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Current Event Cat of the Day: NHL Suspends Player for Domestic Abuse

Current Event Cat Domestic Abuse NHL

Turns out the NFL doesn’t own the rights to domestic abuse – hockey players can be violent too.

The NHL indefinitely suspended Los Angeles Kings defenseman Slava Voynov after he was arrested for domestic violence on Monday morning.

According to TMZ, the woman who was allegedly attacked by the L.A. Kings star was injured so badly, she was rushed to the hospital. Voynov, who accompanied her to the hospital, was arrested shortly after staffers called authorities to report him as the suspected attacker.

Not wanting to pull a Ray Rice, the NHL took a stronger stance on domestic abuse charges than they have in the past. Last season, when Colorodo Avalanche player Semyon Varlamov was charged with second-degree kidnapping and third-degree assault charges, he was allowed to keep travelling and playing with the team.

But the NHL’s response still wasn’t that strong. Although Slava Voynov will remain suspended until the league completes a formal investigation, he will continued to be paid during this suspension.

“These developments are of great concern to our organization,” the Kings said in a statement. “We support the NHL’s decision to suspend Slava Voynov indefinitely during this process, and we will continue to take appropriate action as the legal proceedings and the investigation by the NHL take their course.”

There have been 9 NHL players arrested since 2011 – not bad compared to the NFL, but still not great.

2014 – Slava Voynov – Domestic violence

2014 – Claude Giroux – Groping a cop

2014 – Ryan Malone – DUI, drug possession

2013 – Semyon Varlamov – Domestic violence

2012 – Ben Eager – Bar fight

2012 – Ondrej Pavelec – DUI

2011 – Dustin Byfuglien – Drinking while boating

2011 – Sean Avery – Pushing a cop

2011 – Nikolay Zherdev – Domestic violence

Now I’m not saying there’s a correlation between Russians and domestic violence… but there’s a definite correlation between Russians and domestic violence.

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NFL Player Penalized for Praying While Muslim

NFL Prayer

Tired of going after child abusers and crazy elevator attackers, the NFL decided to switch things up and start penalizing Muslim NFL players, slapping Kansas City Chiefs safety Husain Abdullah with unsportsmanlike conduct during Monday night’s game for praying after scoring a touchdown.

After Husain Abdullah intercepted a Tom Brady pass and returned it for a touchdown, he dropped to the ground and prayed… but not to Jesus. Abdullah, a devout Muslim, was practicing the Sajdah, a religious MUSLIM prayer.

Abdullah was hit with a penalty because, according to the NFL rulebook, “players are prohibited from engaging in any celebrations or demonstrations while on the ground.” Except, of course, when they’re Christian and named Tim Tebow. Not only was Tim Tebow’s “Tebowing” gesture not penalized, but it became a highly embraced occurrence during the 2011 season.

Screenshot 2014-09-30 11.27.30

By the next morning the NFL was backtracking on their decision, saying it was mistake to punish Husain Abdullah with a 15-yard penalty after he prostrated himself and prayed in the end zone.

“Abdullah should not have been penalized,” Michael Signora, the NFL’s vice-president of football communications, said in a tweet. “Officiating mechanic is not to flag player who goes to ground for religious reasons.”

Abdullah tried deflecting attention from the situation after the game by saying that he thought he was penalized for sliding after getting into the end zone.

“I don’t think it was because of the actual prostration that I got the penalty,” he told the Kansas City Star newspaper “I think it was because of the slide.”

But the NFL’s admission of error makes it pretty clear that it wasn’t the slide, they were just caught pulling a double standard.

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Breaking News: Football May Cause Brain Damage… And Other News

Football Brain Damage

According to data prepared for use in a lawsuit against the National Football League brought by retired players and their families, nearly three in 10 former NFL players will face moderate to severe neurocognitive problems resulting from concussions.

