Tag Archives: Christmas

Rob Ford’s Christmas Gift Advice: Women Love Money

Rob Ford Dance Gift

Rob Ford is full of Christmas spirit (and possibly some crack)! After performing an awkward city council boogie, the Toronto Mayor shared some of his holiday gift-giving tips.

On Wednesday, the embattled Toronto Mayor was filmed dancing around to a Christmas song and Bob Marley’s “One Love” during a city council session. Warning: this is what the Pillsbury doughboy would look like if he having a seizure while drowning in a pool of his own sweat.

Later, when Ford had fully recuperated from his super sexy dance workout, he made his regular Thursday phone-in chat on a U.S radio show Sports Junkies, to give some Christmas gift advice. When asked about his holiday gift-giving plans for his wife, Renata Ford, the mayor responded:

“Just money. Women love money. Give them a couple of thousand bucks and they’re happy. Get some treats on the side obviously for her,” he said. “At the end of the day, she wants her cash. So I give her a nice cheque and we’re all happy.”

And what will Rob Ford’s wife get him in return? All the p*ssy he can eat.

Via: The National Post

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Santa Claus is White Because Martin Luther King was Black

Megyn Kelly Santa Claus

Last week, Fox News Host Megyn Kelly sparked some heated debate over Santa Claus’s race. Kelly argued that Santa was white because “he just is”, the same way that Jesus is white – he just is!!

Kelly claimed that both Santa and Jesus are historical figures and their whiteness is a “verifiable fact,” despite the fact that Santa Claus is an imaginary elf and Jesus is widely believed to be a Jew with a rather dark complexion. Kelly received some flack for her assertions from the liberal media but libertarian radio host Neal Boortz has her back on this one.

Filling in for Herman McCain on his radio show, Boortz and some random caller stick up for Megyn Kelly and her vision of a white Christmas.

“Yeah, I’m sorry, Santa Claus is white!” Boortz exclaims. “Okay? Deal with it!”

“Everything has got to be black now, it doesn’t matter what it is,” the caller complains.

“You know, I’m going to scream and complain because Martin Luther King is always portrayed as black,” Boortz quips. “It just ain’t right.”

Well there go all of Herman McCain’s listeners…

So…. let me get this straight: Martin Luther King is black, Jesus is questionably white, Santa is an imaginary elf, and Neal Boortz is borderline retarded?

Via: Buzzfeed 

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Megyn Kelly’s Dreaming of a White Santa…

Megyn Kelly Black Santa

In response to a Slate article about a black versus white Santa, Megyn Kelly declared on her Fox News show that both Santa Claus and Jesus were white.

Slate’s Aisha Harris wrote that she had always been confused as a child because the Santa in her home had brown skin like her, but the Santa in malls and on television was always white. Harris then argued that there should be more diverse representations of Santa Claus. Or why not remove race altogether and make Santa a penguin, she asks?

“For one thing, making Santa Claus an animal rather than an old white male could spare millions of nonwhite kids the insecurity and shame that I remember from childhood,” she wrote.

“Let’s ditch Santa the old white man altogether, and embrace Penguin Claus—who will join the Easter Bunny in the pantheon of friendly, secular visitors from the animal kingdom who come to us as the representatives of ostensibly religious holidays.”

Apparently Pengiun Santa was too much for Megyn Kelly to take and she decided to make it crystal clear that Santa (and Jesus!) are both the whitest of white men.

“You know, I’ve given her her due. Just because it makes you feel uncomfortable doesn’t mean it has to change,” Kelly said. “Jesus was a white man, too. It’s like we have, he’s a historical figure that’s a verifiable fact, as is Santa, I just want kids to know that. How do you revise it in the middle of the legacy in the story and change Santa from white to black?”

Santa Claus can be traced to a real life monk named St. Nicholas who lived in what is today Turkey and Jesus was a Jew of Mediterranean descent – so it’s debatable how white they really were. Next thing you know she’ll be saying God in white! And if Bruce Almighty taught me anything, it’s that God is Morgan Freeman.

Via: Politico

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Chinese Man Jumps To His Death To Avoid Christmas Shopping With His Girlfriend

Shopping Death

In a shopping mall in in Xuzhou, east China, Tao Hsiao, 38, shopped til he dropped – seven stories down.

After shopping for nearly five hours at the mall, Tao decided enough was enough and demanded to go home. His girlfriend, however, wanted to keep shopping for shoes. Cue giant public fight.

According to an eye witness, “He told her she already had enough shoes, more shoes that she could wear in a 
lifetime and it was pointless buying any more.”

“She started shouting at him accusing him of being a skinflint and of spoiling Christmas, it was a really heated argument.”

The fight ended when Tao decided he would literally rather die than take one more second of Christmas shopping with his girlfriend. So he dropped the bags he was carrying for her and jumped over the balcony to his death. His flailing body smashed into some Christmas decorations during the seven-story plunge, but luckily no other shoppers were hit.

Tao was killed on impact and emergency services quickly removed his body. As for his shopaholic girlfriend, hopefully she picked up some funeral outfits during the five-hour spree, because now she doesn’t have anyone to carry around her bags for her.

