The FBI’s Stoner Ban is Slowing Down the Fight Against Chinese Hackers

Stoner Hackers Chinese Hacking

The U.S. Justice Department filed criminal charges Monday against five Chinese military officials for hacking American companies in nuclear power, metals, and solar products industries – the first cyber-espionage case of its kind. 

The Chinese hackers allegedly used military and intelligence facilities to commit cyber espionage against U.S. companies, stealing trade secrets and internal documents. Attorney General Eric Holder said the alleged breaches were “significant” and demanded “an aggressive response”.

“Enough is enough,” Holder said. “It is our hope that the Chinese government will respect our criminal justice system.”

China is known around town as one of the worst perpetrators of using cyber spying to gather information and steal trade secrets. And the U.S. is sick and tired of it.

The only problem is, America needs its own hackers to fight off the Chinese hackers. And apparently all our hackers are stoners…

On Monday – the same day the US charged Chinese officials with cyber espionage – FBI director James Comey told an audience at the White Collar Crime Institute about the agency’s stoner problem.

Here’s the dilemma: the FBI needs to hire qualified hackers to add to its cyber crime division, but it also will not hire anyone who’s smoked weed in the past three years. Turns out smoking weed goes hand in hand with the ability to stare at code for hours on end without going completely insane and now there’s a shortage of FBI-eligible hackers.

“I have to hire a great work force to compete with those cyber criminals, and some of those kids want to smoke weed on the way to the interview,” Comey said.

Comey added that the agency is “grappling with the question right now.”

After Comey’s remarks got out, the FBI director was forced to backpeddle a little bit.

“I am absolutely dead-set against using marijuana,” Comey clarified. “I did not say that I am going to change that ban.”

Although he did admit that the FBI is thinking about changing it…

If the non-stoner hacker pool is that small and the FBI is dead-set against the Chinese stealing US secrets, Comey might want to first put his energy behind the push for marijuana legalization and then focus on the cyber-sabotage. Might be faster.

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