Tag Archives: Al Qaeda

Current Event Cat of the Day: Al Qaeda Feels Left Out

 al Qaeda Cat

With all eyes on ISIS, al Qaeda is feeling left out of the terrorism game.

In response to a U.S. assessment that the original Islamic terrorist organization is in decline, al Qaeda issued a defiant online message Sunday, dismissing the U.S. State Department’s annual terrorism report as “lies”.

In its annual terrorism report published in April, the U.S. State Department said:

“As a result of both ongoing worldwide efforts against the organization and senior leadership losses, AQ core’s leadership has been degraded, limiting its ability to conduct attacks and direct its followers.”

While the report notes that the group has expanded horizontally, with global affiliates grabbing territory and harassing Western-backed governments in Somalia, Algeria and Yemen, al Qaeda was not impressed with U.S. trying to downplay their presence.

“Whatever slip-ups or errors (regional branches)…may have committed are limited in number in the midst of mountains of good deeds and successes,” said Hossam Abdul Raouf, an Egyptian veteran of the militant group, adding that the organization was expanding across the world.

“How then can al Qaeda have shrunken greatly and lost many of its senior leaders at a time when it is expanding horizontally and opening new fronts dependent on it?” Raouf asked.

Noticeably absent from Raouf’s statement was any mention of the ultra-hardline Islamic State group, it’s archrival for the leadership of global jihad. Counter-terrorism experts say the aging al Qaeda leadership is struggling to compete with ISIS for young recruits.

ISIS, who broke away from al Qaeda in 2013 over its expansion into Syria, has everything young recruits are looking for in a terrorist organization: publicized beheadings of western journalists (and now aid workers), mass executions of innocent civilians, crucifixions, stonings, burying victims alive, ethnic cleansing – the works! Al Qaeda just can’t compete with this level of savagery.

Luckily for al Qaeda, thirty countries have pledged to help Iraq fight Islamic State (IS) militants “by all means necessary”. Even the Arab countries are pitching in! Following a conference in Paris to discuss strategy on how to combat the jihadists, several Arab nations have offered to carry out air strikes against the group in Iraq and Syria. And a few days before, ten Arab countries issued a communiqué with the U.S. endorsing efforts to “destroy” ISIS.

So don’t worry, al Qaeda. You’ll have your title as the world’s worst terrorist organization back soon enough. Unless Boko Haram has anything to do with it…

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Suicide Bomb Instructor Accidentally Blows Up His Class

Suicide Bomber Camp

Rule Number 1 of teaching aspiring suicide bombers: train the instructor.

Rule Number 2 of teaching aspiring suicide bombers: don’t give lessons with live explosives.

The commander of an Iraqi militant group accidentally killed himself and 21 members of his unit on Monday after he conducted a demonstration with live explosives at a secluded terrorist training camp north of Baghdad.  The demonstration, as you can imagine, blew their minds.

Another 15 members of the group were injured in the explosion caused by the careless instructor. But to be fair, it is difficult to find decent suicide bomb instructors with proper work experience these days.


The Sunni militants/suicide-bombers-in-training belonged to the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria, also known as ISIS, and have been engaged in fighting with the Iraqi government army.  Known for conducting suicide bombings throughout the country, ISIS has been behind the daily attacks on public markets, mosques, funerals and even children’s soccer games.

Needless to say, Iraqi citizens aren’t too upset about the “tragedy”. In fact, they consider it some sweet, sweet karma.

“This is so funny,” local resident Raad Hashim said. “It shows how stupid they are, those dogs and sons of dogs.”

“This is God showing justice,” Hashim continued. “This is God sending a message to the bad people and the criminals in the world, to tell them to stop the injustice and to bring peace. Evil will not win in the end. It’s always life that wins over death.”

Another resident of the area was also pretty psyched:

“I heard this today when my friend rang me in the afternoon to tell me about it. He was so happy as if he was getting married.”

“Which made me happy as well,” the resident said. “I hope that their graves burn and all the rest of them burn as well. I was not happy with the number killed, though: I wanted more of them to die, as I remember my friend who was killed by a suicide bomber in 2007.”

I’m glad they’re happy, but ultimately the joke’s on them; those suicide bomber trainees are now living it up with 72 virgins. Or just dead with random bloodied body parts strewn all over the suicide training camp.