Via: The Daily Mail

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Turns Out Boob Jobs Aren’t The Best Christmas Gifts for 15-Year-Olds

Plastic Surgery Teenager 15-year-old

Germany’s new coalition government is working on a law banning cosmetic surgery for minors and warning people that breast enlargements aren’t appropriate Christmas gifts for 15-year-olds. Good to know. Now back to the drawng board!

Chancellor Angela Merkel’s conservative bloc and the Social Democrats are pushing for the law, which makes an exception for cosmetic procedures deemed “medically necessary,” in an attempt to protect the children from the media’s obsession with beauty as well as poorly qualified plastic surgeons. Basically, they’re trying to prevent youth from turning into little German Heidi Montags.

“Youth protection is also about protecting young people from the consequences of a wrong-headed beauty craze,” John Spahn, health spokesman for the Christian Democratic Union, said.

“Unnecessarily subjecting a young body, which is still growing, to such a significant procedure can have dire consequences, both physically and mentally.”

“I think it is completely unacceptable to give a 15-year-old a breast enlargement as a Christmas present.”

“Therefore plastic surgery that is not necessary on medical grounds should be banned.”

According to the Christian Democratic Union, around 10 percent of all plastic surgery operations in Germany are performed on people under 20. But the German Association of Plastic, Reconstructive and Aesthetic Surgeons says it’s more like 1.16% – and most of them are just getting their ears pinned back.

Germany isn’t the first country to consider a ban on plastic surgery for minors. The Australian state of Queensland introduced a similar ban in 2008 and in 2009 Italy banned breast enhancements for patients under 18  – much to Silvio Berlusconi’s dismay. Over in the U.S, the FDA advises against breast implants for minors, but cosmetic surgery for children is legal with parental consent. Hence why Courtney Stodden had to stuff her bra with pillows until she turned 18…

Anyways, if you planned on getting the 15-year-old in your life a boob job for Christmas, you might want to reconsider it. Just pick her up a nice Walmart towel or something. I hear it’s the hottest toy this year…

Via: The Local

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Gov. Scott Walker: Screw Your Kids, Give Their Christmas Gifts to Me

Scott Walker Christmas

Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker knows that Christmas isn’t about crass commercialism; it’s about giving to those less fortunate (aka his chances at reelection).

Scott Walker, who is up for reelection next year, is currently tied in the polls with Democrat Mary Burke. In order to stave off a Democratic win, he needs all the Christmas funding he can get – or some kind of Christmas miracle. So this year, in the spirit of Christmas and political campaigning, Walker’s campaign team sent an email asking donors to forgo giving their children Christmas presents and instead donate to his reelection effort.

The email, send out over the weekend, read:

“Instead of venturing into the cold this Black Friday, stay in and give your children a gift that will keep on giving … Donate $5, $10 or $25 to help Governor Walker get re-elected and save your children from a future of double-digit tax increases and billion-dollar deficits.”

And the note didn’t stop there. Walker and friends went on to point out that any “electronics or toys” that parents buy for their children “will undoubtedly be outdated, broken, or lost by the next Holiday Season,” whereas a contribution to the Walker reelection effort will help to create “a Wisconsin as great as the one [Walker] grew up in.”

You hear that children? Toys are temporary, but political contributions are forever.

The Walker campaign staffer responsible for this Grinch-like fundraising appeal, 23 year-old Deputy Finance Director Taylor Palmisano, has since been fired from the campaign – but not for asking parents to ruin their children’s Christmas. No, she was fired for sending out racist Tweets about Hispanics back in 2011.

Hispanic Tweets

Walker 2014!!

Via: ABC News

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Obama Dog Knocks Over Child, Ruins Christmas

Obama Dog

President Obama’s new puppy, Sunny Obama, knocked down a 2-year-old girl during a White House Christmas event. Thanks, Obama dog!

The event, which was for some reason catered by Ku Klux Katering, celebrated the unveiling of the 2013 White House holiday decorations. This year the decorations include two life-sized replicas of the Obama dogs, made from black satin ribbon, as well as a 300 pound gingerbread replica of the White House with two little chocolate dogs on the North lawn.  The Obamas had invited military families and their children to see the festive dogorations and partake in some holiday crafts.

“During this holiday season, as we gather with our loved ones, I’d ask every American to remember what our military families and service members often experience during this time of year,” Michelle Obama said at the gathering. “Let us all remember the sacrifices they make to proudly serve all of us.”

Everything was going smoothly until Bo and Sunny Obama were brought into the State Dining Room to visit children. While Bo, a seasoned White House veteran, was on his best behaviour, 1-year-old puppy Sunny tried to break away from his handler (the first lady), knocking over a 2-year-old girl in the process. The toddler lost her balance and fell to the floor.

The child got up quickly, Michelle gave her a hug, and her dad said she was fine – but the media ate it up. I can just imagine the Fox News segment: Do the Obamas train their dog to attack little white children? Is the Obama dog worse than Obamacare? Was the Obama dog behind Benghazi? The answer to this (YES) and more, coming up.

