World’s Oldest Man, Jiroemon Kimura, Dies… And Other News

Jiroemon Kimura

The world’s oldest man, Jiroemon Kimura, is…dead.

116 year-old Jiroemon Kimura wasn’t just the world’s oldest person – he was the oldest man to have ever lived! Jiroemon Kimura, who was born in 1897, died of natural causes on Wednesday in a hospital in Kyotango, Kyoto. He leaves behind a sh*tload of relatives: 7 children, 14 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren, and 14 great-great grandchildren. His secret to a long life? “Eat light and live long.” He never smoked and made it a habit to eat until he was only 80 percent full. I guess Americans are screwed. Telegraph

Gay LobbyThere is a “gay lobby” inside the Vatican and Pope Francis is very worried about it. Pope Francis acknowledged the existence of a ‘gay lobby’ in the Roman Curia during a private meeting with a group of Latin American Catholic clerics. He also suggested that he was considering taking action on it. The Vatican would have to “see what we can do” about the “gay lobby” operating in the bureaucracy, he said. “It is true, it is there,” a report quotes him as saying. Apparently gay Vatican clergymen had been working together to advance their personal interests. And just how gay is this gay lobby? So gay that it is speculated to have influenced then-Pope Benedict XVI decision to retire. BBC News

Joselyn-Martinez-Justo-SantosAspiring actress one-ups the NYPD: Joselyn Martinez solved her father’s cold case murder 26 years later. The 36-year-old star of the upcoming Web series Wives in the Heights tracked down the man who allegedly murdered her father in 1986 and delivered his phone number and address to the NYPD. How did she do it? Well, her family knew the killer’s name so she did some research, paid about $300 in fees for Internet background-check sites and gave police the info. Justo Santos was then arrested and confessed to the killing. He will be brought to New York later this week to face charges. CNN

Baggy PantsBad news for Beiber and his diaper pants: A beach town in the US state of New Jersey is passing a ban on the wearing of low-slung pants, jeans or shorts on its boardwalk. Wildwood Mayor Ernest Troiano is sick and tired of exposed skin and underwear so he has introduced a new dress code prohibiting pants that hang more than 3 inches below the hips. Mayor Troiano said: “When you have good families who call you up and say, ‘I’ve been coming here 20 years, 30 years, 40 years and I’m not going to any longer because I’m not going to subject my children or my parents or grandparents to seeing some kid walk down the boardwalk with their butt hanging out,’ you have to do something.” BBC News

8 Month ErectionAnd while we’re on the topic of New Jersey, a New Jersey man has sued his doctor over an 8-month erection. Yes, 8 months. 44-year-old Daniel Metzgar,  is suing the Delaware-based urologist who gave him a botched penile implant. The procedure involved inserting a three-piece implant in his groin, including a scrotum pump, inflatable cylinders inside the shaft of his penis, and a reservoir for fluid under his abdominal wall. But Metzgar experienced  volleyball-sized swelling on his scrotum after the procedure and was advised to have it removed. Although he said at the time he couldn’t afford it, it later had to be removed after the tubing punctured his scrotum during a family vacation. Metzgar got the implant to boost his confidence but things did not go as planned. “I could hardly dance, with an erection poking my partner,” Metzgar complained to jurors. “It’s not something you want to bring out at parties and show to friends.” Raw Story

The publishers of a controversial colouring book are angry at the White House for allegedly sending them an email laced with profanity, asking that Bill Ayers (a one-time associate of Obama) be removed from its “The True Faces of Evil – Terror” list. Despite having no evidence to back the email up, the publishers claim the White House disapproved of ‘The True Faces of Evil – Terror” colouring book.

true faces of evil IIHIH

First of all, who makes terrorist colouring books for kids? ‘Here’s your new colouring book Jimmy – ‘The True Faces of Evil – Terror.’ Remember to colour inside the lines of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s face… or it’s off to Guantanamo!’ But don’t worry – if your kids aren’t into terror, there are other options: “Tea Party Coloring Book for Kids” and “We Shall Never Forget 9/11: The Kids Book of Freedom”. Raw Story

Dunkin Donut NutAfter much public prodding, Dunkin’ Donuts has said they will honor two employees who endured a racist nutcase’s rant. The donut nut, 27-year-old Taylor Chapman berated the minimum-wage workers and demanded free food after, she claims, a worker failed to give her a receipt the day before. Chapman, who despite not being in high school still takes car selfies (see picture), videotaped the whole thing thinking she would come across as a hero for demanding receipt justice. Instead she came across as a lunatic and went on a Arab-phobic rant, threatening to “to nuke your whole planet from Mars.” The two workers who endured the harassment handled the situation calmly and both have been invited to an internal company event in Boca Raton later this month for further recognition. Gawker

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