Via: The New York Times

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Al Qaeda Can Run But They Can’t Hide

al Qaeda can't hide

Well, actually al Qaeda can hide – and they do it fairly well. But eventually we’ll get ’em!

Secretary of State John Kerry’s “al Qaeda can run but they can’t hide” statement on Sunday ended off a weekend of al Qaeda raids.

First up, US forces managed to capture Abu Anas al Liby, an al Qaeda leader linked to the 1998 bombings of American embassies in Kenya and Tanzania. The joint mission by the military, the CIA, and the FBI took place early Saturday in the Libyan capital of Tripoli, where a fierce firefight erupted, leaving 15 Libyan soldiers dead at a checkpoint. But that doesn’t matter because the US got what they were after: Abu Anas al Libi – dead or alive (but preferably alive). The embassy bombing terrorist was taken alive and is now in American custody. Sadly Abu Anas won’t get a tropical vacation in Guantanamo Bay, instead he’s expected to stand trial in New York.

After a 15-year manhunt, the US was pretty proud of this one. Abu Anas was, after all, and their “Most Wanted Terrorists” list.

“This operation should be a clear reminder that the United States will seek justice against those who would attack Americans, and never forgets those who are victims of terrorism,” the White House said Sunday.

And Chuck Hagel, undoubtedly in a great mood now that all his minions are back to work, wrote in a statement that the raids “send a strong message to the world that the United States will spare no effort to hold terrorists accountable, no matter where they hide or how long they evade justice.”

US officials insisted the Libyan government was aware of the operation but after al Qaeda leader Abu Anas el-Liby was captured, Libya demanded an explanation as to why the US kidnapped one of its citizens. John Kerry defended the capture, saying Abu Anas was a “legal and appropriate target”. So suck it Libya.

The second al-Qaeda raid of the weekend also took place early Saturday morning and also took place in Africa – but this time in southern Somalia. A team of U.S. Navy SEALs (the same SEALs that killed Osama bin Laden) targeted the leader of the al-Qaeda linked terrorist group al-Shabab. Unfortunately the mission didn’t go quite so smoothly. The SEALs came under fire and withdrew before they could confirm whether they killed their target. In the end they didn’t capture the target they were after. Yet… After all, they can run, but they can’t hide – for more than 15 years…

Via: CNN

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Khalid Sheikh Mohammed: Terrorist / Vacuum Cleaner Designer

 Khalid Sheikh Mohammed

What does Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, the alleged mastermind behind the 9/11 attacks do for fun? Design vacuum cleaners of course!

The Pakistan (or Kuwait??)-born mechanical engineering graduate was arrested in 2003 and subsequently underwent harsh interrogations in Poland where he was forced to go without sleep and endure all kinds of water-boarding (well, mainly one kind). After the CIA prison in Poland was closed down, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed was transferred to a prison in the Romanian capital, Bucharest. It was there that he made a strange request: he wanted permission to design vacuum cleaners.

CIA officials had to check with the head office but in the end they complied with the request – mainly because they wanted him to stay sane in case he ever went to trial. And they had to undo some of the psychological damage inflicted on him from the interrogations (translation: torture).

“We didn’t want them to go nuts,” a former senior CIA official said anonymously.

Apparently re-engineering vacuums keeps people calm. So Khalid Sheikh Mohammed went about designing his vacuum cleaners using online guides and his somewhat limited engineering background. And it appears to have worked! Recent Guantánamo records show that Khalid Sheikh Mohammed appears to be in good health (unlike some of the others who are suffering from depression and post-traumatic stress disorder).

The Romanian detention centre also reportedly provided books for prisoners to read. Khalid Sheikh Mohammed is said to have enjoyed the Harry Potter series.

Sadly, the secret CIA prison in Romania was closed in early 2006 and Khalid Sheikh Mohammed’s life of vacuums and Harry Potter quickly disappeared. Mohammed was transferred later that year to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, where he remains today awaiting a military trial that will probably never happen.

Via: The Guardian

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Al-Qaeda Sets Up a Complaints Department

Al Qaeda Sets Up Complaints Department

Al-Qaeda is on a corporate mission to slowly morph itself into Office Space/The Office/some kind of Dilbert cartoon.

Al-Qaeda has long had a reputation for bureaucracy. Papers rescued from the house where Osama bin Laden was killed revealed the detailed / controlling nature of the organization’s correspondence with its various branches. Al-Qaeda’s Office Space-esque behaviour popped up again last week when it was revealed that the terror network required its member to fill out expense reports. This week, the latest news is that al-Qaeda has set up a complaints department.