Only 30%? Not bad! The data suggests that retired players are at twice the risk of developing Alzheimer’s disease, moderate dementia, Lou Gehrig’s disease (ALS), and Parkinson’s disease than the general population between ages 20 and 60. But it’s not all bad news for the athletes. These semi-brain dead retired professional football players may qualify for payments under the proposed $765 million concussion settlement – if it’s approved. ESPN

Football LimbaughSpeaking of football and brain damage, Rush Limbaugh had some choice words to say about the game. In response to NFL broadcaster James Brown’s commentary Thursday night challenging “the NFL community and all men” to do something about domestic violence, the conversative radio show host complained that NFL executives and sports journalists are “chickifying” football. Go on Rush… “This is crazy. We’re feminizing this game, and it’s a man’s game, ” Limbaugh said. “If we keep feminizing this game, we’re going to ruin it. Keep chickifying this game, we’re going to ruin it. It’s going to become something it was never intended to be. And so many men now, executives in the league and sports drive-bys are in a race to see who can be the most politically correct feminist guy. It’s comical to watch this.” So… knocking women unconscious in elevators somehow makes football more manly? Raw Story

Russia Sanctions BankBecause sanctions have always worked so well against Russia in the past, the Obama administration and their European allies announced even more sanctions against the Motherland for its intervention in Ukraine. This time the US Treasury and European Union are going after the country’s largest bank, Sberbank. Along with the big banks, oil producers and defence companies will also be cut off from international finance and technology under the new sanctions. “The United States, in close cooperation with the European Union, will impose ever-increasing sanctions that further Russia’s isolation from the global financial system unless Russia abandons its current path and genuinely works toward a negotiated diplomatic resolution to the crisis,” said Under Secretary for Terrorism and Financial Intelligence David S. Cohen. Whether the latest sanctions will stop Russian President Vladimir Putin from backing pro-Russian separatists in Ukraine is another question entirely – to which the answer is no. The Guardian

Killer LaneNice try T.J. Lane. Actually, terrible try T.J. Lane. T.J. Lane, the teen who killed three students during an attack at Chardon High School in Ohio two years ago, was caught about 100 yards from the Ohio prison fence he had scaled to escape just hours earlier. The school shooter, who was sentenced to life without parole last year, escaped from the Allen Correctional Institution on Thursday with two other inmates. Authorities quickly launched a search in woods and a residential area near the prison. Lane was found early Friday in a wooded area close to the prison and is back in custody while prison authorities contemplate moving him to a maximum security prison. Considering he wore a T-shirt with “killer” written on it and made obscene gestures toward the victims’ families at his sentencing, I’m not sure why he was placed in a minimum security facility to begin with… Reuters

Malala YousafzaiBetter late than never! Pakistani authorities have arrested the Taliban militants who shot Malala Yousafzai in 2012. Gen Asim Bajwa said 10 members of a faction called “Shura”, which the army says is part of the Pakistani Taliban, had been arrested in a joint operation with Pakistan’s army, police and intelligence services. The Pakistani teenage activist, who was targeted by the group because of her campaign for women’s rights and equal education for girls, survived the gunshot wound to the head after being airlifted to the U.K. for treatment. Now 17, Malala is based in Britain – mainly because she can’t return home to Pakistan because of Taliban threats to kill her and her family members. Ahhh, to be a teenager again. BBC News

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Washington Redskins: Too Offensive for the U.S. Patent Office

Redskins

The U.S. Patent and Trademark Office canceled the Washington Redskins’ trademark registration, finding the football team’s name “disparaging” to Native Americans.

The case was filed on behalf of five Native Americans who argued the trademarked team name was offensive. The patent board agreed.

“We decide, based on the evidence properly before us, that these registrations must be cancelled because they were disparaging to Native Americans at the respective times they were registered,” the board said.

And this isn’t the first time the board has tried to ban the Redskin name. In 1992, the board tried to remove the team’s trademark protections, ruling that the trademarks were disparaging, but a federal court overturned it on a technicality.

The latest ruling applies to six trademarks – all containing the word Redskin – associated with the Washington DC National Football League (NFL) team. But the decision only affects the right to register the trademarks – it won’t stop the team from continuing to use the Redskins name. However, it will make it much more difficult for the team to sue somebody for using the name and logos. So basically anyone could go around selling Redskins merchandise.

Despite the latest decision and the many, many calls for the team’s name to be changed, owner Daniel Snyder has refused, saying it honours Native Americans – much like a team named the Newark N*ggers would honour African Americans and the San Francisco Fags would honour the LGBT community. In fact, Daniel Snyder is so in tune with the Native American community that he founded a charity to benefit Native Americans, called the Washington Redskins Original Americans Foundation (not to be confused with the Ching-Chong Ding-Dong Foundation for Sensitivity to Orientals or Whatever).