Via: The Hill

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The Hottest Holiday Toy This Year Is… A Towel


Americans must take a lot of showers because Walmart’s most popular Black Friday seller this year was a towel.

Almost three million towels were sold from 6 p.m. on Thanksgiving through Black Friday, beating out the 300,000 bicycles, 1.4 million tablets, and 2 million televisions sold during the same period.

Why the sudden towel craze? Apparently Walmart shoppers can’t resist a bargain. For the low price of $1.74, Walmart offered single bath towels and six-packs of washcloths.

“We’ve seen at-home items like towels and sheets and even Rubbermaid Tupperware become popular on Black Friday at our stores,” said Wal-Mart spokeswoman Deisha Barnett. “A lot of people are either hosting guests for the weekend or preparing for guests for the holiday season.”

The towel sale was enough to send Walmart shoppers into a frenzy, as holiday deal-seekers punched and shoved their way through the crowd to get their hands on the 29 cent washcloths. Nothing says Merry Christmas like a good old fashioned towel fight:

But videos weren’t the only thing Walmart shoppers posted on the internet in relation to the vicious towel fights. Some holiday shoppers took anger/amusement out on Twitter:

Screenshot 2013-12-04 17.29.04


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Brazil Should Have Built a Vagina Stadium… And Other News

Brazil Stadium

Brazil’s World Cup stadium partially collapsed on Wednesday, killing at least three people.

The workers were killed when an evil crane collapsed while lifting a piece of the stadium’s roof into place, causing the roof to buckle and destroy part of the stands. Brazil has been rushing to finish the Itaquerao Stadium in order to meet FIFA’s December deadline to have all 12 venues ready – but now that the crane has cause damage to the exterior many are wondering if they will be prepared. Considering the workers’ union is halting construction for 30 days while authorities investigate, I’m going to go with ‘not prepared.’ Looks like they should have consulted with Qatar first and built an ultra sturdy, vagina-like stadium. A vagina stadium would never kill anyone – minus all those migrant workers who died building it. Globe and Mail

NorveloAmerican women need to start working on a Plan C, because apparently Plan B is ineffective for women over 176 lbs. A European version of the “morning-after pill” called Norvelo (identical to Plan B) has planned to introduce a new warning label, warning consumers that the emergency contraceptive starts to lose potency in women who weigh more than 165 pounds. And after 176 lbs, the pill becomes completely ineffective.  The average American woman weighs 165 pounds, so many of Norvelo’s current users may want to switch to a new type of morning after pill – unless they want to pay a visit to the abortion clinic– or if they live in Texas, deal with a bunch of obese ‘mistakes’ running around in nine months. CBS News

BADSANTA.jpgMerry Christmas: A 62 year-old mall Santa in Massachusetts has been charged with groping an 18-year-old elf. The Bad Santa (not to be confused with Billy Bob Thornton) has been released on $1,000 bail after pleading not guilty to indecent assault and battery for allegedly groping his 18-year-old assistant/elf. Herbert Jones denied pinching the elf’s butt and making suggestive comments but until the case is resolved Hones must stay away from the mall and refrain from putting on his big red Santa suit. TIME

Aids in GreeceGood news: People are not giving themselves HIV in Greece to get benefits. The World Health Organization retracted their claim that half of new HIV cases in Greece were self-inflicted so that the individuals could get benefits of $1,000 a month. WHO blames a “gross editing error” for the HIV statistic that was published in a report last month. The bad news: there are still some people intentionally injecting themselves with the HIV virus to collect state benefits – but not nearly as many as the WHO first claimed. The new statement reads: “Half of the new HIV cases are self-injecting and out of them few are deliberately inflicting the virus.” Few is better than half! The Guardian

Rouhani Music VideoHassan Rouhani: Iranian President…. and pop star? Iran’s President Hassan Rouhani has been featured in an online music video, entitled Nowsafar (New Journey). To celebrate his 100 days in office and presumable to pay tribute to Barack Obama’s 2008 Yes We Can video, Rouhani’s music video shows him delivering a speech at his endorsement ceremony with Iranians singing/speaking his words.  Now that I think of it, the black and white clip is a total rip off of Obama’s music video! The video opens with Rouhani’s speech: “In the presence of the holy Koran and before the nation, I swear to the omnipotent God to safeguard the official religion of the country and the Islamic Republic as well as the country’s constitution.” Ok, it’s a little different from Obama’s… The Atlantic

Hot SauceTime to stock up on Sriracha hot sauce! After a month long battle between Huy Fong Foods and neighbouring residents over the strong smell of the hot sauce, a California judge has ordered that the plant must stop any operations that cause the strong odours and quickly make the changes necessary to limit future smells. Although the judge stopped short of shutting down the factory entirely, it’s a victory for residents of the Los Angeles suburb who complained that the hot sauce fumes were “extremely annoying, irritating and offensive to the senses.” Huy Fong Foods founder David Tran has previously said that he will not change the type of chilli pepper used because it makes for a better hot sauce. Tran’s slogan throughout the controversy, “If it doesn’t smell, we can’t sell!”, has now become “ If it smells, I’m going to jail.” Catchy. USA Today

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