Tag Archives: Mitch McConnell

A Disastrous Night for Democrats, But A Successful Night for Stoners

Mitch McConnell Disastrous NIght for Democrats

After a disastrous night for Democrats, the Republican Party has won control of the Senate and increased their grip on the House of Representatives.

Now controlling both chambers of Congress for the first time since 2006, the Republicans saw Senate victories in Arkansas, Montana, South Dakota, pulled off an upset in North Carolina, came from behind in Colorado and Iowa, and won for the first time in West Virginia since 1956. The party now controls 52 seats, and is tipped to win at least one more as votes are counted in other states.

To sum up, America will be seeing a lot more of Mitch McConnell, the former Republican Senate minority leader who will now become the Senate majority leader, giving him control over the chamber’s legislative agenda and floor proceedings. But on the plus side, at least we won’t be bombarded with his creepy political ads… until 2016.

As for the gubernatorial races, the Republican Party managed to hold on to the governor’s mansions in Texas, Florida, and Wisconsin, states where the Democrats had hoped to make some inroads. The race in the Sunshine State was especially close, but incumbent Rick Scott, a Republican who initially refused to set foot on the stage for a statewide, televised debate because his opponent wanted a fan to cool his balls, managed (barely) to beat challenger and former governor Charlie Crist, a former Republican running as a Democrat – with presumably sweaty balls. Despite his alarmingly low favorability ratings among Floridians, Scott was declared the winner Tuesday night with nearly all votes counted. He held nearly 49 percent of the vote to Crist’s 47 percent.

But while the Democrats crashed and burned, stoners in Oregon, Alaska, and Washington, D.C. celebrated by burning then crashing after voters approved ballot measures legalizing cannabis. Oregon and Alaska will now join fellow stoner states Colorado and Washington, where voters approved recreational use of pot for adults two years ago.

Meanwhile, Florida rejected a ballot measure that would have permitted the use of medical marijuana. No medical marijuana? How are Floridians supposed to cope with four more years of Rick Scott?!

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Current Event Cat of the Day: Debt Ceiling Deadline

Current EVent Cat - Debt Deadline

It’s T-12 hours until the world implodes and it’s all in the capable hands of the Senate now. Majority Leader Harry Reid and Minority Leader Mitch McConnell are “apparently” close to finalizing a deal to reopen the government and avoid debt default ahead of the midnight Thursday deadline.

The U.S. Senate leaders are “optimistic” about scrounging together a bipartisan deal after negotiations failed to produce anything concrete on Tuesday night. But today is a new day and they will reconvene at noon to try again. There’s no pressure anyways – except from the calendar deadline, financial markets and public opinion polls.

Once the Senate a deal in place, the House will still need to vote on it and send it off for Obamapproval. While it’s not 100% finalized yet, their plan reportedly would extend the federal borrowing limit until February 7 and fund the government to mid-January, and would include relatively minor changes to Obama’s signature healthcare law, affectionately/angrily known as Obamacare.

The House itself, led by Speaker John Boehner, was unable to produce a bill of its own that would pass. But John Boehner still has one important task: he must muster up enough votes in the Republican-led House to pass the Senate bill before he midnight deadline. A daunting task given recent Tea Party antics…

Meanwhile, the Fitch credit rating agency is just itching to push the downgrade button on the U.S.’s AAA rating. And once that happens, the U.S government will… sue them for fraud? Implode? Cause the markets to crash? All three?

Via: CNN

Update: The Senate has reached a cross-party deal! Next stop: the House. Last Stop: Obama’s desk.

Mitch McConnell Staff Go After Ashley Judd… And Other News

Ashley Judd and McConnell

Busted! A secret tape recorded during a Mitch McConnell strategy meeting revealed the Senator and his aides mocking Ashley Judd and her multiple mental disorders.

The staffers are overheard discussing opposition research they could use against the actress. Aside from the obvious Obama-loving, gay marriage supporting, environmentalist crap, staffers wanted to go after her troubles with suicide and depression. Someone on the tape is heard saying:

“She’s clearly, this sounds extreme, but she is emotionally unbalanced. I mean it’s been documented. Jesse can go in chapter and verse from her autobiography about, you know, she’s suffered some suicidal tendencies. She was hospitalized for 42 days when she had a mental breakdown in the ’90s.”

Although Ashley Judd has since decided not to run for McConnell’s senate seat, his campaign staff are furious about the leaked tape and have asked the FBI to investigate how Mother Jones obtained the recording. Sounds like someone on his staff is a secret Double Jeopardy fan. Politico

Texas ShootingMass stabbing at a Texas College. Well, at least it wasn’t aother shooting rampage… 14 people were injured, including 2 who are in critical condition, after a 21-year-old student went on a stabbing rampage on the Lone Star College campus. The attacker went from building to building stabbing people at random. Most of the victims had lacerations in their head and neck areas. The incident comes just two months after a shooting at a different Lone Star campus in Houston. Note to self: do not enroll at Lone Star College. CNN

Iran EarthquakeWho needs a nuclear war when you can have an earthquake near a nuclear plant? At least 37 people are killed and 850 injured after a 6.3 magnitide earthquake hit in southwest Iran, near the country’s only nuclear plant. Luckiy, the state media says the plant was not damaged. Unluckily, an estimated 10,000 people live in the 50 villages the earthquake affected. And even more unluckily, two of those villages were completely destroyed. BBC News

PenisDriving and masturbating don’t mix. Three women testified last week in the trial of former Mount Carmel, Tennessee Vice-Mayor William Blakely, who is charged with exposing himself to multiple women while driving at over 90 miles an hour. Blakely would honk or wave at women to get their attention then proceed to masturbate while behind the wheel. Says one witness: “He was taking his hand, wetting his mouth, and masturbating”. In some instances he would even go so far as to hang his genitals out of the car window.  Blakely has been charged with indecent exposure, reckless endangerment, and criminal attempt to commit aggravated assault. Raw Story

Pablo NerudaPoet Pablo Neruda is spinning in his grave. Well, no, actually his remains are lying on a table in Chile’s Legal Medical Services headquarters in Santiago, waiting to be examined. 40 years after his death, Neruda’s body was dug up to check claims by a former chauffeur that the Nobel Prize-winning poet didn’t die of prostate cancer but was instead killed by government agents shortly after the 1973 overthrow of his friend, President Salvador Allende. Tests are being carried out to detect toxic substances but the forensic team won’t announce their findings until next week. Los Angeles Times

KenyattaUhuru Kenyatta, who is currently charged with crimes against humanity, was sworn in as President of Kenya today. His best qualification? Having ‘Kenya’ in his name. Kenyatta’s running mate, William Ruto was also sworn in and coincidently has also been charged by the international court with crimes against humanity. They make a great team! The swearing in consisted of a full day of pageantry “with the who’s who of Africa in attendance.” Wait, who’s the who’s who of Africa? New York Times

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