But despite Snyder’s insistence that Native Americans are totally fine with the racial slur, there’s been growing pressure to change the team’s name – even by President Obama himself. So basically it’s only a matter of time before they throw in the towel and just rename the team. And because white guilt is infectious, the Cleveland Indians might want to start putting together a brainstorming session to come up with a new team name too. May I suggest the Cleveland Native Americans Forced onto Reservations and into Poverty by the US Government? Go NAFRPUSGs!!!! 

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Donald Sterling Turns Apology into PR Nightmare

Donald Sterling Apology

While attempting to apologize for his racist comments, the Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling dug himself deeper into a public-image nightmare.

In a PR nightmare of an interview with CNN’s Anderson Cooper last night, Donald Sterling attempted to apologize for the racist remarks that have turned him into the villain of the NBA. The 80-year-old, speaking to Anderson Cooper in his first television interview since the crisis broke, insisted he wasn’t racist and asked forgiveness for his “one mistake.” 

“I’m a good member who made a mistake and I’m apologizing and I’m asking for forgiveness,” he said. “Am I entitled to one mistake, am I after 35 years? I mean, I love my league, I love my partners. Am I entitled to one mistake? It’s a terrible mistake, and I’ll never do it again.”

I’m pretty sure there was more than “one mistake” – the million dollar housing discrimination lawsuit comes to mind – but at least Donald Sterling is stepping up and taking responsibility for his words.

Or maybe not…

Sterling says he was “baited” into using racist language by V. Stiviano, the mistress/professional archivist who made the original recording.

“She would always use the word ‘black,’ ” Sterling said of Stiviano.

“I used her words,” Sterling continued, later adding: “I don’t know why the girl had me say those things.”

Okay, so he didn’t take full responsibility, but at least he didn’t unleash anymore racist or offensive comments, right?

Wrong.

During the interview, Donald Sterling decided to unleash a searing attack on Magic Johnson as well as wealthy African Americans.

“What has he done, big Magic Johnson, what has he done?”

“He acts so holy,” Sterling said. “He made love to every girl in every city in America, and he had AIDS, and when he had those AIDS I went to my synagogue and I prayed for him, I hope he could live and be well. I didn’t criticize him. I could have. Is he an example for children?”

“What kind of a guy goes to every city, has sex with every girl, then he catches HIV. Is that someone we want to respect, and tell our kids about? I think he should be ashamed of himself,” Sterling continued after Anderson Cooper corrected him, explaining that Johnson was HIV positive but did not have “full-blown AIDS.”

“I think he should go into the background. But what does he do for the black people? He doesn’t do anything,” the NBA villain added.

According to Sterling, it might be Magic Johnson’s race that impairs his ability to give back to the community.

“Jews, when they get successful, they will help their people,” said Sterling. “Some of the African Americans, they don’t want to help anyone.”

Then, perhaps to distract viewers from his own racism, Sterling accused Anderson Cooper of being the more racist one of the two.

“I think you have more of a plantation mentality than I do—you’re more of a racist than I am!”

Huh. So it turns out you don’t need a leaked tape to make Donald Sterling look bad, you just have to put him on CNN.

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“I’m Not a Racist, But….” Donald Sterling Edition

Donald Sterling Racist

Does Donald Sterling not know that he is prime phone-tapping material? In another secret recording, the billionaire Clippers owner angrily and adamantly says, “I’m not a racist.

Yes, I’m not a racist, but I forbid my half-black mistress to publicly associate with other black people, lest people figure out she herself is black…

In the recorded telephone conversation, which was taped without Sterling’s knowledge and posted on Radar Online, Sterling comes up with a bunch of colourful quotes:

“It breaks my heart that Magic Johnson, a guy that I respect so much, wouldn’t stand up and say, ‘Well let’s get the facts. Let’s get him and talk to him.’ Nobody tried. Nobody!”

Yeah Magic Johnson! You didn’t stick up for an old racist white man? Now who’s the racist?

You think I’m a racist? You think I have anything in the world but love for everybody? You don’t think that! You know I’m not a racist!” Sterling continued.

Yeah, Sterling loves everybody! As long as they don’t bring black people to his games.

“Do you think I told the coach to get white players?” Sterling said to his friend.

