After eighteen days of exhilarating athletics, varying Putin facial expressions, and numerous #SochiProblems, the 2014 Winter Olympics have finally come to an end.
And the winner is…. Russia? The host country won a total 33 medals – including 13 gold. Was it worth $51 billion? For Putin, probably.
Now we could go over the impressive athletic achievements of the past weeks, but I’ve never been one for actual sports… so here’s a list of some memorable Olympic moments that have nothing to do with athletics:
13. The Olympics get off to a glitchy start at the Opening Ceremonies…
At the start of the Olympic opening ceremonies, five large snowflakes were supposed to transform into the five Olympic rings but one was left in the dark – right before President Putin took the stage.
Luckily there was a giant pantless bear and his two buddies to get the sort of gay festivities rolling again.
12. Russian Olympic officials make sure Sochi is stray dog and gay free.
Despite Putin’s half-assed efforts to reassure gay athletes and fans that they will not be discriminated against, the ban on “gay propaganda” was in full effect. But flamboyant homosexuals weren’t the only unwanted visitors. Olympic organizers hired a pest control company “catch and dispose” of stray dogs before and during the Olympics Games.
11. The Jamaican Bobsled Team makes it to Sochi… but loses their luggage along the way.
Feel da riddum! Feel da rhyme! Get on up it’s bobsledding time! After sorting out a few funding issues, the two-man Jamaican bobsled team arrived in Sochi ready to make John Candy proud. Unfortunately, they flew Delta Airlines and lost some of their gear en-route to Russia, forcing them to miss their first training session.
10. Two of the Dufour-Lapointe sisters win medals… the other one, not so much.
Two Canadian sisters, Justine and Chloe Dufour-Lapointe, took the gold and silver in the skiing moguls and stepped up to the podium together. Their oldest sister, Maxime sat on the sidelines after placing 12th on the eve of the her 25th birthday – she’s clearly past her prime. The three sisters did a series of interviews following the double victory, leaving Maxime to smile awkwardy as she patiently listened to everyone gush over her younger siblings.
9. Bob Costa’s crusty eye infection ruins his Olympic anchor streak.
The veteran NBC sports reporter was forced to pull himself out of the anchor seat and into the optometrist’s chair after contracting pink eye in both eyes, leaving viewers stuck with Matt Lauer and ruining his streak of hosting 157 consecutive prime-time Olympics broadcasts.
8. Sochi’s tap water raises some suspicions…
A Chicago Tribune reporter tweeted this picture after the staff at her Sochi hotel warned her not to use the tap water on her face because it contains “something very dangerous”. “On the bright side, I now know what very dangerous face water looks like,” the reporter tweeted.
7. Johnny Weir goes full-on flamboyant fashionista.
While commentating on the Olympic ice-capades for NBC, the former figurer skater, who looks like a strange combination of Pee Wee Herman and Rob Schneider, decided to go full-on flamboyant with his fashionable get-ups.
6. American Bobsledder Johnny Quinn breaks down barriers.
Johnny Quinn learned the hard way that in Soviet Russia, bathroom stalls you. The Olympian found himself locked inside a bathroom in Russia’s Olympic Village in Sochi after taking a shower. Luckily, Quinn had two things on his side: the poor quality of Russian construction and his bobsledding skills. So the 6-foot, 220-pound former football player pulled a Kool-Aid man and smashed through the door.
5. Canada takes its notorious politeness to a new level.
Showing the true meaning of sportsmanship, Canadian cross-country ski coach Justin Wadsworth came to the aid of a Russian skier who had damaged his skis in a crash.
4. Putin cuddles with gay athletes.
After winning gold at the Sochi Olympics, Dutch speedskater Ireen Wüst went to celebrate at a party held in her honor. On the guest list? One Vladimir Putin. The openly gay speedskater told Dutch broadcast NOS that while there she “got a cuddle” from Putin, sparking outrage among some LGBT organizations.
3. NBC reduces skier Bode Miller to tears.
NBC (along with every reality TV show producer) knows that Americans love a good sob story and networks executives love a cheap ploy for ratings. But when NBC’s Christin Cooper interviewed Olympian skier Bode Miller, she may have gone too far with the whole gut-wrenching Olympian backstory narrative, repeatedly asking the athlete about the death of his brother.
2. The Olympic athletes run into some awkward bathroom situations.
Cost cutting fail or Russia’s answer to accommodating gay athletes? BBC journalist Steve Rosenberg tweeted a picture from the men’s bathroom at the Olympic Biathlon Centre showing two toilets side by side in the same stall. Apparently the Russians were too busy beefing up their security and defending themselves against accusations of homophobia that they forgot how to properly construct a bathroom.
1. Canada comes out on top.
Not only did Canada win 25 medals and dominate in hockey, the northern nation scored two cases of beer from Barack Obama and a guarantee that the US will keep Justin Bieber. Double win!
Now Canada will have extra beer bottles to stock its beer fridge in the Sochi Olympic Village.
Sorry Bieber – Canadians only.