New York City Mayoral Update: Weiners & Kittens

Bill de Blasio New York City Race

New York City is one step closer to replacing Mayor Michael Bloomberg!

According to unofficial results, Bill de Blasio has won New York City’s Democratic mayoral primary. But even though he won the most votes, the Board of Elections isn’t letting him go that easy. Instead they said they would hold a recount in the Democratic race since de Blasio captured 40.21 percent of the votes cast—hovering just barely above the magic threshold of the 40 percent needed to avoid a runoff.

You know what else would have avoided a runoff? Weiner dropping out of the race. Now it will take another week or so to recount the votes and if de Blasio is under 40 percent, a runoff will be held on Oct.1 with the second place finisher, former city controller Bill Thompson.

However, without Anthony Weiner/Carlos Danger in the race, we wouldn’t have been able to laugh at his dismal 5% finish. And as if acquiring only 5% of the vote wasn’t humiliating enough, one of his sexting partners, Sydney Leathers (who incidentally is now launching a porn career), showed up at Weiner’s campaign party intending to confront him. When Weiner caught wind of her plan, he tried to sneak in through the backdoor of the McDonald’s next door. Being the fame whore that she is, Sydney ran after him, resulting in an awkwardly hilarious McDonald’s chase.

As for who didn’t show up, well, that would be Wiener’s wife, Huma Abedin. Weiner did not mention her in his concession speech and despite being by his side during the height of his scandal, she was noticeably absent from the party.

After the McDonald’s chase and the concession speech, Weiner was driven away from the rally but not before flipping off a bunch of reporters. Great way to end a great campaign!

On the Republican front, Joe Lhota, the former head of the New York City transit service and the official anti-kitten candidate, won the Republican race with 52% of the vote, defeating gazillionaire John Catsimatidis, who had 41 percent of the vote.

Hmm. I’m not too sure about this one. There’s only one thing I care about when it comes to voting – a candidate’s stance on kittens (hence why Stephen Harper is in power in Canada). After train service was stopped in Brooklyn last week to rescue two little kittens on the tracks, Lhota announced he would not have shut down the trains. Big mistake.

Kitten on Subway Tracks

His opponents quickly jumped on this.

Main rival John Catsimatidis reaffirmed his love of kittens and noted that you can’t spell “Catsimatidis” without “cats”.

As for the Democrats, a spokesman says Bill Thompson would “work to protect” the subway kittens in such a situation.

Christine Quinn’s spokesperson says she “would have stopped the trains for the kitties.”

Even Weiner tried to scrounge up a few votes by appealing to cat lovers.

“If Anthony is elected mayor,” his spokesperson Barbara Morgan said, “he will not only stop trains for kittens, he will personally crawl over the third rail to do it.

Luckily Lhota realized his mistake in time to win the primary. At the Republican mayoral debate Lhota insisted he was pro-cat.

I never said I wanted to kill a cat. I’m not the anti-kitten candidate. Let’s talk about the facts, let’s talk about the real facts here. First off, as you all know, I have pets. I love pets. I grew up with cats … We have thousands of cats, literally thousands of cats, that are in the subway system every single day, day and night, scurrying across the tracks and they don’t get killed.”

On second thought, that doesn’t sound very pro-cat at all…. it sounds like helpless kittens will be left to fend for themselves under Lhota’s rule. Can we get Anthony Weiner back??? Please??

Via: BBC News

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