Between Two Ferns

President Barack Obama appeared on Zach Galifianakis’s mock talk show Between Two Ferns to promote the Affordable Healthcare Act website, but at least one political pundit doesn’t believe comedy should be used to promote Obamacare: Bill O’Reilly.

The heavily scripted Funny or Die video included interview questions about Obama’s legacy:

Galifianakis: “What does it feel like to be the last black president?”

Obama: “What’s it like for this to be the last time you ever talk to a president?”

And a discussion about North Ikea:

Galifianakis: “So how does it work? Do you send Ambassador Rodman to North Korea on your behalf? I read somewhere that you’d be sending Hulk Hogan to Syria. Or is that a job more for Tanya Harding?”

Obama: “He’s not our ambassador.”

The Between Two Ferns video quickly went viral, but it wasn’t well received by everyone. Fox News host Bill O’Reilly blasted the mock interview, arguing that Abe Lincoln would NEVER do a Funny or Die video.

“The Affordable Care Act is dubious, to say the least, and using a comedic website to enroll people is a little bit desperate, don’t you think?” O’Reilly said. “I mean, I’m all for PR, and if [White House Spokesman Jay] Carney wanted to go on Funny or Die, fine. But the president of the United States? All I can tell you is, Abe Lincoln would not have done it.”

Well, that’s true considering the technology wasn’t quite up to speed in the 1860s, but Lincoln was actually a known prankster with a great sense of humour – so he totally would have done a Between Two Ferns style interview.

Although O’Reilly deemed the interview “demeaning” and “a farce”, he can’t argue about its effectiveness. A government health care spokeswoman said Tuesday afternoon that 19,000 viewers of the Galifianakis video had already clicked through to visit Healthcare.gov.

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Severe Clown Shortage Plagues Nation!

Sad Clown Clown Shortage

The US is facing a clown shortage – and it’s no laughing matter.

The World Clown Association, the country’s largest trade group for clowns (yes, it exists), reports that membership has fallen from about 3,500 to 2,005 in the past decade. The nation’s imminent clown shortage has been brought on by a decline of interest in clowning, as well as the “advanced age” of its existing clown pool.

In an interview with The New York Daily News, the Clowns of America International President Glen Kohlberger warned that unless immediate action is taken, the time-honored profession of freaking out little kids and adults alike may soon be a thing of the past.

“What’s happening is attrition,” said Kohlberger. “The older clowns are passing away.”

In addition to old clowns dying off, Kohlberger says it’s difficult getting younger people who develop an early interest clowning to stick with it on the professional level. I can’t imagine why – the money was be pretty good minimum wage at best.

“What happens is they go on to high school and college and clowning isn’t cool anymore,” Kohlberger continued. “Clowning is then put on the back burner until their late 40s and early 50s.”

On the bright side, the declining clown population may cause a drop in the number of people suffering from coulrophobia, a fear of clowns. So the US clown shortage may be a good thing after all – because let’s face it, clowns are creepy and everybody knows it. I mean, what kind of grown man wakes up, puts on white face paint, red lipstick, and giant rubber shoes and DOESN’T think about murdering you in your sleep?

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Women Arrested Over Overdue Video Tape

Kayla Finley Video Arrest

A South Carolina woman spent a night in jail for failing to return a video she rented — in 2005. But that’s not even the worst part. It was a VHS tape. Of a Jennifer Lopez movie. Titled Monster-In-Law.

Monster-In-LawKayla Michelle Finley, 27, was arrested on February 13 when she visited the Pickens County Sheriff’s Office to report an unrelated domestic dispute. While there, the cops discovered that there was an active warrant for her arrest – so they arrested her on the spot.

Chief Deputy Creed Hashe said the video store, Dalton Videos (now out of business – thanks Netflix!), had asked a Pickens County judge for the warrant years ago when Finley didn’t return her video.  Police said several warning letters about the overdue video were sent to Finley, but didn’t live at that address anymore.

Finley ended up spending the night in jail because her bond hearing couldn’t be held until Friday morning. When morning came she was released on a $2,000 personal recognizance bond.

Finley was “shocked and disgusted” at the arrest, while the rest of the nation was shocked and disgusted at her taste in movies.

“This is a bogus charge and everyone knows it,” Finley wrote on Facebook.

The Pickens County Magistrate’s Office has since reported that the charge against Finley for failing to return a VHS video was dropped a week after her arrest. The owner of the now defunct store decided to not pursue the charge because of all the media attention the case was receiving.

But once they find out she forgot to REWIND the tape, they may haul her off to the slammer again.

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Norwegian Boy Pretends He’s A Dwarf To Avoid Getting Driving Underage… Then Gets Caught Again

Boy or Dwarf?

A ten-year-old Norwegian boy came up with a… creative… excuse after he drove his parents’ car into a snowy ditch; he told the cops he was a dwarf who forgot his license.

“No Officer, I’m not a 10-year-old boy out on a joy ride, I’m obviously a dwarf…”

Two weeks ago, the young boy put his 18-month old sister in the family car while his parents were still sleeping and headed out towards Grandma’s house. However, he only managed to drive 10 kilometers before veering off the road and ending up in a snowy ditch. Still, not bad for a 10-year-old. A snowplow driver saw the car and alerted the police. When the police showed up they found that the children were not injured, the car was not damaged, but the parents were a little worried.

