John Boehner’s Bartender Tried to Poison Him

John Boehner Drinking Bartender

44-year-old Michael Robert Hoyt, a bartender in Deer Park, Ohio, has been charged with threatening to kill the Speaker of the House of Representatives, John Boehner.

Michael Hoyt, who had served Boehner drinks at the Wetherington Country Club for more than five years, said he wished to poison the senior Republican by spiking his drink.

Hoyt called police on Oct. 29 to tell them he blamed Boehner for his life’s troubles a week after being fired. Apparently the call prompted sufficient enough concerns that officers were sent to his home a week later. When the police arrived, Hoyt told them he was Jesus Christ and John Boehner was the devil. Clearly, the bartender has a troubling history of mental illness. Either that, or he really is Jesus Christ and Boehner really is the devil – can’t really rule that out at this point.

Hoyt also told officers he was going to kill Boehner because “Boehner was mean to him at the country club and because Boehner is responsible for Ebola.” Well, at least one of those is probably true…

Hoyt planned on poisoning Boehner’s drink but unfortunately didn’t have the time (or mental capacity) to pull the plan together before he lost his job at the Wetherington Country Club. He then proceeded to tell the cops his Plan B: shoot Boehner with a Beretta .380 pistol and flee the scene.

Police confiscated the weapon and Hoyt was taken to a local hospital for psychiatric evaluation.

To sum up, John Boehner has not been poisoned… despite the alarmingly unnatural orange hue of his skin.

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