Well, no… because then your team would lose every single game.

Meanwhile, his estranged wife and co-owner of the team, Shelly Sterling, said on Wednesday that she is legally entitled to retain ownership of the team and will push to keep the Clippers, fighting off any NBA attempts to remove the family.

Shelly Sterling, who said she was “devastated” by Donald Sterlin’s racist comments, insists that the lifetime NBA ban only applies to her husband – until, of course, she makes some racist comments of her own. And considering she has already faced accusations of racism in the past (in a housing discrimination lawsuit), at this point it’s only a matter of time before someone taps her phone as well.

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Donald Sterling Has One Regret In Life: “I Wish I Had Just Paid Her Off”

 Donald Sterling, V. Stiviano

Los Angeles Clippers (former?) owner Donald Sterling has broken his silence after his secretly recorded racist rant was leaked to TMZ on April 25. But instead of apologizing for his racist remarks, Sterling told DuJour Magazine he wishes he had “just paid her off,” referring to his ex-mistress V. Stiviano.

In the audio clips, Donald Sterling allegedly tells his then-girlfriend (or professional “archivist” as she calls it) V. Stiviano “Don’t come to my games. Don’t bring black people, and don’t come.” Sterling goes on to tell his girlfriend (who is half black) to stop “associating with black people,” including basketball legend Magic Johnson.

The gist of Donald Sterling’s argument is that people will have a hard time forgetting that she is mixed race if she’s constantly hanging out with her non-white friends, especially publicly and especially at his team’s games – although she is allowed to sleep with black guys for some reason. The gist of her argument is that she can’t deny her heritage and not hanging out with black people at NBA games is kinda hard to do…

Anyways, once the clips were released, Sterling’s life began to unravel.

First, the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People announced it rescinded his lifetime award. The head of the Los Angeles chapter of the NAACP later resigned over the shame of ever having considered Donald Sterling for such an award considering his super racist past.

Sterling HecklersThen the sponsors started pulling out. Virgin America and CarMax announced they are ending their sponsorship of the Los Angeles Clippers in light of Sterling’s racist remarks. Insurer State Farm, which uses Clippers point guard Chris Paul in commercials, also said it is “taking a pause” in sponsorship.

Next up, NBA Commissioner Adam Silver banned the embattled Clippers owner from the league for life and fined him $2.5 million for the racist remarks. After confirnming Sterling was the voice on the tape, Silver announced Sterling will not be involved with games or practices, offices and facilities, or any team business matters.

“The views expressed are deeply offensive and harmful, that they came from an NBA owner only heightens the damage and my anger,” Silver said.

But Sterling’s punishment didn’t end with a lifetime ban.

Silver said he is pushing the NBA Board of Governors to force Sterling to sell the team, which requires the approval of three-quarters of the board. On Thursday the 10-member NBA advisory committee unanimously agreed to begin terminating Mr Sterling’s ownership.

“The committee unanimously agreed to move forward as expeditiously as possible and will reconvene next week,” said NBA executive vice president Mike Bass.

Assuming the board votes in favour of ousting Sterling, a number of celebrities have expressed interest in purchasing the sports team. And this is where Donald Sterling’s worst nightmare comes into play: a black woman owning his basketball team!

ESPN reports Oprah Winfrey (along with David Geffen, Larry Ellison and a few others) is considering making a bid to buy the Los Angeles Clippers if Sterling sells.

The only thing Sterling has going for him now is his battle with prostate cancer – which means his ban from the NBA could be a lot shorter than he expected.

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This Is What Gets You An “A-” At The University Of North Carolina

Rosa Parks My Story University of North Carolina

It’s well known that college athletes get special treatment to maintain their academic eligibility, but the University of North Carolina has taken it to the next level by awarding an athlete an A- for his horribly written 146-word essay on Rosa Parks.

Fresh off their February scandal for allowing its athletes to enroll in fake courses for easy credit, the University of North Carolina (UNC) is back in the spotlight after a whistleblower unveiled a riveting Rosa Parks paper during an interview with ESPN.

Mary Willingham, the University of North Carolina whistleblower who spent a decade tutoring and advising UNC’s jocks, explained to ESPN that “academically challenged” UNC athletes were encouraged to sign up for “paper classes”—classes that involved no class work except for a single paper. These classes allowed UNC’s functionally illiterate football players to boost their GPAs, satisfying the NCAA’s eligibility requirements and allowing UNC to keep  winning championships.

