Death by Masturbation… And Other News

Death by Masturbation

Did Ariel Castro die during masturbation? Possibly.

New details have emerged about the death of the Cleveland kidnapper who was found hanging in his prison cell while awaiting trial. Officials say Castro’s hanging body was discovered sans pants. Since his underwear was around his ankles and he didn’t leave a suicide note officials are considering death by autoerotic asphyxiation, a way of intensifying orgasm during masturbation by depriving the body of oxygen. An open Bible was also found nearby. Masturbation and a Bible? What a way to go! NBC News

Snowden-father-Lou1There’s nothing like a father-son reunion in Russia. Lou Snowden, the father of exiled American leaker extraordinaire Edward Snowden, arrived in Russia to see his long lost son. Lou Snowden hasn’t seen his son since before he leaked the NSA documents and Edward Snowden hasn’t been seen by anyone (in public) since he was granted asylum in August. “I am not sure my son will be returning to the U.S. again,” his father said, but was happy that Edward “is safe and secure and he’s free.” Despite having to live in hiding in Russia until the end of time, the younger Snowden says he has no regrets about leaking the highly classified information and is adjusting to life in Russia. I guess after living in an airport terminal for a few months, anywhere would seem luxurious – even Russia. National Post

kwame-kilpatrickIf your nickname is the “hip hop mayor of Detroit” you know that at some point you’re going to spend some time in jail. Former mayor of Detroit Kwame Kilpatrick definitely lived up to his moniker after he was sentenced to 28 years in prison, seven months after being convicted on public corruption charges. Kilpatrick ran a secret money-making racket out of city hall, raking in millions for himself and his entourage while the rest of Detroit… well, they went bankrupt. Kilpatrick used his mayoral powers to give business to his friends and used city funding to fund his own lifestyle. He even used funds allotted for needy residents to pay for his own yoga. Hip hop mayors do yoga? Well, not anymore – unless they have some type of prison class. Detroit Free Press

BoehnerGovernment Shutdown Update #4232: A little bit of progress. Maybe. Hopes rose when House Speaker John Boehner offered a short-term debt limit increase to stave off default. The GOP said they would pass a “clean” bill (i.e. no conservative add-ons) that gave a six-week extension for the whole debt-ceiling issue in exchange for negotiations with the White House to end the government shutdown. A short-term solution is better than no solution, right? Wrong! Well, maybe right – they’re still talking through some things. But as of now President Obama and House Republicans have failed to reach an agreement on the six-week extension during their meeting on Thursday. Both parties did agree on two things though: it was a good meeting and they will continue talks. Progress/procrastination! New York Times

Kenya-policeKenyan police must be super busy with the shopping mall attack investigation because they don’t seem to be doing much else. Citizens are outraged after three men accused of gang-raping a 16-year-old and dumping her in an outhouse were only sentenced to 5 years in prison. Just kidding – they won’t serve any jail time. Instead their punishment was cutting grass around the police camp – for a couple of hours. The victim was attacked after returning home from her grandfather’s funeral (!) and broke her back during the struggle. She now uses a wheelchair – otherwise they’d probably make her cut grass with the gang bangers. BBC News

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