“The parents woke up and discovered that the children were missing and that someone had taken off with their car. They were pretty upset, as you can imagine,” said Baard Christiansen, a spokesman for the Vest Oppland police district.

“The boy told the snowplow driver that he was a dwarf and that he had forgotten his driver’s license at home.”

Police said no charges would be filed and the case was closed.

“We have talked to [the parents], and I’m pretty sure they’re going to pay very close attention both to their children and to their car keys in the future,” Christiansen said.

WRONG.  Apparently Junior didn’t learn his lesson because fast forward two weeks and he’s done it again. For Round 2, the boy stole his aunt’s car and drove about 35 kilometers before his parents called the police and they pulled him over.

“He is a boy who likes adventure and excitement, that’s all there is to it,” his mother said.

They sound like great parents…

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Crazy Utah Mom Buys Out Full Stock of “Indecent” T-Shirts

Judy Cox Hates T-shirts

Judy Cox was out shopping with her 19-year-old son at University Mall in Orem, Utah when she come across something so shockingly offensive she almost fainted: T-shirts with images of lingerie models.

The Utah mother was so outraged by the T-shirt display in the window of a PacSun store that she immediately went up to the store manager and complained – but not before shielding her precious 19-year-old’s eyes.

“On our way to another store we passed the PacSun store, and I just stopped dead in my tracks,” Judy Cox said.

“The bottom of one woman is completely exposed, uncovered and it’s a very provocative pose that she’s in,” Cox told continued. “Clearly it was offensive and I was most concerned about the youth and the children that would be viewing this.”

Won’t somebody please think of the children!! HelenLovejoy

The store manager agreed that the t-shirts were a bit racy, but explained that they couldn’t take down the display without permission from the corporate office.

But that wasn’t good enough for Judy, who has apparently never walked past a Victoria’s Secret store.

“As I was leaving the mall I just had this thought come to me that I can’t leave it, I can’t let it stay in the window for three or four more days while someone makes a decision,” Cox said.

So Judy did what any sane Mormon mother would do and bought the store’s entire stock of offensive t-shirts. In total Judy spent $567 on the pornographic t-shirts, which she plans to return in 59 days – keeping in line with the store’s 60-day return policy.

However, with the inventory on these shirts at zero, the corporate office will probably just end up sending another shipment since they sold so well at the Utah location. So… she sure showed them.

Judy has since contacted two ultra-conservative organizations, Women for Decency and One Million Moms, to help in her quest to stop the spread of indecent material. Next week they will most likely tackle pornography by buying all the online porn they can find. That should keep them pretty busy.

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Bill Eves: Best. Obituary. Ever.

Bill Eves

Everyone loves a good obituary riddled with fart jokes!

After 76-year-old Kingston, ON resident Bill Eves passed away, his children wrote a truthful but loving obituary that has quickly become an internet hit.

Accompanied by a picture of Bill Eves looking like the human version of Grumpy Cat, the 76-year-old granddad’s obituary reads:

EVES, Bill – 1937-2014 On Saturday February the 8th Molson’s stock price fell sharply on the news of Bill Eves’ passing. Senior executives at Molson called an emergency meeting to brace for the impact of the anticipated drop in sales. As a highly regarded principal for 33 years with the separate school board he created many fond memories for staff, students and families. After his retirement he pursued some of his many hobbies including cooking, carpentry, gardening and sending daily joke emails to family and friends. Perhaps most important to Bill was educating people on the dangers of holding in your farts. Sadly, he was unable to attain his life-long goal of catching his beloved wife Judy “cutting the cheese” or “playing the bum trumpet” — which he likened to a mythical rarity like spotting Bigfoot or a unicorn. He also mastered the art of swearing while being splattered by grease cooking his famous wings. In fact, he wove tapestry of obscenities that still hangs over the Greater Kingston Area.

Before passing Bill forged a 76 year trail of laughter, generosity, compassion, and wisdom. He will be greatly missed by his wife of 50 years Judy, his children Rob (Helen), Tim (Mary-Jo), Angela (Brent), Andrew (Stacey), and his grandchildren Noah, Macy, Teagan, Ella, Claire, Lucy and Will. While his whole family is deeply saddened by Bill’s passing, there is a rumour floating around that he told some the nurses at St. Mary’s of the Lake that this was all just an elaborate plan to get out of shovelling the driveway. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

As per his wishes, a “Praise Bill Party” – a celebration of his life — will be held from 1 p.m. to 4 p.m. (Service at 1:30 p.m.) on March 22, 2014 at the Donald Gordon Conference Centre — 421 Union Street, Kingston Ontario.

Bill’s son, Rob Eves, says he wrote the obituary with his brothers and sister a few days after his dad passed away. Rob admits that writing the piece was therapeutic and his father would have wanted a unique obituary.

“Anybody who knew him if they saw a normal solemn piece, they would have said ‘That’s not Bill, there’s no way that was written by anybody who knew him.’” Rob told the National Post.

I sincerely hope someone (most likely one of my cats) writes an obituary like this for me when I pass away… maybe with fewer fart jokes though.

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