Willingham only revealed one essay, which was written (at a sixth grade level…) for an introductory class and received a grade of A-.

The paper, a summary called “Rosa Parks: My Story”, goes as follows:

“On the evening of December Rosa Parks decided that she was going to sit in the  white people section on the bus in Montgomery, Alabama. During this time blacks had to give up there seats to whites when more whites got on the bus. Rosa Parks refused to give up her seat. Her and the bus driver began to talk and the conversation went like this. “Let me have those front seats” said the driver. She didn’t get up and told the driver that she was tired of giving her seat to white people. “I’m going to have you arrested,” said the driver. “You may do that,” Rosa Parks responded. Two white policemen came in and Rosa Parks asked them “why do you all push us around?” The police officer replied and said “I don’t know, but the law is the law and you’re under arrest.”

Ok… maybe a fourth grade level. But considering Willingham says some students are reading at a second and third grade level, which is considered “illiterate” for an adult, a fourth grade isn’t bad! A well deserved A-!

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Putin to Revive Stalin-Era Soviet-Style Fitness Program, American Media to Put Western Propagandist Spin on Everything

 Putin Fitness Program

Russian President Vladimir Putin is using his leftover Sochi Olympics cash to kick-start a new nationwide fitness plan. But because anti-Russian sentiment is super popular these days, it’s being touted by Western media as an evil Stalinist, Soviet era plot to… improve the health of Russians?

On Monday, Putin launched a program to improve the physical fitness of Russians using funds from the Winter Olympics. The new plan pays homage to the one first introduced by Joseph Stalin in the 1930s called “Ready for Labor and Defense”. Ok, that name doesn’t exactly help their case… Russia doesn’t really need to advertise that it’s ready for defense. But the program itself is not as sinister as it sounds. While the modern version hasn’t been totally hashed out yet, the original version, known by the Russian initials GTO, required citizens to enter competitions in sports like running, jumping, skiing, swimming, and… grenade throwing. Ok, that doesn’t help either. But I’m sure the new version will leave out the grenade throwing competition.

Putin simply wants the unused Sochi money to go towards supporting sports venues and promoting healthy lifestyles among Russians. Speaking at a meeting with officials in the Kremlin on March 24, Putin said that reinstating the plan would “pay homage to our national historical traditions.”

While lots of countries have health and fitness promotion programs, Western media is choosing to focus on the Soviet style aspects of the Russian plan and link it to the era of brutal dictator Joseph Stalin. Headlines include: “Putin Is Reviving a Stalinist Fitness Program to Whip Russians Into Shape” and “Russian Olympic Cash To Restart Soviet-Style Fitness Program”

Apparently getting in shape is a communist ideal. Which I guess explains why Americans are so fat and lazy. Sorry – can’t exercise, not a communist!

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13 Memorable Olympic Moments – That Have Nothing to Do With Athletics…

Olympic Cats

After eighteen days of exhilarating athletics, varying Putin facial expressions, and numerous #SochiProblems, the 2014 Winter Olympics have finally come to an end.

And the winner is…. Russia? The host country won a total 33 medals – including 13 gold. Was it worth $51 billion? For Putin, probably.

Screenshot 2014-02-23 09.43.52

Now we could go over the impressive athletic achievements of the past weeks, but I’ve never been one for actual sports… so here’s a list of some memorable Olympic moments that have nothing to do with athletics:

13. The Olympics get off to a glitchy start at the Opening Ceremonies…

Olympic Glitch

At the start of the Olympic opening ceremonies, five large snowflakes were supposed to transform into the five Olympic rings but one was left in the dark – right before President Putin took the stage.

Luckily there was a giant pantless bear and his two buddies to get the sort of gay festivities rolling again.

Dancing Bear

12. Russian Olympic officials make sure Sochi is stray dog and gay free.

Sochi Dog 2

Despite Putin’s half-assed efforts to reassure gay athletes and fans that they will not be discriminated against, the ban on “gay propaganda” was in full effect. But flamboyant homosexuals weren’t the only unwanted visitors. Olympic organizers hired a pest control company “catch and dispose” of stray dogs before and during the Olympics Games.

