Ukrainian Government Sends Sinister Text Messages to Protesters… And Other News

Ukraine Text

According to Russia’s Foreign Minister, the protests in Ukraine are “getting out of control” after the second consecutive night of clashes ended with firecrackers and petrol bombs flying through the air. But luckily the Ukrainian government has a foolproof plan to stop the violent clashes between anti-government protesters and police: annoying text messages.

The government is using cellphone data to track down protesters NSA style. If someone gets too close to the riots they will receive a text saying “Dear subscriber, you are registered as a participant in a mass disturbance.” Now a text message may not seem like a major deterrent – a little annoying, yes, but hardly enough to stop a hardcore pro-Eu anti-Russian protester – BUT there’s more. The Ukrainian government has passed a series of new anti-protest laws in the past week, one of which calls for jail sentences of up to 15 years for participating in mass riots. So basically the text message should read” “Go directly to jail, do not pass go, do NOT collect $200. The Guardian

Ban Ki PsychYou’re invited – psych! Under pressure from the United States, Saudi Arabia, and everybody else who hates Iran, UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon withdrew his last minute invitation for Iran to participate in the Syria peace conference. The surprise invite threw the long-awaited Geneva conference into disarray; the US started a tantrum because Iran didn’t agree to the conditions for the talks and therefore must be excluded and the Syrian opposition refused to take part if Iran was going to be there. But everything is OK now because Ban realized his international faux-pas and retracted the invite. The US and Saudi Arabia are very pleased and the main Western-backed Syrian opposition group agreed to show up. Now if they could only sort out the whole civil war thing. CBC News

Rob Ford Drunk and JamaicanSo much for Rob Ford’s New Mayor’s resolution… A new video shows Toronto Mayor Rob Ford slurring his words and rambling in what appears to be a Jamaican accent at a Rexdale fast-food restaurant on a MONDAY night. Despite telling reporters just last week that he no longer drank, Ford admitted to drinking on Monday night but insisted it was fine because he wasn’t at work. “I was with some friends and what I do in my personal life and (with) my personal friends, that’s up to me. This really has nothing to do with, has nothing to do with you guys,” he said. “It’s my own time. It’s my own time.” As for the strange Jamaican accent, Ford says “that’s how I speak with some of my friends.” By friends do you mean fellow crackheads? The Toronto Star

Gaga ChinaChina is slowly getting more progressive, one Lady Gaga album at a time. Lady Gaga went from blacklist to playlist after China lifted its ban on the singer. In 2011 the Culture Ministry declared her work (along with Katy Perry’s “Last Friday Night” and the Backstreet Boys’ “I Want It That Way” ) to be “creating confusion in the order of the online music market, and damaging the nation’s cultural security” – whatever that means. But for some reason (they finally realized the Chinese just knock-off everything anyways?) Beijing is allowing Lady Gaga’s latest chart-topping album, ARTPOP, to go on sale legally in China – with a few small changes of course. Chinese officials changed one song title, transforming “Sexxx Dreams” to “X Dreams” and a large ball and a pair of tights have been imposed on the album’s cover to hide Lady Gaga’s naked body. CNN

Samba PanzaSomeone’s being setup for failure… Catherine Samba-Panza, 58, has been chosen by the National Assembly to be the interim president of the Central African Republic – the first woman to ever lead the country. Samba-Panza, who beat out seven other candidates, including the sons of two former presidents, succeeds Michel Djotodia, the recently resigned leader of the Seleka rebels who seized power in March. And what kind of country is she inheriting? Well, there’s been months of sectarian violence, dead corpses dragged through the street and at least one case of cannibalism. Have fun! Huffington Post

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