New Pope, New Hope? Nope.

Pope Francis Waves

The former archbishop of Buenos Aires, Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio (aka Pope Francis), began his reign as Pope today and so far he’s mastered the task of waving and staring blankly at an obedient mass. Nailed it!

Pope Benedict XVI left behind an out of touch church, plagued with clerical sex abuse scandals, internal divisions and dwindling numbers. Will Pope Francis be able to turn any of this around? Let’s take a quick look at his stats.

  • He is the first pope from Latin America and the first from outside Europe in more than 1,000 years. Not bad. His parents are Italian though.
  • He is the first Jesuit to be named a pope. Ok, not even sure what that means.
  • He had a lung removed when he was a teenager due to an infection. Hmm. Sounds like he might pull a Benedict and step down due to old age syndrome.
  • He lives a simple life. He rides a bus to work, wears an ordinary priest’s robe and lives with an older priest in a simple apartment where he cooks his own meals. Sounds kind of gay but alright.
  • He is a conservative who is anti-gay marriage and anti-gay adoption. He has described same-sex marriage as the work of the devil and a “destructive attack on God’s plan.” Ok, maybe not so gay… or just in the closet gay.
  • He has rallied his clergy against the ‘culture of death’ (i.e he’s not a fan of abortion or distributing contraception). Yeah, I’m not really feeling this Pope.

After this extremely ‘in-depth’ analysis, I don’t think we can expect Pope Francis to foster any major changes to the church. He seems like more of a status-quo pope. Maybe Dennis Rodman would have been a better choice after all…

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Via: CBC News

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