11. The Jamaican Bobsled Team makes it to Sochi… but loses their luggage along the way.

Cool Runnings

Feel da riddum! Feel da rhyme! Get on up it’s bobsledding time! After sorting out a few funding issues, the two-man Jamaican bobsled team arrived in Sochi ready to make John Candy proud. Unfortunately, they flew Delta Airlines and lost some of their gear en-route to Russia, forcing them to miss their first training session.

10. Two of the Dufour-Lapointe sisters win medals… the other one, not so much.

Olympic Sisters

Two Canadian sisters, Justine and Chloe Dufour-Lapointe, took the gold and silver in the skiing moguls and stepped up to the podium together. Their oldest sister, Maxime sat on the sidelines after placing 12th on the eve of the her 25th birthday – she’s clearly past her prime. The three sisters did a series of interviews following the double victory, leaving Maxime to smile awkwardy as she patiently listened to everyone gush over her younger siblings.

9. Bob Costa’s crusty eye infection ruins his Olympic anchor streak.

Bob-Costas

The veteran NBC sports reporter was forced to pull himself out of the anchor seat and into the optometrist’s chair after contracting pink eye in both eyes, leaving viewers stuck with Matt Lauer and ruining his streak of hosting 157 consecutive prime-time Olympics broadcasts.

8. Sochi’s tap water raises some suspicions…

sochi-tap-water-St.-Clair

A Chicago Tribune reporter tweeted this picture after the staff at her Sochi hotel warned her not to use the tap water on her face because it contains “something very dangerous”. “On the bright side, I now know what very dangerous face water looks like,” the reporter tweeted.

7. Johnny Weir goes full-on flamboyant fashionista.

JohnnyWeirSochiOlympics

While commentating on the Olympic ice-capades for NBC, the former figurer skater, who looks like a strange combination of Pee Wee Herman and Rob Schneider, decided to go full-on flamboyant with his fashionable get-ups.

6. American Bobsledder Johnny Quinn breaks down barriers.

Quinn Door

Johnny Quinn learned the hard way that in Soviet Russia, bathroom stalls you. The Olympian found himself locked inside a bathroom in Russia’s Olympic Village in Sochi after taking a shower. Luckily, Quinn had two things on his side: the poor quality of Russian construction and his bobsledding skills. So the 6-foot, 220-pound former football player pulled a Kool-Aid man and smashed through the door.

5. Canada takes its notorious politeness to a new level.

Canada to the rescue

Showing the true meaning of sportsmanship, Canadian cross-country ski coach Justin Wadsworth came to the aid of a Russian skier who had damaged his skis in a crash.

 4. Putin cuddles with gay athletes.

Putin_Wust_Speedskater

After winning gold at the Sochi Olympics, Dutch speedskater Ireen Wüst went to celebrate at a party held in her honor. On the guest list? One Vladimir Putin. The openly gay speedskater told Dutch broadcast NOS that while there she “got a cuddle” from Putin, sparking outrage among some LGBT organizations.

3. NBC reduces skier Bode Miller to tears.

Bode Miller Interview

NBC (along with every reality TV show producer) knows that Americans love a good sob story and networks executives love a cheap ploy for ratings. But when NBC’s Christin Cooper interviewed Olympian skier Bode Miller, she may have gone too far with the whole gut-wrenching Olympian backstory narrative, repeatedly asking the athlete about the death of his brother.

2. The Olympic athletes run into some awkward bathroom situations.

Double Toilet Sochi

Cost cutting fail or Russia’s answer to accommodating gay athletes? BBC journalist Steve Rosenberg tweeted a picture from the men’s bathroom at the Olympic Biathlon Centre showing two toilets side by side in the same stall. Apparently the Russians were too busy beefing up their security and defending themselves against accusations of homophobia that they forgot how to properly construct a bathroom.

1. Canada comes out on top.

Screenshot 2014-02-20 22.31.44

Not only did Canada win 25 medals and dominate in hockey, the northern nation scored two cases of beer from Barack Obama and a guarantee that the US will keep Justin Bieber. Double win!

Hockey Bet Bieber

Now Canada will have extra beer bottles to stock its beer fridge in the Sochi Olympic Village.

team-canada-beer-fridge

Sorry Bieber – Canadians only. 

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