The al-Qaeda bureaucracy posted a new notice this week saying:

“Any one who might have a complaint against any element of the Islamic state, whether the Emir or an ordinary soldier, can come and submit their complaint in any headquarters building of the Islamic state. The complaint should be in writing, provide details and give evidence. We promise that we will ensure accountability for anyone committing violations, and they will be sent to the Sharia court of Iraq and al-Sham.”

The Iraqi and Syrian branches of al-Qaeda set up these complaint departments in areas where they hold control. Civilians can put in their various complaints about their newly merged Islamic State of Iraq and al-Sham, a.k.a. Lebanon and Syria in al Qaeda speak (apparently the militants’ long-term goal is to turn Iraq, Syria and Lebanon into a single Islamist state).

The biggest complaint in the al-Qaeda controlled Islamic State of Iraq and al-Sham?

“My wife is a slut”

Via: The Telegraph

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Al Qaeda Makes Terrorists Fill Out Expense Reports… And Other News

 Osama bin Boss Al Qaeda

Even Al Qaeda has to deal with expense reports and pointless corporate meetings.

The Associated Press discovered a leaked memo about the terror network’s North African wing’s “most difficult employee”. After years of trying to discipline him, the leaders of Al Qaeda’s North African branch sent one final letter to Moktar Belmoktar. The memo accused him of not answering his phone when they called, failing to turn in his expense reports, ignoring meetings, openly mocking co-workers, and refusing to carry out orders. Al Qaeda – they’re just like us!

Moktar Belmoktar followed the path of many disgruntled employees before him and became an entrepreneur. A terrorist entrepreneur… Belmoktar formed his own competing group, the Masked Brigade. He is now credited with taking more than 100 foreigners hostage in Algeria in January, leaving more than 30 dead, as well as simultaneous bombings just last week of a military base and a French uranium mine in Niger. I guess not everyone was meant for the corporate world! Via: The Associated Press

Girl Handcuffed in CHinaCaution to the clumsy: do not spill water on government cars in China! Otherwise you will be handcuffed and paraded down the street as punishment. That’s what happened to a 13 year old girl in the county of Hezhang, Guizhou province. After accidentally splashing water into a government vehicle, the girl got into an argument with local officials who then reportedly handcuffed her and made her walk up and down the street in shame. Although the incident occurred in April, it has just become public thanks to a post on a micro-blogging site. The two officials have since been suspended. Via: BBC News

Hitler TeapotAligning your company with nazi-related products is not always a good business strategy. Unless, of course, your target demographic is white supremacists. JCPenney learned that the hard way after commuters in southern California complained about a billboard advertising a teapot bearing a striking resemblance to Hitler. The billboard was accompanied by the song: “I’m a little Nazi, short and stout, here is my mustache, here is my spout, when I get all steamed up out I shout, get in the oven so I can wipe you out”. I may have made that last part up. The company has since taken down the Interstate 405 billboard and also removed the teapot from their website. The kettle, which originally cost $40 is now sold out, and is going for $199 on eBay. I suppose this says something about society… but I’m not sure what… Via: Uproxx

HatebookWho knew the internet was a place for anonymous a**holes to spew hateful words? Under pressure from activists and advertisers, Facebook is trying to turn Hatebook back into Facebook. The VP in charge of public policy wrote on the site, “In recent days, it has become clear that our systems to identify and remove hate speech have failed to work as effectively as we would like, particularly around issues of gender-based hate.” Pages flagged as offensive by women activist groups had such names as “Kicking Your Girlfriend in the Fanny Because She Won’t Make You a Sandwich,” “Violently Raping Your Friend Just for Laughs,” “Raping Your Girlfriend” and “Fly Kicking Sluts in the Uterus.” Via: CNN

Angry BeaverBeaver attacks in Belarus! An angry beaver attacked a 60-year-old fisherman from Belarus after the man tried to grab the animal. The beaver bit him several times, slicing an artery and causing the man to bleed to death. The incident was the most serious in a string of vicious beaver attacks in Belarus. The beavers are becoming increasingly aggressive towards humans and there’s no stopping them! Since hunting beavers was banned, the beaver population in Belarus has tripled in the past decade to an estimated 80,000 beavers. Next time you see one of these 80,000 beavers, don’t try to grab it, dumbass. It will probably bite you. Via: National Post

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